What Happens When You Are No Longer Eating Your Emotions

So in January of this year I started my journey to not only lose weight but to stop binging/emotional eating and cut my emotional ties to food.

And while I am not exactly at the weight I thought I would be at by this time, I am still down 33lbs and very proud of THAT accomplishment!

Even more than the weight loss, I am proud of the fact that I have not had a full on binge in TEN months.

WHAT?!

You guys. This is HUGE for me.

I have had some times where I have snacked a little more in the evening than I should and overate, but it definitely doesn’t qualify as a binge.

Binge eating – When you frequently consume unusually large amounts of food and feel unable to stop eating.

Emotional eating - the practice of consuming large quantities of food -- usually "comfort" or junk foods -- in response to feelings instead of hunger. 

Any time now I think I may start a binge, I have stopped myself very quickly.

I have learned to control my overeating, though it happens and is perfectly normal.

For me, binge eating was tied with my emotions that ranged from happy to sad to stressed to bored to mad to overwhelmed to, well whatever. 

I am learning to NOT eat for comfort but to fuel my body. 

I am learning to not immediately turn to food when I am stressed or happy or sad. Though it happens.

I have started eating whole foods 80% of the time, which allows me to eat healthy food but still have those indulgences.  This also helps to avoid overeating and/or binging on food because I no longer feel deprived with what I am eating.

I believe I have the healthiest relationship with food I have EVER had.

So then, I ask myself regularly, why am I so miserable?  Why am I unhappy?  Why am I SO angry all the time?

Yesterday I was leaving home and said goodbye to my 4 year old.  We said our normal, bye, have a good day, love you’s and then he said:

H: “Don’t come home angry today, ok mom!!”

(Feeling like I got punched in the gut, though this little boy has no idea of his brutal honesty that I needed to hear) 

Me: “Ok buddy, I won’t be angry today.”

H: “You promise?!”

Me: sigh “Yes, I promise…love you.”

Ugh. Tears.

It has been something that I have kept thinking about for the past few months.

I am losing weight. 

I am getting a hold of my binge eating. 

And yet I am ANGRY. 

EVERYTHING annoys or frustrates me.

WHY?!?!?!?!

The other day it came to me.  Now of course, I am not a psychologist, so I could be WAY off on this.  But to me, it makes sense.

For 20 years I have used binge eating as my emotional release.  When I get stressed I turn to food.  I would eat a large amount of food quickly and just to feel this release. I would FEEL better after my binge, even if my stomach hurt or feel guilty for eating all that food.  BUT I was satisfied and whatever those stresses I had before were temporarily gone and forgotten as I sat in a combination of food bliss and regret.

To fully explain those feelings I got when I binged is hard and may not make sense to someone who doesn’t have those ties.  But it is a form of addiction and has similar effects to your body.  Am I comparing myself to a heroin addict? Come on…of course not.  BUT, foods high in fat, sugar and salt (the ones I would normally binge on) are known to release and trigger those same “feel-good” chemicals in the brain that certain drugs do.  And then of course when the sugars and stuff wear off, you come down and don’t feel good about yourself so you eat more to feel better about yourself.

Even now, I think about binging nearly EVERY day.  Even as I write this, I think with a sense of comfort and happiness in eating a big plate of nachos and some cookies without care.  While I know now I shouldn’t do it as I have made so much progress, I still have a part of me that WANTS to do it. Every. Single. Day.  

When it comes to stress, some people write in a journal.  Some workout.  Some talk to a professional.  People have different ways of dealing with stress.  FOR nearly TWO decades MY way of dealing with stress is food.  And now THAT is gone.

I am no longer binging.  I have drastically reduced the amount of high sugar, fat, and salt I consume. So when I am stressed I have no release.  I am not saying food was a healthy release, but I have yet to figure out a way to release my stresses in a HEALTHY way and I think that is part of what is causing these feelings of unhappiness and anger. 

I have never dealt with my stress in a healthy way, but I would temporarily ignore it with something that gave me enjoyment.  Now, I am just not dealing with any of it.  I am holding it in until I literally explode at whoever is around me….usually my husband or son. 

As I am nearing the end of my first year journey to a healthier self, my new goals along with continued weight loss, is to figure out how to handle my stress and emotions in a healthy way.  That most likely will involve speaking to an actual professional which will also help with my OCD, which is worse than ever….but that is an entirely different post!!!

But that is also part of the reason I am a beachbody coach.  It is giving me the opportunity to find a more balanced and healthy lifestyle.  It is allowing me to connect with others and share my feelings and listen to theirs.  It is encouraging to work on myself physically AND mentally and leave the emotional ties to food out of the picture.

I still have a long way to go, but am getting closer.

So how do YOU deal with stress?  Emotional eating?

How are you helping YOU?!?!

Pushing Through the Negative to Find the Positive in Myself

So, my first round of the 21 Day Fix I did AMAZING!   I lost something like 9lbs and 18 inches in just 3 weeks!!! 

And while I have managed to keep it off, this second round I have barely lost anything.  Between birthdays, our anniversary, and a head cold that will NOT go away….my motivation has been lacking big time and I am falling back into some of my bad habits.

A bad habit isn’t always physical….meaning binge eating, not wanting to workout, eating junk as I watch TV.  Infact, my eating has stayed pretty consistent, a splurge here and there.  And I workout when I can and feel up to it.

But bad habits are also mental.

Yep, I am mental! 

See, it is more so the frame of mind I fall back into that really brings me down and can be SO hard to get out of.

