Inspiration.

"If I quit now, I will soon be back to where I started.  And when I started, I was desperately wishing to be where I am now."  

So, it has been just over three weeks since I started this change in my lifestyle.  We can call it a diet, but it is so much more than that to me.  I have been struggling my whole life with my weight.  From growing up bigger than most kids and having self-esteem issues in high school.  To losing 80 pounds when I went to college but still seeing myself and treating myself as “the fat girl”.  To over the last 10 years slowly gaining all the weight and then some back.  To now having a three year old and trying to find a balance between him, work, family, and home.....never putting myself first.

I have tried my fair share of fad diets and they never work for me.  Some I can’t stay on for more than a few weeks because so much of your food is restricted.  Others I lose weight, but then when I start incorporating the foods I once loved I fall back into my old habits and the weight comes back.  And with each fad diet failure comes more frustration and disappointment before slipping back into my old habits to cope. 

The last few years have been a blessing but also extremely rough.   The stress has worn on me and been nothing but one excuse after another why I am not losing weight and putting myself as a priority.

But when I thought back on 2014 as the year drew to a close, I thought about how many missed opportunities to be in a picture or do something fun I had lost out on because of my self-esteem and weight.  I thought of one time when my husband said “Hey, lets just go to the lake for the day to let Henry play on the beach for the first time” and I refused to go and Henry was so sad.   Why did I say NO…because like hell I wanted to be seen in a swimsuit and people would see my body!!  

And this isn’t the first time I haven’t done stuff because I am too self-conscious about the way I look to go.  I won't take Henry swimming, or when we go to the park it is not when it is hot because I wear jeans and cover up instead of shorts and a tank.  I pretty much hate going anywhere public, though I do move past that at times for Henry.  But I avoid pictures from the waist down as much as possible.  I hate sitting in chairs in public because they are uncomfortable.  I am just always thinking about the way I look instead of enjoying the moment.  And perhaps some may think "you are just vain" but, when you are very overweight and go to the grocery store and hear a comment about your butt, you start to think everyone is thinking the same thing.

But Henry is older now.  He is going to want to do more things.  I am going to want to take him to do more things.  Like go to the beach.  Take him to swim class.  Go on bike rides.  Run outside.  Go to amusement parks.

And it isn’t just because of him, it is because of me.  I want to do all those things for ME.  I want to look in the mirror and not focus on everything I think I need to cover up but look in the mirror and be happy in my own skin.  I want to wear skinny jeans and boots.  I want to up and spend the day at the lake or amusement park and not think twice about it or worry I won't fit in a ride.  I don’t want to cry over and over because of the way I look or feel.  I don't want to think everyone is saying I am fat or laughing behind my back.   I don't want to feel aches and pains at the age of 35.  I don't want to spend twice as much on plus sized clothes (seriously, annoying).   

I want to be healthy.  I want to change.  I want to be ME.  And I don’t want to keep saying this over and over again.  I want this part of my life to be over and start a new, healthier chapter.

I have had an unhealthy relationship with food for a long time.  I have always "sneak eaten" and "binged eaten".  I am an emotional binge eater.  I get bored or stressed and I turn to food. Even when I am happy I turn to food.  I enjoy it.  I love cooking it.  And I love eating it.  I love eating too much.  I sometimes just eat, a plate full of food because I feel I have to eat it.  I eat past the point of comfort until it is almost painful.   This is a whole other topic for another post, but I do use it as a crutch.  Coping mechanism.  Something to make me happy briefly.  Always have.  I need to stop now.

I actually refused to write this post when I first started a few weeks ago.  Mainly because, I feel I have written it before and failed. Many times over.   But something is different this time.  I am not sure what it is, but I am ready.  Maybe it is Henry.  Maybe it is the boot trend…seriously, I love boots.  Maybe it is that my body doesn’t feel like I imagine the body of a near 35 year old should look or feel….I feel far older.  Maybe after the last few years I have realized that I AM strong enough.  That life is way too short and that time is not slowing down for any of us.  And that if I want to make a difference in my life I need to do it now because the world is not stopping for me to help me or do it for me.  And every day I choose to live my life the same way I have been living with no change, is another missed day of doing something good for myself and actually making a change.  (my wise sister helped me to see this)  I need to take charge of my life before it gets to the point I no longer can. I need to make myself a priority.

This time I am not looking for a quick fix.  No fad diet, gluten free, carb free, meat free, only nut diets that are out there at the moment.  Nor am I denying myself of all the things I love.  It is a lifestyle change.  

Moderation.  Balance.  Alternatives.  

Clean eating and whole foods.

I know this is going to take a long time, perhaps a year or more.  I am setting a lot of little goals to meet along the way, along with the end result to just be comfortable with my body.  Accepting of my body.  To look at food in a healthy way that is not only enjoyable but a fuel for my body.

I am not there yet, but I am well on my way.

How do I know I am on my way?

Because of this...

"If I quit now, I will soon be back to where I started.  And when I started, I was desperately wishing to be where I am now."  

(Again, from my smart sister)

That is how I know I am truly ready to change.  I am 9lbs lighter than I was January 1st.  9lbs may be a small chunk of my chunk I want to lose, but it is a start and I have desperately wanted to be where I am now.  And I hope that in a month I will be another 9lbs lighter and maybe another after that.  Again, time is not stopping, each day will pass and with each passing day I am that much closer.  Stopping doesn't fix anything.

So perhaps by my birthday in April I could be 25lbs lighter (my goal) and buy myself some new jeans for my birthday.  In the scheme of things, that is not that far away.  I am actually surprised I have been doing this for three weeks already!  Again, I am focusing on perspective, slow and steady instead of an instant fix. 

I am still keeping my enjoyment of cooking a food a part of my life, but if you have read some of my previous posts, I am looking for alternatives to some of my favorite foods like Chinese (HERE) and I am testing out cauliflower crust pizza this past weekend and will post results soon!  

