Pushing Through the Negative to Find the Positive in Myself

So, my first round of the 21 Day Fix I did AMAZING!   I lost something like 9lbs and 18 inches in just 3 weeks!!! 

And while I have managed to keep it off, this second round I have barely lost anything.  Between birthdays, our anniversary, and a head cold that will NOT go away….my motivation has been lacking big time and I am falling back into some of my bad habits.

A bad habit isn’t always physical….meaning binge eating, not wanting to workout, eating junk as I watch TV.  Infact, my eating has stayed pretty consistent, a splurge here and there.  And I workout when I can and feel up to it.

But bad habits are also mental.

Yep, I am mental! 

See, it is more so the frame of mind I fall back into that really brings me down and can be SO hard to get out of.

I get down on myself and focus on the negative.

“How could you let yourself become 100lbs overweight?”

“You still have so far to go.”

“You don’t have time for yourself, you have a family to take care of.  There isn’t time for you.”

“You lost 30lbs and your smaller clothes still don’t fit, you are never going to do this.”

Those are just a few of the thoughts that run through my head.  Perhaps I am a bit dramatic.

But after YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS of dealing with my weight and thinking about weight. And food and binge eating. And what you think other people are thinking about you….it wears on you.  It is hard to break that way of rationalizing when things don’t “go your way”.

I was being all pitiful and mentioning this to a dear friend (also my beachbody coach) and she reminded me that I didn’t put this weight on all at once and it is going to take time to get it all off.  And that I can do this. 

I agreed and cherish how much support she gives me, but still stayed in this funk.

I read how well other people are doing in our challenge group and for a minute got mad….not at them, but at ME.  I kept thinking, that could be you Jenn and you didn’t give it your all.

Then my mom said this week she wanted to help me become a coach because I am doing so great and she wants to help so I can keep going.  I appreciated this beyond words, but of course I was like…well I haven’t done so great the past few weeks. (turned it to a negative)

Then today.  I was listening to this coach meeting and she said “You are more important than giving up.” 

I think, after a week of people telling me over and over what I was failing to hear and remember, I finally heard it ALL at one time.

It all resonated with me and sunk in.  (I know, takes me a bit longer!!)

You guys, my biggest obstacle in losing weight isn’t the amount of weight I need to lose or even if I can do it. 

It is ME. 

It is getting past these thoughts in my heading that are stopping me from moving forward.  These thoughts I have had for years and years.

It is remembering that I. AM. IMPORTANT. 

That this is going to take time. And be hard. And not always go my way and be frustrating BUT I can do this.  And that I have SO MUCH support around me right now if I just open up and accept it.

I CAN DO THIS.

I have to keep that in the back of my head.

I am worth it.

If I want to take care of my family and SHOW them how amazing eating whole foods is for your body and the benefits of working out, then I need to lead by example.

I need to get out of my head.

That may be my biggest challenge for me during this journey.  It is not easy.  Some people may be able to set their mind to something and just do it.  And in some ways I can.

But most of the time I am in my own head.

Questioning everything.

I realized early on this journey is far more than just losing weight.  There is so much more that has brought on this weight then just sitting on the couch and eating.  There are these mental blocks I need to push through.  I need to change up the way I think and view things.  I need to address WHY and HOW I got here and what is stopping me from moving forward.  The answer always come back to me.  I am stopping myself.

It is "funny" how that works, no?!

So today I am trying to refocus.  To take away the negative and focus on the positive.

“How could you let yourself become 100lbs overweight?”  It doesn’t matter how you got here, what matters is that YOU want to change and you CAN change.

“You still have so far to go.”  But you are closer today than you were yesterday!

“You don’t have time for yourself, you have a family to take care of.  There isn’t time for you.”  If you want to take care of your family you MUST take care of YOU first!  There is always time for YOU!

“You lost 30lbs and your smaller clothes still don’t fit, you are never going to do this.”  This will come, but it is more about how you FEEL right now!

I must get out of my head if I want to succeed. 

I am going to try to stay positive.

So, in an attempt to do this I have wrote down some of my thoughts and motivational quotes that I will repeat when I start getting down and falling back into my “bad habits”....

Run when you can, walk if you have to, crawl if you must but never EVER give up.

Focus on how far you have come and not how far you have to go.

When you feel like quitting, think about why you started.

I want to be a before and after. 

(This is something I keep saying to myself.  I want to have those before and after pictures that make people gasp....I want to show how much I have accomplished!)

Weight loss is not just a physical, but mental.