I get down on myself and focus on the negative.

“How could you let yourself become 100lbs overweight?”

“You still have so far to go.”

“You don’t have time for yourself, you have a family to take care of.  There isn’t time for you.”

“You lost 30lbs and your smaller clothes still don’t fit, you are never going to do this.”

Those are just a few of the thoughts that run through my head.  Perhaps I am a bit dramatic.

But after YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS of dealing with my weight and thinking about weight. And food and binge eating. And what you think other people are thinking about you….it wears on you.  It is hard to break that way of rationalizing when things don’t “go your way”.

I was being all pitiful and mentioning this to a dear friend (also my beachbody coach) and she reminded me that I didn’t put this weight on all at once and it is going to take time to get it all off.  And that I can do this. 

I agreed and cherish how much support she gives me, but still stayed in this funk.

I read how well other people are doing in our challenge group and for a minute got mad….not at them, but at ME.  I kept thinking, that could be you Jenn and you didn’t give it your all.

Then my mom said this week she wanted to help me become a coach because I am doing so great and she wants to help so I can keep going.  I appreciated this beyond words, but of course I was like…well I haven’t done so great the past few weeks. (turned it to a negative)

Then today.  I was listening to this coach meeting and she said “You are more important than giving up.” 

I think, after a week of people telling me over and over what I was failing to hear and remember, I finally heard it ALL at one time.

It all resonated with me and sunk in.  (I know, takes me a bit longer!!)

You guys, my biggest obstacle in losing weight isn’t the amount of weight I need to lose or even if I can do it. 

It is ME. 

It is getting past these thoughts in my heading that are stopping me from moving forward.  These thoughts I have had for years and years.

It is remembering that I. AM. IMPORTANT. 

That this is going to take time. And be hard. And not always go my way and be frustrating BUT I can do this.  And that I have SO MUCH support around me right now if I just open up and accept it.

I CAN DO THIS.

I have to keep that in the back of my head.

I am worth it.

If I want to take care of my family and SHOW them how amazing eating whole foods is for your body and the benefits of working out, then I need to lead by example.

I need to get out of my head.

That may be my biggest challenge for me during this journey.  It is not easy.  Some people may be able to set their mind to something and just do it.  And in some ways I can.

But most of the time I am in my own head.

Questioning everything.

I realized early on this journey is far more than just losing weight.  There is so much more that has brought on this weight then just sitting on the couch and eating.  There are these mental blocks I need to push through.  I need to change up the way I think and view things.  I need to address WHY and HOW I got here and what is stopping me from moving forward.  The answer always come back to me.  I am stopping myself.

It is "funny" how that works, no?!

So today I am trying to refocus.  To take away the negative and focus on the positive.

“How could you let yourself become 100lbs overweight?”  It doesn’t matter how you got here, what matters is that YOU want to change and you CAN change.

“You still have so far to go.”  But you are closer today than you were yesterday!

“You don’t have time for yourself, you have a family to take care of.  There isn’t time for you.”  If you want to take care of your family you MUST take care of YOU first!  There is always time for YOU!

“You lost 30lbs and your smaller clothes still don’t fit, you are never going to do this.”  This will come, but it is more about how you FEEL right now!

I must get out of my head if I want to succeed. 

I am going to try to stay positive.

So, in an attempt to do this I have wrote down some of my thoughts and motivational quotes that I will repeat when I start getting down and falling back into my “bad habits”....

Run when you can, walk if you have to, crawl if you must but never EVER give up.

Focus on how far you have come and not how far you have to go.

When you feel like quitting, think about why you started.

I want to be a before and after. 

(This is something I keep saying to myself.  I want to have those before and after pictures that make people gasp....I want to show how much I have accomplished!)

Weight loss is not just a physical, but mental.

Don’t stop trying just because you have a hit a wall.  Progress is progress, no matter how small.  (This sounds very Dr. Seuss like….this pleases me)

This is a slow process.  Don’t make it slower by quitting.

I am WORTH this.  I CAN do this.  

YES.

I am worth it and YOU are worth.  We can do this.

What are some things you tell yourself to keep going?  



*I will becoming a beachbody coach in October.  If you are interested in more information, please let me know.  I want to help people just like they are helping me!!  I want to do this together!

21 Day Fix Review – My Life Is Changing

Ok, perhaps not a review, but more my thoughts on the 21 day fix.


I just completed Round 1 of the 21 Day Fix and I must say the past 21 Days have been truly life changing.

I know, that is a pretty powerful statement, but it is true.  And keep in mind this is coming from the girl who is a [past] binge eater, loves food, hates working out and has NEVER been able to stick with a diet.

But of course, this isn’t a diet.  This truly is a lifestyle change.

The past few weeks have been emotional, busy and I have been far from perfect with the program.  Good thing the program is not seeking perfection.

Did I work out every day?
Nope, but as many days as I could and FAR more than I have in the last 5 years. (maybe missed 4)

Did I ever “cheat” with my food? 
Yep, I may have had a couple bites of cake or a few bites of cheese dip one day.  But the majority of the time, I was spot on with my eating.  And actually loved what I was eating! (pics below)

But honestly, none of that matters to me anymore...the "did I follow everything exactly".  (Big change!)  I am not trying to feel guilty for my choices of working out or what I eat, because when I put the guilt with food, or any emotions for that matter, then that is when I eat poorly.  I am doing the best I can and focusing on all my healthy choices.

What matters to me now is HOW I FEEL.