I am finding ways to have the foods I love without the extra calories.

I am finding balance between the things I like and weeding out the things I no longer need to put in my body.  And I am enjoying trying new foods and finding a new way of life that works for me and my life style.

So bare with me.  I am sure I am going to have rough days.  Days I do not stick with it.  Days I feel like I can't do it anymore.  Days I am discourages.  But I am also around so many supportive people, and an amazing and energetic son, that I feel inspired every day to do the best I can and keep going day by day.

So tell me....what is your story.

2015 - The Year of Focus

So, 2014 has come and gone.  With that comes a lot of reflection on the year that has passed.  I think about the way overdue changes of Terry's job and all the pros and cons that come.  I think about the unexpected loss of a dear friend and how precious life can be.  I think that is has been one year since Henry's last seizure and have hope for the coming years.  I think about the struggles we have been dealing with and the frustrations and optimism ahead.  I think about how quickly time is going and how I need to find ways sometimes to bottle it up and slow it down (and cover the grey and remove the hairs on my face!)  I think about how much we have all changed in the last year, especially Henry, and all that this new year holds!

So with that said, 2015 is turning into the year of focus.

As I have been reflecting on the year as it came to a close and even now as I type, I realize the things I need require me to focus, or refocus my priorities.

Call them goals.  Call them resolutions.  Call them just getting older and learning that sometimes we need to stop and change the way we are doing things.

So here is my focus for 2015.

Focus on Marriage.

After we had Henry our life revolved around Henry and his needs, as expected.  Terry and I worked opposite schedules to make things work, which means we were solo parenting a lot and our focus was just on how to raise this kid and survive.  Then around 2 years old, just when we were starting to get to a normal life, the seizures and medical issues started with Henry.  Now Henry's health seems to be doing better and though Terry and my schedules don't always mesh, we both realize we need more time for US.  It is so easy to take each other and your marriage for granted.  I know I do.  We went on two dates in December, the first ones in a loooong time.  And to be honest, it had the awkwardness of first dates at times...except for the fact that we have been together for 14 years.  So we are focusing on our marriage in 2015.  Going on dates again. Listening to each other.  Being a team.  We are stronger together, for sure.  And like most things in life, even if it isn't broken (which it is not) it still needs maintenance and to be taken care of to keep things strong!

Focus on Health.

I think with all of Henry's health issues the beginning of last year, Terry and I have been putting ourselves on the back burner.  So the focus is keeping Henry healthy and hopefully continue to be seizure free.  And Terry and I need to take care of our health. (except for sickness, it has been a few years that either has been for annual visits!)  My main focus is getting myself healthy.  Going to a couple doctors appointments and losing weight.

Focus on Myself.

This overlaps health in that I need to work on ME.  Losing weight is the most important thing.  I need to like myself again.  Like the way I look and feel better about who I am.  Along with that, finding time to step away from everything and do the things I like.  The things that make me happy.  I gladly put away things I enjoyed when Henry was born, but it is time to get those things back out, even if it is just on occasion and finding a new balance.  I need to feel like ME again.


Focus on being less Focused.

Um. HUH?!  What do you mean, Jenn?!  I have a problem of focusing too much on things.  I am OCD (self-diagnosed, of course) and with that I tend to focus on things....a little too much.  My intentions usually start out good, but they do consume me at times.  A nice evening with Terry could turn into me worrying because of the fluctuating temperature in Henry's room. Or that Terry is crunching his chip too loud and I yell at him and then we just sit in silence.  Or I am convinced we are sick because I heard a cough so I take Henry's temperature 70 times.  Or just focusing on the negative instead of the positive.  So I am making a big effort to only focus on what is important (like above) and not put my effort in focusing on things that do not matter or that I can not change.

So, these are the things I want to focus on with the New Year.  And the truth is I am excited for this New Year!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

When It Just Becomes Too Much Then It Is Time To Ask For Help.

I am sharing this post because I need to be accountable for my actions and recognize that the way I act and feel not only affects me, but my family and work and others around me.  This has been going on for awhile now, but the past few months have been a constant struggle for me.  It isn't every minute of every day, no I have many happy moments....but the stress is hard for me to deal with.

It didn’t take me long into the New Year to lose the award for “Most Patient Mother of the Year”.  I mean, December 30^th AND 31^st we were in different ER’s and we rang in the New Year with not only us sick, but one extremely sick child (temps up to 104 sick).  Though June Cleaver would have taken it all in stride, this mom didn’t stand a chance to win. 

We finally started feeling better early January and then of course the end of January we ALL came down with the sickness again.  So on top of being sick 75% of the time since the end of October, there is stress as we wait for Henry’s EEG appointment, financial stress, work stress, home stress, my yearly January/February winter blues, independent toddler trying to find his way in this world stress, and everything else that just compiles until…

…BOOM…

…You scream (I mean scream) at your kid because you are trying to make the bed you just made a few hours before (because twice now he has coughed and puked on the clean sheets) and while you are trying to maneuver a crib mattress your kid starts grabbing the mattress and putting toys on the springs.  Nothing horrible, no.  But in THAT moment it was too much.  And you yell.  A real yell.  A yell that hurts your throat and actually makes you take a step back and catches you off guard because you have no idea where it came from.  A yell that after you put your kid down for a nap makes you cry with guilt and frustration.

Or perhaps it is the time you just breakdown because your child will not listen to any direction you give what-so-ever.  I mean after trying to convince your child to pick up the 50+ flashcards he threw all over the kitchen and then just left them there to go play with other toys you lose it because it is a constant battle and fight.  And after he screams and cries and hits he then pees all over the place.

That was it.  That was the thing that set me off.  After not listening, dumping juice on the floor, laying sideways in his timeout chair, me nearly burning dinner, the constant back and forth, the tears, the screaming, the hitting….I reached my limit when he stood there screaming and peeing.

