Friday, January 30, 2015

The Binge

Twenty eight days into my diet.

Ten pounds lost.

And all I want to do tonight is binge eat.

I want to grab a handful of the M&M's sitting so conveniently on the counter and shove them in my mouth.  I want to tear open the chips and salsa that tease me every time I open the cupboard door.  I want to fill the largest soup bowl we have to the brim with cereal and enough milk to make it a challenge to put your spoon in for the first time for fear it may overflow.  I want something chocolate then salty, alternating between the two.

I know, it is hard to understand and it is even harder to explain why I want to do this. Probably disgusts many people out there.  But I have been doing this for 20 years.  For 20 years I have binged my way to my current weight.  In college I would binge and purge, but I soon realized I hated throwing up...and more so I enjoyed food way too much to throw it back up.  I love food.  And I love how I feel while I eat it (just not after).

So I would secretly just binge in moments of weakness. And it isn't all the time.  I have gone months without doing it, many months.  It all depends what is going on in my life, and honestly there has been so much stress the past few years that it isn't surprising that the 35 pounds I lost before Henry have come back on the last 3 years.  I actually weighed more than I did the day I gave birth to him as I only gained about 20 pounds and lost that and then some immediately.

Since high school and days of feeling lonely or stressed I found comfort in binge eating.  I have turned to food to fill that void.  And it isn't even like I plan it with myself, "Hey Jenn, lets binge eat tonight...say around 9pm??" It just takes over and like bad peer pressure I succumb to it for some relief.  Some would find it laughable that I say food is like a drug to me.  Just don't eat!!! You know, I wish it was laughable and some silly joke.  But it isn't and it isn't that easy to let go of something you have been turning to for so long.

For me, my drug is food.  That initial satisfaction you feel when you eat without care, that instant gratification takes away from whatever it is you may be feeling that has made you have this insatiable appetite in the first place.  This need to eat uncontrollably.  You ignore all logic.  Will power is non-existent. And like any drug, you give into it completely and only think about that moment.  No consequences.  You just enjoy every bite and have no other cares or concerns.

But then like any drug, after you have consumed more calories than you care to count or acknowledge, you start to come down from that euphoria you felt.  There is a pain in your stomach as it tries to digest all that food you just piled into yourself in a very short amount of time.  (see you want to eat fast, so you can eat more..otherwise you start to feel full.)  The guilt starts to set in as you look around at the damage in the form of wrappers or dirty dishes that are around you.  That feeling of loneliness or stress or whatever it was you had before is even more intense, but now coupled with a gross feeling and ashamed that you once again gave in to this urge for a temporary fix.

Why do I binge?  I am working on that and that post is not for today.

Today I write.

Today I share this urge I am currently having because I just can't pick up the phone at 10pm and have someone talk me down from eating a plate of nachos.

Today I focus on how far I have come and try to ignore how far I still have to go.

Today I desperately want to eat something, anything because my day sucked and I feel lonely and emotional and I just want to feel better.

Today I cry at the fact that I not only want food in place of expressing my real feelings and emotions, but that I can't have all that food I so desperately want.

Today I think of all the people who can pass up dessert and it doesn't make them angry inside and how I hope some day that can be me.


Today I write.

Today it is now one hour before tomorrow and I know that at least for today, I am not giving in and that is one day closer to where I want to be.  As much as I really want to eat, I also want to change.  I finally want to change.  Through my tears I am realizing that I need to change and I can't keep hiding my feelings in the depth of my stomach.

Today I purge.  Not the food, but my feelings.  I am not closing off to others like I do so many times.  I am putting this out there, even for no one else to read but for me to say.  To finally admit out loud and not just be this voice in the back of my head that I ignore and stuff with more food.

Today i will not binge.  I will go to bed, only having indulged in 10 M&M's and a half of bowl of cereal...because they were in my allotted calorie count.

Today is one day closer to where I want to be.

Today I was strong enough.

"If I quit now, I will soon be back to where I started.  And when I started, I was desperately wishing to be where I am now."  

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