Plain and simple. 

And eating whole foods and working out regularly makes me feel amazing….and I haven’t felt amazing in a long time in regards to my body.

I have waited a few days to write my recap because I wanted to see what I did after the program was done.  I didn’t want to check in with the group that is still open.  I didn’t want to plan.  I didn't want accountability.  I know it sounds weird or backwards, but I wanted to see what I DID, back in my “normal” life. Would I go back to my old ways or would I stay with it naturally.

As it turns out, I am naturally gravitating towards the healthy way of eating/living because it really does make me feel better.

Yes, I will admit, I haven’t worked out the past few days (and I notice it and am going back to it) and I have strayed from the meal plan a couple times, but folks I am actually craving that lifestyle.  I want my salads and containers of WHOLE food and packing it for lunch EVERY day.  I actually am still drinking coffee with raw sugar….YEAH, the girl who bitched and complained and cried, literally, about giving up her creamer is still drinking black coffee with raw sugar.

Boom.  Changed.

Yes, I had a piece of pizza Tuesday, but I had a huge salad with it. AND, I didn’t have four pieces of pizza like before.  I am learning to incorporate this into my life and make the healthier choices.  You know that "binge" mentality of not being able wanting to stop, being obsessed with eating as much as I can and if I can't I get mad.  Nope, I just wanted a taste.  I enjoyed the food, but I wasn’t obsessing over it like I have always done in the past.  Same when I had a few bites of a cake, that was enough.  I didn’t need a piece of cake and then another later that day.

To some this may not seem like a success.  But for an emotional binge eating, overweight, food obsessed person….it is HUGE.

This program has done far more for me than I ever expected.  I went into thinking, I really hope this helps me get over this plateau and lose weight and is the quick fix I need.  But instead, I came out feeling like it truly changed my life.

It changed how I feel.  I have more energy.  I feel healthier and not weighed down by the processed foods.

It changed my desire to workout.  I still dread working out simply because finding time to do it can be more of a challenge and is not ideal, but I know I can workout now.  I feel myself and see myself getting stronger.  I am doing moves I couldn’t do three weeks ago.  When I go a day without working out, I am excited ready to get back at it.

It changed how I look at food.  This may be the biggest.  Right now marks the healthiest relationship I have ever had with food.

Yep, that is worth repeating.

At 35, I have the healthiest relationship with food I have ever had.

I respect how the “right” foods can fuel my body and the wrong foods make me sluggish.  I am looking at portions differently.  I am cutting those emotional ties that I have towards food.  I am learning (yes still learning) the difference between my needs vs my wants.  And I am learning how to control my desire for those wants.   Now, I am not giving up all those “wants", no, we like those things in moderation.  But I am carefully choosing what I prefer to put in my body instead of putting it ALL in. The 90/10* rule folks...well, it may be more like 80/20 for me, but I am working on it.

Here is what I got to eat....still great food, but in the right amounts and HEALTHY/WHOLE foods.

It changed what I thought I was capable of doing.

It changed what I thought was healthy and what I now realize is healthy. 

It changed my body and my mind.

I am seeing myself for ME.  Something I have always struggled with.

Was this easy?  No.

Does the group help? YES.  They keep you accountable and are amazing!

Am I still learning? Of Course.

Do I still have a long way to go? Duh….but focusing on the NOW.

Does the program make sense? Yes.

Can I follow it and stick with it? You bet.

Can I do this for me?  Absolutely!!

I am currently down 9lbs and 18 inches (counting arms, chest, waist, hips, thighs and calves) in the past three weeks.

You guys.  That is 28lbs total since I started in January.

 (from January - August)

So with all that said, why do I say this is life changing? 

Because, this is my life and it needed changed and this is the program that is finally helping with that.

I am not just doing the 21 Day Fix to look great in bikini or tone up a bit (which are still great reasons to try it!).

But for me it is so much more.

It is about my health now and as I get older.

It is about my future.

It is about how I feel.

It is about no longer missing opportunities with my son because I am too embarrassed with the way I look to go somewhere or do something with him. (this one makes me cry all the time)

It is about no longer worrying if I will be able to fit in a seat or something, because of my weight.

It is about no longer not going places with my husband because I am embarrassed that he will be embarrassed (though that has never given me reason to think that, I still do because of my own insecurities).

It is about me not getting so angry with myself about the way I look and feel that I take it out on those around me.

It is about not feeling guilty when I eat, especially in public, and instead learning to appreciate food and feel comfortable eating so i don't want to hide and binge.

It is about so much more than just losing a few pounds.

It is about finally feeling LIKE ME and not this person “trapped” in this body.

So would I recommend this program? YES.

Is it tough? YES. But a good tough.

Is it worth it? Without a doubt.

Can YOU do this? YES!!  If I can, you can!

If you put in the work and time.  Plan your meals.  Workout. You will not only see results, but FEEL the results!!!

I will be starting my second round in September!!  The group dynamic is truly amazing...all about the accountability and probably the only way I got through this with the results I did!


What are YOUR thoughts of the Fix? Has it changed YOUR life yet?

.....

Other posts on the 21 Day Fix from me HERE and HERE.



I am at the point where in the next few months, I want to be a coach and continue my journey while also supporting those who are on a similar journey.  I want to inspire those who are in a similar place and have tried everything to lose weight and continue to BE inspired as I move forward with my weight loss journey.  I truly feel this is a program that can do that.