But most parents would have reached their limit, that is normal...but I went further. I yelled and screamed and hit the cabinet door.  (ugh….I never want him to see me hit things, nor do I want to YELL at him)  But it happened. 

Sigh. 

Moments later terry walked in and I just lost it.  Yep, lucky man.  He didn’t even have his coat off when I started yelling and crying about what happened.  My frustrations.  The fact that I have NO IDEA how to discipline him.  The fact that the past few months I have been losing my cool and becoming SO ANGRY so easily.

I feel I yell and say “NO” more than I say “yes” and ENJOY my time with my family. It wears on you.  It has been like this for months and I am just exhausted.  I don’t want to say NO all the time.  I don’t want to always yell.  I don’t want to repeat myself 20 times trying to get a 2 year old to listen to me or pay attention.  I want to enjoy this time because I know it is short lived.  I want to make sure I mold Henry, through proper love and discipline and not the back and forth of love and screaming.  I feel I am focused on the wrong thing.  The things being done wrong instead of right.  Basically, I have turned into a real pessimist the past few months.  I am always thinking worst case scenario and constantly second guessing EVERY decision I make with him for fear it is the wrong one and because of this just get easily frustrated with not just him, but myself.  Mostly myself.  And I am becoming absolutely ridiculous with anything that involves Henry.

I mean a week ago Henry got water on his shirt right before bed after I got him all ready and I had to change him into a slightly warmer shirt to which made me mad as he already had an elevated temp to which I said: “Great, now we have to change his freakn clothes AGAIN!  And now we are putting him in a warm shirt, that other shirt was perfect.  How about we just put him in a freakn parka!!!”  Yes, I really said that.  Terry of course rolled his eyes and let me throw a tantrum like, well my two year old.  Only difference is I didn’t go all limp and throw myself to the floor….though had something else gone “wrong” I may have.  Of course, my comment made me feel like a total jackass later after I calmed down. But the point is…THAT IS ME.  That is how I am right now.  I over-react. I am ridiculous.  I have never been this bad until the last few months.

That same evening as the ridiculous parka comment, Henry must have known I was having a rough night because that night he didn't ask after his story to go to his bed.  He ALWAYS asks to go to his bed.  Instead he asked for a hug. Sigh.  I put him up on my shoulder and held him to me as close as I could and we hugged and just cuddled.  I held him SO incredibly tight and he was squeezing and hugging me and he fell asleep in my arms.  I just sat and rocked him after he fell asleep for another 15 minutes, crying and crying and soaking in that moment….not want to letting go.  Even through it all he still loves me and wants to be with me….I don’t even want to be with me because I am acting a fool.  But HE does.

I do get so frustrated with Henry, but mostly I get mad at myself because I really don’t know how to discipline him and get him to listen to me and I don't how to control my emotions in those frustrating moments.  And when I get stressed I breakdown and go from 0 to 11 in no time at all.  When I have to deal with confrontation, yes even with a two year old, I lose it.  I am not good with that stuff and my temper ALWAYS gets the best of me.  I have always been like this, but could walk away.  Take some time for myself.  Get better.  I can’t walk away now.  And I hate it.  I HATE that I get mad and lose my cool infront of Henry.  I hate that I handle some situations poorly.  I really hate that I cannot figure how to get my own son to listen to me. I HATE that I don’t feel like ME at all.  I HATE that I am so sad one minute, angry the next and happy the next.  I REALLY HATE that I get so worked up and emotional that I feel this urge to hit a wall or cabinet door….and that I have.

I am a mess.

Since having Henry there as been a lot of stress with how Terry and I had to keep a schedule and all the other stresses that come with him working part-time in the evenings. And then for the past 6 months there has been extra stress with Henry's health. It just keeps building and building.  And then the past few weeks have been extremely hard.  Some of my worst and most emotional weeks ever.   And to be honest, I don’t think I have been completely myself for some time now.  It is up and down and I have always just assumed it is part of having a kid.  But I think I am reaching a breaking point that I can no longer handle on my own.

I need to change. 

After the above and other meltdowns the past couple weeks I started thinking about things.  Two things in particular:

1.) How can I (we) communicate better with Henry so he listens and I don’t have to say NO so much?

2) What can I do to practice patience and remain calm?

I have found some things online the past couple weeks that we are trying to communicate better with Henry and I am going to continue trying for BOTH Henry and I to communicate with each other better.  I will post them and the results soon as this post has already become way too lengthy….sorry. 

But for me, I think I am at the point where I can no longer “try” to handle this on my own.  I need to talk to someone.  I don’t like the idea of talking to someone because I hate opening up to strangers about my feelings.  But if multiple people who care about you are telling you this, and have been telling you for a long time, then perhaps you need to listen if you want to change. 

I WANT to change. 

I can’t continue to be like this for Henry, Terry, My Family, work…MYSELF.

It is just a lot sometimes.  No one and I mean NO ONE can push you as much as your child.  I mean, he already knows and is continuing to learn what triggers and pushes us.  If this was anyone else, you wouldn’t get so emotional about them.  But this is your child.  Someone you love more than any words could ever express.  You love them to the deepest part of your being and so much so that it hurts.  They are a part of you and because of that I have to recognize that if I am hurting inside, then perhaps that he sees and feels that too and I need to get help.

Sigh.

……

A Post For The Times When It Is "Just Too Much".

Last night we were awoken by that cough.  Parents, you know the one I am talking about.  At first you hear it as you are balancing in between reality and dreamland and are hoping that perhaps it was a dream and maybe a good dream, like one about going to the Zoo to visit a seal!

But no.

You hear it again and quickly sit up, knowing he is awake and his tears will soon follow and so will your morning...at 1:00am.

Luckily you have been through it before so you and your partner are on auto-pilot and just do what you need to do.  There are tears (yet you remain strong) there is screaming and hitting (yet you remain calm) there is lack of sleep (yet you remain awake) and after a few hours he is back asleep and you are laying in bed and the emotions just come rushing out.