Don’t stop trying just because you have a hit a wall.  Progress is progress, no matter how small.  (This sounds very Dr. Seuss like….this pleases me)

This is a slow process.  Don’t make it slower by quitting.

I am WORTH this.  I CAN do this.  

YES.

I am worth it and YOU are worth.  We can do this.

What are some things you tell yourself to keep going?  



*I will becoming a beachbody coach in October.  If you are interested in more information, please let me know.  I want to help people just like they are helping me!!  I want to do this together!

The Binge

Twenty eight days into my diet.

Ten pounds lost.

And all I want to do tonight is binge eat.

I want to grab a handful of the M&M's sitting so conveniently on the counter and shove them in my mouth.  I want to tear open the chips and salsa that tease me every time I open the cupboard door.  I want to fill the largest soup bowl we have to the brim with cereal and enough milk to make it a challenge to put your spoon in for the first time for fear it may overflow.  I want something chocolate then salty, alternating between the two.

I know, it is hard to understand and it is even harder to explain why I want to do this. Probably disgusts many people out there.  But I have been doing this for 20 years.  For 20 years I have binged my way to my current weight.  In college I would binge and purge, but I soon realized I hated throwing up...and more so I enjoyed food way too much to throw it back up.  I love food.  And I love how I feel while I eat it (just not after).

So I would secretly just binge in moments of weakness. And it isn't all the time.  I have gone months without doing it, many months.  It all depends what is going on in my life, and honestly there has been so much stress the past few years that it isn't surprising that the 35 pounds I lost before Henry have come back on the last 3 years.  I actually weighed more than I did the day I gave birth to him as I only gained about 20 pounds and lost that and then some immediately.

Since high school and days of feeling lonely or stressed I found comfort in binge eating.  I have turned to food to fill that void.  And it isn't even like I plan it with myself, "Hey Jenn, lets binge eat tonight...say around 9pm??" It just takes over and like bad peer pressure I succumb to it for some relief.  Some would find it laughable that I say food is like a drug to me.  Just don't eat!!! You know, I wish it was laughable and some silly joke.  But it isn't and it isn't that easy to let go of something you have been turning to for so long.

For me, my drug is food.  That initial satisfaction you feel when you eat without care, that instant gratification takes away from whatever it is you may be feeling that has made you have this insatiable appetite in the first place.  This need to eat uncontrollably.  You ignore all logic.  Will power is non-existent. And like any drug, you give into it completely and only think about that moment.  No consequences.  You just enjoy every bite and have no other cares or concerns.

But then like any drug, after you have consumed more calories than you care to count or acknowledge, you start to come down from that euphoria you felt.  There is a pain in your stomach as it tries to digest all that food you just piled into yourself in a very short amount of time.  (see you want to eat fast, so you can eat more..otherwise you start to feel full.)  The guilt starts to set in as you look around at the damage in the form of wrappers or dirty dishes that are around you.  That feeling of loneliness or stress or whatever it was you had before is even more intense, but now coupled with a gross feeling and ashamed that you once again gave in to this urge for a temporary fix.

Why do I binge?  I am working on that and that post is not for today.

Today I write.

Today I share this urge I am currently having because I just can't pick up the phone at 10pm and have someone talk me down from eating a plate of nachos.

Today I focus on how far I have come and try to ignore how far I still have to go.

Today I desperately want to eat something, anything because my day sucked and I feel lonely and emotional and I just want to feel better.

Today I cry at the fact that I not only want food in place of expressing my real feelings and emotions, but that I can't have all that food I so desperately want.

Today I think of all the people who can pass up dessert and it doesn't make them angry inside and how I hope some day that can be me.

Today.

Today I write.

Today it is now one hour before tomorrow and I know that at least for today, I am not giving in and that is one day closer to where I want to be.  As much as I really want to eat, I also want to change.  I finally want to change.  Through my tears I am realizing that I need to change and I can't keep hiding my feelings in the depth of my stomach.

Today I purge.  Not the food, but my feelings.  I am not closing off to others like I do so many times.  I am putting this out there, even for no one else to read but for me to say.  To finally admit out loud and not just be this voice in the back of my head that I ignore and stuff with more food.

Today i will not binge.  I will go to bed, only having indulged in 10 M&M's and a half of bowl of cereal...because they were in my allotted calorie count.

Today is one day closer to where I want to be.

Today I was strong enough.

"If I quit now, I will soon be back to where I started.  And when I started, I was desperately wishing to be where I am now."