*90/10 Rule - if you eat healthy and workout 90% of the time, it allows for that other 10% of the time to have that leeway and enjoy those times where you do not follow the healthy eating.

Incorporating a Diet on Vacation and Getting Back on Track When the Vacation is Over!

(I feel this sums up me and my progress and how I am learning as I lose weight)

So this last weekend I was home for the week and of course I "had" to eat at all my favorite food places that I only eat at once a year.

How can I pass up pizza at this amazing pizza shop that uses lots of fresh and local (Amish grown) ingredients?!

Or Chinese at my favorite Chinese restaurant....that just so happens to be a buffet.

After standing outside for 6 hours at the Fiesta tent sale, wings and a drink seemed like a must.

No trip home is complete without cream chicken sandwiches and fried mushrooms served with a tall and crisp homemade rootbeer at the Rootbeer Stand!

And can you really go to the Drive-In movie and not snack on nachos with cheese, popcorn and junior mints?!  Ok, you probably can but it isn't as fun.

And what is breakfast without an amazing creme stick from a local bakery!

So I think you are getting my point.  My trip home revolved around two things.  My family and food.

And when you are on a diet, it can be frustrating when you feel you cannot indulge in your favorite things.

But I made a choice.  I was going to let myself eat my favorite things, but take it easy.

See, when I restrict myself, that is when I hurt myself the most because one of two things happens:

1. I either binge eat, or
2. I get very angry (hangry) that I don't get to eat the things I love.

Yep, I am a bit of an extreme person, but I DO get angry when I want to eat something and don't get it. I wasn't going to go the entire trip and not eat some of the foods that make me happy.  It is vacation and I wanted to enjoy myself.  But I also did not want to avoid the foods and then go crazy and binge one day.

Moderation.

That is the thing I am learning and this is something I am going to have to work on for the rest of my life.  Ask any binge eater....this can be tough.

So when we ate pizza, I had a salad to go with my dinner.

A heavy Chinese buffet at lunch and a lighter dinner can balance out nicely.

Eat a smaller amount or half of the foods you like so you get a taste without overindulging.  So you only need half that small strawberry milkshake, not the whole thing.

If you do splurge on, lets say a creme stick, don't do it every day.  One day is enough.

Drink lots of water!!  Especially if you want to have beverages (like alcohol) in the evening....keep it simple during the day and are not drinking your calories.

Make sure you still have healthy snacks and don't skip meals as you still need that fuel for your body and it will help from overeating later.

And remove the guilt!!!  If you are eating within the parameters you set up, then do it without the guilt.  Enjoy as you shouldn't have those negative feelings associated with food...not healthy.

These are things I tried to do last week.

Was I perfect? Uh hell no.  Who is?  But I tried to be mindful of my diet without only focusing on what I ate.

I don't want my love for food to make me unhappy.  I don't want to be so focused on what I eat that I get angry.  I want to enjoy, but enjoy in moderation.  I want to focus on how I feel when I eat.  ENJOY every bite, even if there are only a few bites.  I don't need everything and all at once...a little bit here and there can make me just as happy.  I want to focus on when I feel full and stop instead of feeling I need to power through that entire bag of popcorn.

Since I started this leg of my diet, I have been trying to be more mindful of how food makes me feel.  How I feel towards food.  My food triggers and knowing how to stop myself.

Vacation was no different.  I wasn't going to throw everything I have learned the past 6 months out the window and eat everything in site, but I also wasn't going to not enjoy those foods I love.  This is part of the learning process.

I think overall I did well on vacation.

And the weird thing is I am excited to get back to my healthier eating.

SAY WHAT?!?!

Yep.  I went to the store and bought my salad stuff and have been prepping my healthier foods for the week.  Even though I am off work today, I picked right where I left off before vacation. 1650 calories a day.  I had coffee and an egg and english muffin for breakfast.  A delicious salad for lunch.  And will have a nice dinner, all within my calories.

I think when you start eliminating some of those foods and get in the habit of eating a certain way, it makes it easier to come back after you indulge.  I treated myself last week and now back to my new lifestyle.  Plain and simple.  I have to make it that I have no other choice, this is just the way it is.

THIS is my new lifestyle.

And for the first time, I am OK with that.

I don't know if I have too many tips for getting back on track after a vacation other than just do it.

Go to the store when you get home and get your healthy foods.

Don't bring excess food from your vacation home...you splurged there but at home you are back on track.  i.e. we don't need to bring back creme sticks from the bakery back home!!

Plan healthy meals full of flavor that first week back or your favorite healthy meals to get you excited to eat!

Make up your mind that this is just how it is.  And the next vacation/special occasion you can splurge again, you just need to be healthier now.

 

 So tell me, how do you handle eating on vacation?!?!  How about getting back on track when vacation is over?!

Am I Hurting My Weight Loss by Eating TOO FEW Calories?!?!

So, I have mentioned the last couple months my weight loss has sorta plateaued.  I would aim to eat 1300-1400 calories during the week and 1400-1500.  On the weekends my calorie count really fluctuated higher and more like 1700-2000…because, honestly I was HUNGRY.

During the week I was tired and had no energy.  Many nights I would go to bed when Henry did because I was so tired.

I lost 24 pounds pretty quick, but as my weight loss stopped, I would get mad and eat even fewer calories and then it seemed like one day a week I would eat close to 2000.  This is still less than what I used to eat, especially when I had a binge.  But still, to eat 1250 calories for 3 days and then 2000 the next seemed to be causing issues and confusing my body more than actually helping it.