You think those words that make you feel so alone....

"It is just too much".

You are annoyed and mad and frustrated and sad and feel helpless.

Now this...on top of everything else going on and everything I have been feeling.  Now my son is sick.  Now I worry more than I normally do about him. (Which is already a lot!)

BUT...you have been trying to be better.  Be positive.  Have perspective.

So you acknowledge the fact that you remained calmed and where a good mom and your little boy is comfortably back to sleep and you shouldn't be so hard on yourself...and soon you head back to dreamland for a couple hours.

Now, there is a point....just a little longer folks.

A little while later I am sitting at lunch, surprisingly not as tired as I thought I would be on just a few hours of sleep.

I want something mindless so I go to people.com and skim past all the BS (I don't care about Miley and her costume, People.com!!!) and I see this story.  A real story.  I story worth writing and reading.  HERE.

It is about these two who were dating in college when a horrible accident happened, leaving her boyfriend with traumatic brain injury.  They had only been dating 10 months and she could have left him knowing that the dreams she had may never be met.  But she stayed. And they got married a few years later.  There is a video...it is sweet.

I normally just skim quickly though these stories, but something drew me in.  Made me read and read again.  And then I noticed she had a blog and I clicked on it.  This selfless person had my curiosity.  Something made me want to read more about her story...folks, I never read more about these stories and am always just on to the next.

But I clicked and the first thing that caught my eye wasn't the first blog post but I blog entitled "For the days That Are Too Much".  HERE.

You have my attention.

It was a short blog and I read these words and instantly my eyes teared up (part of post below):

These are the days that feel like too much, that this isn't what I asked for because stress brought from the little just reminds me of the bigger losses I have.

But then there are the sweet gifts, like the new book in the mail that will show me god. The three hours by the fire with a girlfriend and his smile when I come into the room late. 

The fire and the conversation with her and the staying up late with him is worth it. Because those are the moments where I get to live and breathe.

Those are the moments where I see God filling me up, filling my emptiness.

I NEEDED to hear this.  You have no idea how much I needed to hear this.

It is more than my child getting sick.  So much more.  Nothing horrible, we are all OK and in good health.  Infact, this post isn't intended to say "i am sorry Jenn I hope you feel better", it is sort of the opposite as it is encouraging me to stay strong.

But I think we can all agree we go through ups and downs.  Life gets tough.  There are stresses.  There are things we could never in a million years plan for (good and bad).  Feelings we hate feeling.  Days we are not at our best.  Moments we question our self.  Times we just want to curl up in a ball and fade away into a different place in our mind...even just for a moment.   Days where it just feels too much.

And what do we do during these times?  We focus on all that is going wrong.  All the bad we feel.  All that we cannot change but want to.  All that makes us feel even more alone and like we are not good enough.  All that makes us want to yell and scream and cry.  (Which those are our feelings and it it OK until it is not OK.)  And soon we find we are lost and trying to figure out how to get back.  How to gain perspective.  How to be ME again.

What I am realizing, though, is just when you feel alone and you don't know how you are ever going to get better and find yourself......you find it.

Perspective.

Hope.

Reassurance that you are not alone.

Something truly inspiring.  Something that makes you feel better.  Something that gives you hope and confidence.  Someone who makes you open up and talk about what is wrong so that you can BE better.

As many times as I may question it, sometimes I think the universe really does have your back.  Sending you a friend at just the right moment to talk to or making you click a link you would normally just overlook or giving you a confidant you can share anything with without feeling judged or wrong in your feelings.  

Reminding you that you are NOT alone.  That others struggle and overcome and you can too.  That even though we all feel down sometimes, there is SO much to live for and be happy about.

It gave me perspective.

And while I know I have more to figure out and further to go with feeling better; admitting, opening up and remaining positive are key.  Just taking it one day at a time and just TRYING each day to be better and knowing it is OK to have bad days as long as there are also plenty of good ones.

Yeah, i got ALL that from the post.  You may not, but I did.  It may not make sense to you, but it does to me.  And I need to remember that I did gain some perspective from this post.  You know, for that time in the future (and there will be a time) where I need to be reminded of this again.

I needed to hear this today and I KNOW there are others who may possibly need to hear this too.  So I am sending this back into the universe in hopes it finds those who are also having a rough day, week, month, year or just feeling lost and need a little perspective or just want to read a good love story to put a smile on their face!

A simple and inspiring story about love and hardship and dedication and persevering through those struggles.  A reminder that no matter how tough it may seem and when you just feel it is too much that sometimes right around the corner there are those moments that give us hope, make us feel loved, and remind us we are not alone....no matter what we are going through.

NEEDED.

So last Thursday I took the day off.  I didn’t have anything special planned.  No, actually I took the day off because Henry was in school and Terry was working and I wanted to clean….you know since cleaning has been lacking the past few months.

It is probably a tad weird to WANT to take a day off just to clean.  I mean, really, how lame is that?!

But folks it was NEEDED.

And I don’t just mean for the house (though it was really really needed for the house) but I also mean for ME.

Explain, you ask?!

Well it is a good thing I have this blog….so let me ‘splain.

The thing is, I don’t think since Henry was born I have had an entire day ALONE.

Nope. 

And it is not just meaning away from Henry, but anyone really.  YES, it is true.  I need time away from my husband and child and friends.

I needed time to myself. 

So you know what, I took time for ME. 

But as I sit around the house most evenings, I didn’t want to take a day off to just sit around.  I wanted to DO stuff.  Feel accomplished.  Do the things that I am always complaining that I don’t have time to do.

So it started like a normal Thursday and I got up at 6am to get Henry ready and off to school.  I am learning that if I don’t want him to cry I have to drop him off after 7:30am because the kids are in the gym or outside playing and after some squeeze hugs he is ready to go play.  If it is before 7:30, then bring on the extreme tears from henry and extreme guilt for mom!  No fun for anyone.

So hoping I could prevent a breakdown and mom guilt on my day off I dropped him off at 7:35 and he went right outside, waving at me as I left.  PERFECT.  I then headed to Starbucks to get a venti-iced non-fat vanilla latte (yum) and tim hortons to get a breakfast bagel sandwich. 

I came home and sat down at the table and checked my email and had breakfast.  Funny thing was at first I was rushing to eat.  Do any of you parents do that?!  I have a post on that coming….eating once you have a kid.  Annoying.  So I slowed myself down and ENJOYED my breakfast and the quiet.

I then turned on my music really loud, got into my cleaning clothes, opened EVERY window in the house because it was a perfect day and not too hot (seriously, how awesome has this summer been!!!) and proceeded to clean the house.

I  took before pictures of the house on our real camera and as I probably wont get around to putting those on my computer for 7 months, I am using this photo I posted a couple months ago because this is pretty much our house 90% of the time. Sigh.

 This is my truth....our house is a constant mess.  

I think that is what people are saying these days :-)

So I picked things up and got down to business.

We had an old vacuum that I think did nothing more than push the dirt around as it pretended to clean.  Heaven forbid there was a cheerio or something on the carpet (which there always is) because the vacuum would refuse to suck it up.  We probably needed a new vacuum 3 years ago.  We finally got a new, reasonably priced one last week.  With the very first sweep I was in love!!

I could actually SEE it pick up the cat hair, dust and dirt.  I could see our beige/brown circa 1982 carpet!  AMAZING.

I swept the entire house and then it was time for the big guns.  The carpet cleaner.

 Hello lovelies! 

We own one, but only have used it when we bought the house (nearly 7 years ago) and the summer before Henry was born.  It was needed.

Folks….the result was gross.  Absolutely disgusting.  This was in our house.

 Ew.

You just don’t realize how much dirt and dust gets stuck in your carpet….especially with a vacuum that doesn’t vacuum!!

3 ½ hours later the entire house was vacuumed and the downstairs carpets cleaned and I was sore but feeling accomplished!!

 Me carpet cleaning from the rocker...not a bad way to clean :-)

I then took a break and enjoyed lunch where I could sit down and eat at my own pace and without dirty little fingers trying to steal my food.  And I watched the very first episode of the Real Housewives of OC and didn’t have to worry about having to explain why to my husband or getting judgmental looks from him or have to worry about content for Henry.

I then straightened up toys, clothes and cleaned the shower and then was the FIRST to take a nice long, uninterrupted shower in a clean shower. Lovely.

I then headed to Hobby Lobby and Walmart to get pictures printed and frames and before I knew it, it was 4:30 and time to go get Henry.

And I have to admit, when I drove over to get Henry I was excited to see him!

I wasn’t drained from annoying things at work.  I wasn’t tired from sitting all day.  I wasn’t worn-out at yelling at a kid who wouldn’t listen.  I wasn’t exhausted from just the mental stress of a normal day.

Nope.  I was none of those things.

Yes, I was tired from a busy day but I felt accomplished and refreshed and ready to see my family.  And really, what is better than after a day to yourself and seeing this face?!  The answer…nothing.

I know I will take off days to spend with my family or go to doctors appointments or take care of a sick kid or just random errands that have to be done during working hours.  But to take some time for ME is rare.  But I think I need to start doing this more.  I need to remember ME.  I need to remember that if I don’t take care of myself, mentally and physically, it just won’t be good for anyone.

So do you take time for yourself?  ALONE.  What do you do during your ME time?

Weight Loss Challenge, Reactivated in 3…2….1….

Do you remember that one time I started a weight loss blog and I was attempting to lose weight?  Yeah, it was awhile ago so I am sure you have long forgotten.  But to recap, back in August of 2009 I started losing weight after seeing pictures of myself that made me cry.  I had lost some weight and in January 2010 I felt encouraged to keep going and wanted a place to track my weight loss and find support, as well as give support to others who were in a similar position.  During the short length of my blog (August 2009 – October 2010) I lost 50 pounds. 

The blog is called Weighty Issues. HERE.

The title reflects the fact that I have had many issues with my weight my entire life.  Not only have I been extremely heavy I have also been thin.  However in both cases, the perception of myself was always off.  Meaning; even when I was thin I didn’t see myself that way.  Infact I had more issues with my appearance when I was thin compared to when I was bigger.   I have battled with mild eating disorders, self esteem, and major perception issues.  It has been a constant struggle most of my life.

But, like in 2009, I see picture of myself today and cry.  I actually avoid taking full picture with my son or husband because I don’t want to see or remember myself that way.  The problem.  I don’t want to look back at a bunch of pictures of just my son without me in them.  Heaven forbid something ever happens to me….I want him to remember me.  I want him to see me happy.  And even if nothing happens to me, I still want him to see me happy and not as someone who gets angry because of the way I look.  I never want Henry to see me act that way or have my issues with my body be imposed on him. 

Now that he is older I want to run with him, I want to take him to a water park and not sit on the side because I am embarrassed to be seen, I want to climb on the jungle gym with him without worrying if I am too big, I just want to be happy with the way I look and not even THINK about my weight.

*sigh*

SO, here we go again.  I have moved to a better place mentally the last few months and my motivation couldn't be any clearer.  

I am ready to do this.  I NEED to do this.  And I am hoping the accountability of using this forum as a place to track my progress with be the kick in the ass that I need.

If you have time, please visit my blog here.  I have posted my first, new post.

If you are also trying to get healthier; whether it is losing weight, exercising more or just eating better….please feel free to share your journey in the comments section of my posts.  Perhaps we can all motivate each other!

I hope to share my progress for the week ever Sunday night or Monday morning!

A New Year = Fresh Start & Admitting You Are Not Always OK.

So 2012 has finally come to a close and I have to admit, I was ready and I am excited for 2013. 