I started talking to friends and reading as much as I could about eating TOO FEW calories and the effects.

Everything I read stated things like this…

“When you diet aggressively and make drastic cuts in your daily calorie intake, your body panics, signaling starvation mode; this actually slows metabolism. The best way to diet effectively is to cut 100 calories from what you normally would eat.”

“The truth is that cutting calories below 1,050-1,200 per day is counterproductive, because you need strong muscles to be able to exercise effectively.”

"When you eat too few calories, you lose fat but also precious muscle, which is the worst thing you could do because it slows your metabolism and makes it more difficult to increase exercise intensity or duration,"

“It's one of the most frustrating realities of dieting—if you cut out too many calories, your metabolism thinks times are lean and puts the breaks on fat-burning to conserve energy…”

Well Damn.

Frustrating is right.

You eat too few calories and you don’t lose weight. Eat too many calories and gain weight.  Eat the wrong calories and you don’t lose weight.

CAN SOMEONE JUST TELL ME WHAT TO EAT AND HOW MUCH!!

No wonder celebrities pay for personal chefs.

But it explains a lot.  It explains why I was SO tired.  Why I always felt hungry.  Why on the weekends I would eat more, because my body is telling me I need to eat more.

And I am sure the back and forth of low low calories and then higher calories was not helping and confusing my body more.

So last week I decided to follow the calorie count that EVERY calorie calculator (even when I manual determine my calories based on good old fashioned math) told me.  For my height 5’11” and weight (a lot!) and being 35 it was NO WHERE CLOSE to 1300 calories.  Infact, that 1300 was closer to someone looking to lose 2 lbs a week who weighs 160 pounds….you know, my GOAL weight.

Sigh.

For me to lose approximately 2lbs a week (maybe a bit more), not working out, I am looking at 1600-1700.

So this is where I am now, 1650 calories.  Not even counting ANY exercise, which I will need to adjust accordingly. 

It hasn’t been quite a week, but I already FEEL better.  I have more energy.  I haven’t lost anything yet, but the fact I am not tired and not thinking about food all the time is a good start. 

I am going to try keeping my calories around here for a month and see what happens.  If I am still not losing weight it is off to a nutritionist to see what they suggest.

Some other tips I have found that I will be using this month:

Eat lots of vegetables to help you feel full.

Drink plenty of COLD water. (cold water kickstarts your metabolism)

Stay busy -- you don't want to eat just because you're bored.

Eat only from a plate, while seated at a table. No grazing in front of the 'fridge. (Guilty!)

Don't skip meals.

Eat every 3-4 hours.

Workout!!!

Eat a healthy breakfast within an hour of waking up.

My schedule will look something like this: (approximately*)

7-8 a.m.: Breakfast 250 [calories]

10 a.m.: Snack 200

1 p.m.: Lunch 350

3-4 p.m.: Snack 200

6-7 p.m.: Dinner 650

Avoid eating after 8:30

I am trying to incorporate at least 20-30 minutes of exercise into my schedule.  It has been hard…

Trying to workout...about 15 minutes into it.

…but I will keep trying!

I still like sweets, I like love bread, and chips with any sorta dip cannot be in the house at all. But I still want to eat those things I love and have no plans to give them up…. just eating them in moderation.  I have a near 4 year old I have to cook for who is semi-picky and a husband who prefers hardy foods so I am trying to find ways to make sure we all eat healthy without breaking the bank and cooking separate meetings for all three of us. 

I have learned a few tricks the past 6 months on my diet like buy things like healthy Life bread (35 calories a slice), air popcorn or skinny pop for snacks, and if we eat a higher calorie dinner like pasta or pizza I always include a very large salad.

So I am trying this all again.  Just like my first post on this journey where I said I feel motivated and refreshed…that is me now.  Again. 

"If I quit now, I will soon be back to where I started.  And when I started, I was desperately wishing to be where I am now."  

I have come way too far in my weight loss, my binge eating, the way I look at food to let this little bump in my journey stop me.  I am really hoping by increasing my calories to a more realistic calorie count, working out, and eating every few hours my body will get the kick it needs to start losing weight again!!!  So this may take me a little longer than I wanted, but what is important is that I get to where I want to be…right?!?!

*As I have mentioned before, I adjust depending on what I am eating for dinner.  I plan meals out at least weekly, but normally bi-weekly or a month at a time.

Frustration – An Open Vent…

So, yes I have been missing lately from the blog and most of that is due to frustration.  This is an open vent, to which after I will move on and keep going.  But sometimes we I just need to vent.

In all honesty, I haven’t felt as motivated and therefore felt little inspiration to myself, let alone others. 

Yep, falling back into my old mental blocks and ways.

I am disappointed that I am not where I thought I would be.  To date I have lost 24lbs.  This is good, but not where I wanted to be as summer approaches.  I thought I would be at least 10 more pounds lighter.

I get frustrated that for me to lose a few pounds takes so much work, when some people (like my husband!!!) can lose 30 lbs and are still eating fast food and drinking pop and eating sweets, just slightly smaller portions.  I cut ALL of that out of my diet and try to eat clean daily and eat a low calorie diet and it still takes forever to lose weight.  Yeah, I have splurge days, BUT COME ON.  One splurge day where I still eat reasonable and under my daily allowance shouldn’t mean I don’t lose anything all week.  I know everyone is different and I shouldn’t compare, but I am human and do.