Don’t get me wrong, 2012 had many wonderful things…the biggest being Henry turned one!  And in the three months since Henry turned one I think he also turned 2 as well :) 

But 2012 hasn’t been all great, unfortunately.

Terry is working part-time and going to school which is stressful not only financially but just mentally and physically.  Because he watches Henry during the day, he works every weekend and most evenings.  A few days during the week I see Terry for 15 minutes within a 24 hour period and it is after I get home from work and before he leaves.  We say our quick hello’s while Terry is in the shower and Henry is running around.  This routine has been going on since Henry was 7 weeks old, but school on top of that was a new addition last August and will continue through summer.  Most times we are solo parenting far more than we are together.  It can be hard and exhausting and sometimes you feel like you never have one minute of relief.

Here is the thing.  I wasn’t myself much of 2012.  I was and still am at times, just OFF.

I don’t know exactly what it is or how to explain it, but I know I haven’t been myself for about a year.  Was/is it post partum depression…not sure, but right now I am just focusing on MYSELF and what I need to be ME.  To continue to get better.

It isn’t that I feel like this every day, I have great days…even weeks.  But there are far too many bad days, bad moments….and the moments, well they can get ugly.  There is this anger that is hard to control, I want to hit things (not people, unless they are people at the store... just things), I curse and say mean things and I then get extremely sad.

It is not that I am unhappy either.  I know it may not sound like it, but I am happy most of the time.  The issue is, when something does set me off I go to this extreme place and I go from being perfectly fine and happy to yelling, cursing and being flat out mean.  Most of the time it is over something stupid…. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DIDN’T F&$KING PUT THAT IN THE DISHWASHER!!” “DON’T TOUCH THAT!” “WHY DIDN’T YOU ANSWER MY TEXT?!!”  “WHY IS THIS MOTHER F&^K’N CHAIR SQUEEKING EVERY TIME I ROCK IN IT?!?!” Things that should not require me to be filled with SO much anger.

If you know me, you know I am pretty relaxed.  OK, yes, a little high strung at times and I do have a temper on occasion….but snapping to this extreme, so often and for no good reason is not normal for me.  And the fact that it has been going on for a year and has gotten worse over the year is definitely not normal or healthy.

At first I thought it was the stress of having a new child and I was actually not bad the first few months.  Probably totally normal for any new parent.  But it (me) started getting worse but I then attributed it to breastfeeding. (oh how I loathed pumping and Henry never took to the breast. Many many many sessions were spent crying while pumping. I HATED everything to do with pumping, but felt I needed to do it.) I also thought, coupled with pumping that it was the lack of sleep I was getting.  Again, I blew it off and figured when I was done pumping I would get better.  I finally finished pumping around 8 months and things were OK for little awhile.  But shortly after that, Terry started school again and the stress just amplified.  Now, even when Terry was home he was studying and though Henry was getting easier and more independent I just couldn’t get myself out of this funk that I was quickly falling deeper in. 

I then thought, “when he turns a year it will be all good, just hang in there”.  Henry’s birthday came and went and I tried to de-stress, but then Henry started with the attitude.  Now for most his attitude may not be that bad as he is a great child and it is normal behavior, but as I am sure all of you parents know and can relate too; when you are already stressed and off that the constant battle to change a diaper or the crying EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I wash his face off after eating or just even whining because he can’t communicate that well can just push you too much and you snap at little things and more quickly.  It shouldn’t happen, but it does.

And then enter the guilt. 

The guilt of feeling so emotional, at getting angry at the people you love the most, the guilt of feeling like there is something wrong with you, the guilt of feeling like as hard as you try you just can’t be your best self, the guilt that you are letting your husband and even your son down as a wife and mother….it can just really drain you and pull you down even more making it harder for you to feel better. 

I try to keep a happy face for everyone, but it becomes too much and when I get home from work that I become reclusive, I don’t take care of myself physically (which then my weight and lack of exercise affects my mood and attitude even more - circle), I put blame on myself for everything, and I shut down.  Then because I keep everything inside, am stressed, frustrated, exhausted I become angry or emotional so very easily.

When I do yell and become crazy Jenn, it always feels like an out of body experience.  Like I am looking at myself saying “you are crazy, why are you acting a fool?!  You are ridiculous Jenn, calm down!”  But I can’t stop.  I just become so filled with rage and anxiety that it makes things worse. 

A few months ago I said something not nice to Terry.  Yelled at him and used a few not nice words.  He waited a moment and calmly asked if I still wanted to be with him and if I still loved him and if he was the problem.

I felt like I had just been slapped in the face, and I probably should have been.

Tears, instantly.

YES.  Yes I wanted to be with him!!!  Why would he say that?!?!  But I could see how, because he was the main person that I lashed out on and who took a brunt of my anger and though it wasn’t because of him, it was directed towards him…..and in reality it wasn’t because of him at all, it was me.

The reality hit…..Jenn, you need stop and refocus.  You are not yourself and cannot continue like this and ignore this and keep putting it off.  It is not healthy for you, your marriage and definitely not for your son. 

REALITY CHECK COMPLETE.

After a long talk and the suggestion of talking to someone, Terry told me that whenever I start getting angry and going to that place that I feel I can’t control, that I need to refocus on something that makes me happy.  At first I was skeptical but I recall the first night I tried it.  I was rocking Henry and we had this old rocking chair that just squeaked and was driving me crazy.  I didn’t want to go off while I was holding Henry but the anger just kept building and I remember I was about to push the table beside me over in anger but instead I took T’s advice and thought of the first moment I saw Henry.  I went back to those moments where I was filled with pure joy and love and I saw his beautiful face, this miracle we had created.  Of course I cried, but the anger was gone.