I am annoyed about our schedule and finding time to work out to try to help with the weight loss.  Yeah, Henry and I take bike rides and stuff on occasion, but have you ever taken a bike ride with a 3 ½ year old?  The exercise isn’t in biking, it is how well you can balance on your bike going at a near walking speed.   Walks with him mean we stop every 5 feet to pick “beautiful yellow flowers”.   I already get up at 6am with him and finally have me time after he is in bed around 9m.  The last thing I want to do is spend the 30-40 minutes before I go to bed working out, nor do I want to wake up at 5:30!!!  Are you kidding me.   

I hate how my clothes are fitting incorrectly at the moment.  Some are a bit too big but the size down is still too snug.  So most of the things I wear I just feel uncomfortable.  I just don’t feel good in anything I wear.

I am tired of planning so many separate meals so that we can all eat what we want to eat while I also stay on my diet. 

I don’t like seeing any results in over a month, period.

I know I have to suck things up and keep going.  I WANT to keep going. 

I need to find time to workout, even if it means getting up at 5:30am (barf).

I need to stick with this and think of it as a lifestyle change and not a diet.

I know that things have changed, even beside the weight.  I really don’t know the last time I binged.  There have been a few times I have eaten a second portion of snack foods or more than I probably should.  But not a binge.  Nothing close to that.  That is huge for me, nearly 20 years of binge eating regularly and I am learning to recognize, acknowledge it and control it.  So I know I am making improvements.

But lets be honest, the weight loss is what anyone who is overweight wants to see.  YES, I notice the other things and that is great.  But for me, at my weight, I want to see the numbers go down.  I want to put on the new capri pants I bought in a size down to fit comfortably.

Starting today I am trying something new for the next couple months.  I am going to form a new goal.  Pilates 2-3 days a week and try to walk or bike ride 2-3 days a week.  I will see over the next few months if that makes any difference in the weight loss and my overall feeling.

So let me ask, how do you incorporate a healthy lifestyle into your daily life/your busy life?  What do you do when you get discouraged? 

Yes Body, I Am Listening

One of (the many) issues I have had with food is listening to my body.

Am I hungry?

Am I full?

Are there things missing that my body needs?

I think this sorta goes hand in hand (or hand to mouth) with binge eating.  Though binge eating has  mental aspects to why I do it, I have also taught myself to ignore my body and what it really needs when it comes to food.

I have been SO FULL and yet I have just kept eating.

I have gone without eating and been so hungry I scream and cry and act a fool.

I have ignored those items my body needs for a craving of something that i don't need.

But now, I am trying really hard to LISTEN to my body.  Know what it needs and what it doesn't need.  I am retraining myself to stop and listen.  

For decades it has been about my desire for food, the love of food, the comfort of food, the taste of food, the way food makes me feel well before learning to respect food and make it one part of my life and not MY life.

I remember a few weeks into this journey, I started going to bed with this feeling that was new to me.  I was satisfied by what I had eaten all day, but i also had this bit of hunger in me.  For years I had gone to bed after eating a full meal and I was always stuffed, so stuffed I could feel it most of the night.  But this new feeling actually felt great.  So this is what it feels like to not feel stuffed.  So this is what it is like to eat ENOUGH and no more.  

Part of this journey is creating a new lifestyle.  It is keeping my love of food but learning to respect and be aware of what I put in my body.

So what I am doing, exactly?

1. Don't Eat on Auto-Pilot (Also known as mindless eating.)

I am an emotional eater.  I tend to go on autopilot when it comes to food.  But now I have started counting out my snacks based on portion size.  So instead of bring the bag of baked cheetos or almonds to the living room and going on auto pilot with the food and 30 minutes later realizing I ate 3 servings, I count everything out.  Bring out my 34 pieces of cheetos in the living room and eat that portion.  Then I wait at least a half an hour.  Am I still hungry?  Then I get more.  But normally I have been satisfied with what I ate and I move on.

2. Eat When I am Hungry

When counting calories I have had guilt when I go over.  But I have had to learn that some days I am just hungrier than others, while other days I barely hit my calorie goal.  Not sure why, but if I am hungry I now eat.  BUT I now know the difference between real hunger, boredom, or eating because I think I should eat.  In fact, I ask myself those questions to see why I am eating.

3. Stop When I am Satisfied and Before I get Too Full

Sometimes I actually WANT to eat more.  Recently I really wanted food, it was one of my emotional/stressed days.  I was eating my meal and noticed I was satisfied and starting to get full.  I actually got angry with myself that I was getting FULL.  I WANTED TO KEEP EATING.  It was my comfort.  What will happen if I just stop.  What about the food I didn't eat, what will happen to it.  I don't want to wait to eat the rest of the food later.  I want it NOW.

I got mad all because I was full but wanted the rest of my meal.  Logic goes out the door for those moments.  In the past I would have kept going because it would comfort me and I would eat to the point of feeling sick.  But I stopped.  I told myself that I can eat the rest for lunch the next day and it would be amazing!  Yeah, I sorta had to reason with myself like I reason with my 3 1/2 year old.  I also told myself that if I was hungry later, really hungry I could have a snack.  You want to know something, I didn't feel I needed the snack later.  Now don't get me wrong, I wanted a snack because I was thinking about it...but I also knew I was fine.  I wasn't feeling hungry.  I then went to bed and felt good all because I stopped when I was satisfied.