That is what I do now.  When I start feeling it come on, I just think of that single moment.  Nothing before, nothing after….just seeing my son for the very first time.  Now sometimes I still need to walk away from the situation…you know, redirect like you have to do with toddlers :)  BUT, it has helped.  That little mental exercise, I guess you could call it, helps me calm myself down enough to refocus.  That is a huge issue; I just focus on things that make me angry instead of letting them go.  (I am most likely going to have to talk to someone about that in time, along with the other thing that sets me off which are sounds.)  But I have come a long way the past two months, and I am very proud of that.

And that is why I am looking forward to 2013.  A new start and being able to refocus.  The past couple months I have been focusing on controlling my anger.  Now that I am aware of it, I try SO hard to prevent myself from going there.  If I start to feel angry or am in a situation that I know may make me stressed and angry I think of something happy and/or walk away.  If Henry does something that he shouldn’t, I try SO hard not to yell and get mad first and instead breathe, talk softly, and redirect the both of us. 

Overall, I am just trying to take back control of my emotions and be aware of my triggers and prevent myself from getting to that angry place.  I haven’t been perfect, but I have been sooooo much better the past couple months! And for the first time in a year, there are FAR more happy days then sad/angry ones.  I know I am a great mom.  I have questioned that a lot over the year….but seeing Henry reassures me that even with all my issues, that when it comes to him I have done something right.

So why am I sharing this long and totally boring post.  I think it is good for me.  Even if no one reads it (and if you still are, I am sorry for taking your time!), but I need to put it out there for ME.  I need to be accountable for my actions and how they affect those I love and by acknowledging that I have been angry and sad and probably a bit depressed, I think I will keep getting better….I know I AM getting better!! 

And I am not looking for sympathy at all; I really am getting to a better place.  I have been writing this stuff down for over a month, unsure if I will post it or just keep it for myself.  Then a friend of mine with twin 8 week olds (God bless her!!) emailed me and she is experiencing things and feelings I had that I ignored.  I think so many new moms ignore or are embarrassed or perhaps are even unaware of these feelings because they are so focused on their child/children that they don’t take care of themselves….physically and mentally. It isn’t easy. I told her to talk to her doctor and provided her with what little and unprofessional advice I could.  But the fact is that no matter what our situation, we all have to make sure we don’t overlook our mental well-being.

I never make resolutions, but this year I am.  I need to refocus this year. 

I need to refocus my anger/emotions, my marriage, my health, my lifestyle, my relationships with people that I have ignored the last year, my habits, and even my home.  I need to get out of this FUNK that I have been in this last year or so and focus my attention on myself, my husband and my son.

And with all that said, I am ready for 2013.  I am hoping it brings a new outlook for me.  Better health, mentally and physically and a much calmer attitude!

I am sure those around me wish that too :)

Because 2012 was so stressful and Terry and I have both been off, we decided to go at this together.  We have a motto - "It is 2013, The Year we Handle Our Business and Get Shit Taken Care Of!" Yes, a long motto :)  So here is to a new us and doing new things, being more positive, getting our shit together, and refocusing our lives!!  I think 2013 is going to be a great year.

Happy New Year!! 

In Search of the Elusive “ME” Time?

Let's talk ME time, shall we.

We have all heard of this or even have had an abundance of this at some point in our lives, right?!  Before full time jobs or kids or bills or more schooling or busy adult lives….I vaguely recall having plenty of time to myself to do whatever I wanted. 

Come back with me if you will to the days where ME time was my priority…..[Insert flashback/dream sequence music and wavy fading image]

I remember back in my college days, even though I had a job at night/weekends and school, I had a plethora of ME time.  Infact, ME time was my priority and I was totally OK with being selfish about my time.  I managed to find time to work, go to class, workout, do my homework and do whatever else I wanted to do for ME.  Sometimes that would consist of taking a nap in the middle of the day.  Maybe walking to the tanning bed and then on the way back to the apartment stopping with some friends at the bar for happy hour and a few drinks (this happened way more frequently than I like to admit).  Maybe it meant playing cards for 6 hours straight, because well, when you have a good game of euchre or phase 10 going, why stop .  It meant leaving with friends to go to see a band play or staying out late because I had nothing important to do the next morning.  And honestly, even if I did have something to do I still seemed to have the energy to not be bothered by only a few hours of sleep at night. Who needs sleep at 22 years old….that is for the weak!!!  And it also meant I had time to be healthy-ish and workout whenever I wanted.  I was the thinnest I ever have been and was in shape and made time to for myself to be healthy.

Ahhhh, that was the life.

And then I graduated and got a job and got married and bought a house and had bills.  ME time turned more into WE time and while ME time was always around; I didn’t always make time for it or ignored it to do stuff with Terry or even stuff around the house instead.  I started putting ME time on the back burner, but maybe because I had been selfish for all those years I openly embraced this.  But then over the years and especially after having Henry, I have continued to take less and less time for myself, I seem to be finding it harder than ever to MAKE time for me or even feeling like I should take time for myself.

Now I am not trying to be all like “whoa is me, I never take time for myself….feel bad for me” or act like a martyr because I am putting other people before me and I should be commended for that. 

HELL NO, that is not the case at all!!

It is sort of two-fold. 

1)      I do find it difficult to find time for myself.  4 out of the 5 days a week I go to work, come home at 5:30 and T. leaves at 5:45, and then I am home with Henry all night.  He goes to bed around 9 and after he is in bed I wash bottles, straighten up the house and just unwind for a minute before I go to bed.  The last thing I am thinking about is working out for 45 minutes.  On the weekends I am also home alone with Henry until early evening and as I have hardly seen Terry all week, cherish what little time we get together in the evenings on the weekend.  Getting up early is an option, just not an option I have managed to succeed at doing.

2)      Then there is the guilt I feel when I take time for myself or do something for myself.  Oh, I don’t want to go get my hair cut and colored because I will be gone for two hours plus I could spend the money elsewhere.  Or I feel bad putting Henry in his bouncer while I walk on the treadmill because I only get 3 hours with him at night, 1 of which is spent with him eating.  I don’t want to be doing something else; I want to hang out with Henry.  It makes me happy to be with him and have that time together.