4. Enjoy What I am Eating (aka SLOW DOWN)

Being a binge eater you tend to be a fast eater.  Eat as much as you can in a short amount of time.  With that, it takes your stomach and mind awhile to communicate to each other that you are infact DONE eating.  When I am eating now I really try to slow down.  Put my fork down in between bites.  Taste the food and not rush.  This. Is. Hard. and something I am still struggling with every day.  But I am working on it.  I had some cheesecake the other day and it took me 20 minutes to eat it.  I intentionally slowed down.  Anticipated and then enjoyed EACH and EVERY bite.  Snacks, I eat one at a time instead of stuffing a handful in my mouth.  Dinner I sit and eat slowly.  I am respecting the food and savoring what I eat.

5. Eat What Your Body Wants

I still snack.  I still eat some bites of chocolate every day (thank goodness for Hershey kisses!!) I still eat carbs.  I still drink my lattes in moderation.  But I am also eating lots of lean meats, fruits and vegetables.  I am keeping my diet balanced, without giving up those things that make me happy.  Moderation and balance and eating the things my body wants....just in WAY smaller portions and not all the time.

So this is where I am now.  Learning to listen to my body!!!  And on the eve of my 35th birthday, I am finding that now, more than ever, I need to stop and listen!

100 Days - Keep Going (Subtitle Motivation)

I logged into My Fitness Pal on Sunday and was congratulated with logging in 100 days in a row.  Surprisingly (or not so if you know me) I had mixed feelings about this.

Part of me was excited as it meant I have been doing this diet for 100 days and have managed to, at least try, to stay with it for a 100 days.  This is big for me!

But then part of me was disappointed as I thought I would be at least 30 lbs down by this date, instead of 21.  The past month has been tough, I haven't been as strict with my diet and I haven't been working out, so I felt disappointment for not being where I thought I should be and not working as hard as I know I can.

And just when I was feeling bad I woke the next morning to see comments from my mom and friend that made me feel so happy and encouraged me to keep going and not think lightly of how far I have come and what I have done so far.

(encouraging!)

I have to remember this weight has been put on over the last 10 years, it is going to take awhile and a lifestyle change to get it off.

And then I thought of what my sister told me when I started.  I think of this every time I start to get down.

For me, this is what motivates me and keeps me going.  People.

As I have said before, I have always closed myself off from people in the past because my weight issues are embarrassing and I feel so vulnerable talking about it.  But more than ever I have realized that I need these amazing people and they are truly on myside, and I know they need me too because we are all trying to become healthier and better ourselves. I feel so grateful to have SO much support, and I hope I am able to make others feel motivated as well.

Yes, I have to do this on my own, but I don't have to be alone while I do it.

Now, the hardest part for me is staying motivated.  Those times when you try so hard and do not see any results, it is so frustrating and discouraging.  Those are the times I turn to my friends/family as well as, the other things that motivate refocus me.  Yes, I think that is the best term....refocus.  Sometimes I just need to get out of my own head, step back and refocus.

To help with this I created a Pinterest board of things that keep me going.  It sounds silly and consists of things like quotes, outfits I want to wear, before and after weight loss photos...things that inspire me.  But it works.  Just like texting a friend at 9:30pm when I want to binge, going on this board has also stopped me and allows me to refocus.

I refocus on the clothes I so desperately want to wear some day and not have to pay $60 for a shirt that is so bulky and unflattering.  And I want to wear boots with jeans or leggings like ALL THE TIME!

 (Ok, I will never wear this but I a girl can dream, right?!?!)

I have never worn a little black dress, I want to so bad.

 YES.

We have a beach trip planned next year and I want to wear a swimsuit and go swimming with Henry and not think twice about.

I want to post my before and after and have people go WOW and feel motivated and encouraged by my transformation.

this is me currently 20 lbs down...don't laugh :-/

I want this little man, my biggest inspiration, to know as he gets older that he can do ANYTHING he sets his mind too.  And even if it seems hard or impossible or takes a long long time, he can do it.  And I can show him this because I DID IT.

So to all of you who are supporting me on this long journey I have to say THANK YOU.  I can't even begin to tell you how much it means to me.  The check-ins, the emails, the "likes" it all means so much.

So what motivates YOU?!?!  What/who are the things that keep you going?  How do you stay motivated??

PLEASE SHARE!!

Fifteen

Last week I reached 15 pounds lost, and I have to say this was huge for me for so many reasons.

As I type this, I am officially at 18 pounds lost (WOOHOO!!) but reaching 15 was my first big goal.

For some, 15lbs may not seem that much or a small goal, especially when I have over 100 I want to lose.  But honestly, EVERY pound seems big to me at the moment!  I had decided that instead of setting large goals that can take a while to achieve, I would set my goals in 15 lb increments.   I wanted something to work towards but that wouldn’t take me months and months to achieve.  I wanted to feel success in these “smaller” goals and keep my motivation going.

Part of this weight loss thing is the mental aspect.  Moving past what you have always done.  Making yourself the priority.  Keeping yourself going when all you really want to do is eat those chicken wings with ranch dressing followed by a slice of Edwards Chocolate Crème pie.  

I usually always fail with the mental side of weight loss.  Whether it is the binge eating or setting unrealistic goals (I can lose 50 pounds in 3 months with this fad diet!) or feeling alone or being way too hard on myself, I always have found some excuse reason for a diet failing.

But 15 pounds is now GONE and it feels GREAT!!

Literally, I am feeling different.  Feeling better.  I have more energy, probably because I am eating to keep my body fueled and not eating so much it actually slows me down and feels heavy. 