But then there is that thing where because I don’t make time for myself I get easily stressed or frustrated and I get mad at the way I look and feel and I know I need and want to do something about it.  I want to crochet and get my hair done and I really want to lose a lot of weight.  And even though I am happy spending time with Henry in place of doing stuff for myself, I am unhappy with how I feel.

Vicious circle, no?!

And while I don’t want to go back to the college days above as I really do enjoy my life now and having mostly WE time, let’s be honest…..WE ALL NEED SOME ME TIME!!

So let me ask all of you, how do you not only find “ME” time but MAKE yourself take that time?

I know in theory the answer to this question is easy…..just take time for yourself and don’t feel guilty about it.

Um, I think that answer is easier said than done. 

Mother or not, how do you managed to find time for yourself with your busy life to do the things that make you happy or feel better?  (whether it is working out, crocheting, blogging, going places)

And if you do have kids, how do you find time for yourself?  Especially without feeling guilt.

HDH – 6 Months Old!!

Hold on a second, I just need to take in the fact that our little man is SIX MONTHS OLD! He is half way to a year and if this second half goes as fast as this first half has then we need to start planning his first birthday party now!!

It is crazy how fast this has all gone.  C.R.A.Z.Y.

Granted, in the beginning when every night for 4 hours or more he was fussy and crying it may not have seemed like it was going all that fast but looking back at how far we have come in such a short period of time just blows my mind!  This little man who only came into our lives a mere 6 months ago is growing into this little boy who is fun and exciting and starting to develop his own little personality!  LOVE IT.

Ok, enough with me being sentimental, let’s talk about the big boy, shall we?!

A little bit about Henry:

Henry is a fantastic child.  No really, he is.  Am I about to jinx everything, eh?  I don’t think it will change the fact that he is such a WONDERFUL baby.  He is very laid back and calm.  He just wants to observe the world while also playing with EVERY. SINGLE. TOY. he has at the same time!

Henry is also, shall we say active and curious.  The boy loves to move and get into everything and anything he can get his little hands on.  Changing his diaper, getting him dressed, feeding him a bottle all take extra work on our part as he just wants to move the ENTIRE time!  Kick, grab, wiggle….there is no sitting still during the waking hours for this child. 

And he is strong….I am talking baby hulk strong!  He has a basket of toys in the living room that he will grab and dump ON him.  He feeds himself his bottle and good luck trying to take the bottle away before he is done.  You have to fight him to take it from him.  It is crazy just how strapping he is, you don’t think a baby should be able to be stronger than you!!

Finally, this kid is hilarious to watch!!  He is always smiling and laughing.  And he makes these faces that crack us up!  This child is a hoot, and doesn’t even know it yet!!

Some videos for your viewing pleasure:

(These videos are on my phone and since my phone is about 3-4 years old the picture is really dark, even with the flash!  For the laughing videos, hearing him works just fine!!)

Being really silly. (It is hard to see but his suk is in his mouth upside down and he is laughing and smiling with it in his mouth while also jumping!)

Laughing with Aunt K. (similar videos)

Likes:

- He LOVES his jumperoo!  This is THE. BEST. toy he can have right now.  The boy LOVES to move and this thing lets him do that.  He goes crazy in this thing and jumps hard; so much so that you think it is going to break.

 I luvs it mumeez!

Its do lots of tings!

Likes dis...

...ands it has dis tings...

...ands i jumpses in itz...

...itz is amazings!!

- Bath time.

- To be free!  I am fairly certain his motto is: “Do not hold me, I want to MOVE!” followed by some jazz hands.  Even in his crib he must move all around!

 Terry says we bought the Hokey Pokey crib...heehee

- TV.  Yes, we let him watch TV.  He loves it.  What he loves most, singing.  Any singing show that is on he will stop what he is doing and watch them sing.  So maybe Henry will be a singer or in a band when he grows up!! 

 (Watching American Idol with his feet on the entertainment stand. COME ON child, you kill me!!)

Our piano man :)  Mama gets bored by herself with Henry.

heehee!!

- Tags.  If there is a tag on a toy, he will suck that tag rather than playing with the toy.  And his boppy, well that is his favorite tag….he is always wiggling around to get that tag. 

- Getting at his neck and making him laugh. LOVES that.

- Reading!

- “Talking” aka yelling and mimicking the sounds you make.  We call it the parrot game, and he loves when you “scream” and he “screams” back.

- Food!  Yep, he loves to eat.  Surprise, surprise.  He is actually an exceptional eater, only a few times in the beginning did he refuse to eat something (green beans).  But now he eats his food right up, no problems. 

Foods he has tried:

- Rice Cereal

- Oatmeal

- Sweet Potatoes

- Carrots

- Peas

- Peaches

- Bananas

- Prunes

- Green Beans

- Mashed Potatoes

- Apple Juice

 I want to smooch that face...prunes and all!!

Apparently prunes and a clean colon are sexy!

Dislikes:

- Sitting still or being in one place when he is awake for longer than A SECOND!!

- Lotion

- The vacuum.  LOATHES the vacuum or other loud noises.

- Nose sucker…what kid doesn’t, really.

Milestones:

 -Putting himself to sleep.  I am rather proud of this.  We feed him his last bottle at night, burp him, and then lay him in bed with his suk and mobile on and he goes to sleep! He loves to sleep.

- Rolling over and rolling all over the place and getting into everything!

 (Child proofing will be starting very soon!)

- Sitting up!

- And trying to prop himself up on his own…aka high school senior picture pose!

ahhhhhh, we love it!!

Folks, these last 6 months have been the hardest and the best 6 months of my life!!  

And it is all because of this amazing little man.  

We Love you Henry!! 

Extra Pictures:

 All smiles every morning!

 Iz too bigs for its mumeez!

Iz wantes dat.