My clothes are starting to feel different.  One pair of work pants I have are nearly to the point of too big!!  Love that.  And this other pair I would never wear because they had been dried and shrunk a bit and were super snug in the legs and I could barely button them.  Well, I put them on yesterday and BOOM, THEY FIT!  Like perfectly.  And I am wearing a shirt that is actually a little clingy to me…granted, I am still wearing something  over it, but baby steps, no?!

15 pounds also got me past a number I didn’t want to be at, just about the most I have ever weighed.  Breaking past that was a big deal.

The fact that I lost the 15 pounds in 6 weeks was also a great motivation.  It was realistic.  About 2.5 a week.  Slow and steady.  I also think:  “Hey, by the end of March I could be down 30 lbs and maybe by my birthday nearly 40lbs!!  I could get a few new clothing items!”  Yep.  Motivation.  

In the scheme of things, the time it will take to lose another 15lbs doesn’t seem like that far away.  Totally doable.   I mean, I know it will take me a year or more to lose all the weight I want to lose, but these mini goals keep me going!!

It was also the first 15 pounds.  Folks, do you know how long I have tried to lose the first 15lbs?!?!  I am not saying that the next 15 or the next 15 after that will be easier, BUT making the change and sticking with it are the first steps.  Instead of watching the scale slowly move up, I am now excited to watch it go down!

For me, this is becoming a way of life.  For the foreseeable future I need to be aware of my eating habits.  That doesn’t mean that I am totally OK with this all the time or that this weekend I didn’t go over my caloric intake.  But when I did, I was not hard on myself.  I did not feel guilty because even though I did go over, I still kept things healthier than in the past.  It isn’t an “all or nothing” mentality for me right now.  I am learning to live with my love of food and learning healthy alternatives and notice when I am hungry and find a healthy balance between it all.  I have always enjoyed healthy food and overall eaten healthy most of the time, but I would either binge on crap food and/or eat way too much of even the healthier stuff.  Healthy food still has calories, Jenn.

This weekend, I was hungry.  Like ALL. THE. TIME. HUNGRY.  Instead of denying myself and then just eating until I feel sick…I had some little snacks here and there until I felt satisfied.  Ok, some cheese and crackers.  30 minutes later…nope, still hungry.  How about an apple with peanut butter.  Ok.  Getting there.  Maybe 3 hersheys kisses will help that sweet tooth.  Yep.  I am good now.  I recognized what I wanted.  I ate with care, knowing what I was putting in my body and not just blindly eating until I was past the point of satisfied and stuffed.  That a plate of nachos isn't a snack.  I am learning there are days where I will be hungry and want more, and to my surprise there have been days where I am not that hungry and have actually eaten less than my 1300 calorie allowance.  Yeah, I KNOW!!

I am learning to take myself out of situations that have always provided me the opportunity to overeat.  Like after Henry goes to bed and I am downstairs watching TV.  Nope.  Now I either go to bed or go upstairs and read and or watch something on my computer.  By removing myself I am breaking that habit I have created over the years…sit on the couch in the evening and mindlessly eat.  I do miss it.  The other day I wanted so bad to grab the chips and dip and sit and eat and watch TV.  It will all take awhile.  But that day, I said no and guess what, I was OK!  I felt great the next morning.  Huh.  Maybe you don't need to overeat, Jenn....

I allow myself sweets and snacks, but just in smaller and calculated amounts unlike past diets where I removed everything that seemed to be tasty.  So, if I want that fudge bar tonight or popcorn, what do I need to remove from my diet to have that?  I calculate everything I am eating the night before.  At the moment we have oreos, chips, tortilla chips, M&M’s ALL in the house.  Just a few months ago I would have considered that a challenge to eat all that (you know, so it wasn’t in the house anymore).  Now, I am weighing out my options on exactly where my calories go.  Three “knock off” oreos are 150 calories.  Do I have 150 calories to spare?  No, but I have 100 so 2 it is.  Still get my oreos and still within my calories.

For some this thinking is pretty easy.  Basic.  Straight forward.  But for someone who mindlessly eats and has binged as much as I have the past 20 years, it really is this "far-fetched" concept.   I have always taken the “eat until I am full or that void I am feeling is filled with something else” way of eating.  Now I think of EVERYTHING I put into my body.  I am still thinking of food ALL THE TIME, like I was before.  But now it is a more positive way of thinking instead of looking for comfort, or out of boredom or stress.

And don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t all been easy so far.  I emailed my sister a few weeks ago because for over a week I hadn’t lost and actually gained a pound.  Of course my younger sister wrote me an amazing email and helped me stay focus and kept me on track.  She really is a smart cookie. mmm, cookie.  And a week ago I was crying to Terry because he was eating a big mac and filet of fish and fries (as a "special treat" yuck) and has lost 30 lbs since august and while I am very proud of him and didn’t for a minute want what he was eating, it was the fact that I couldn’t have it that made me cry.  I know, weirdo. 

Fifteen.

Yep, this fifteen is FAR more than just the pounds as you can tell by my long winded post.  But this is why I know this will work this time.  I am sharing to keep me going and accountable.  I am sharing to get these feelings out in the open, to say them and acknowledge them.  I am sharing these successes, because as illogical as they may seem to some they are how I have always thought and I cannot do this if I do not acknowledge WHY I overeat.  I am sharing so that when I have a hard day, I can look back at these posts and tell myself to hang in there.  To look at how far you have come.  To keep going because you are worth it!!  That even though today may be hard, tomorrow will be better.

On to the next 15!!!