What Happens When You Are No Longer Eating Your Emotions

So in January of this year I started my journey to not only lose weight but to stop binging/emotional eating and cut my emotional ties to food.

And while I am not exactly at the weight I thought I would be at by this time, I am still down 33lbs and very proud of THAT accomplishment!

Even more than the weight loss, I am proud of the fact that I have not had a full on binge in TEN months.

WHAT?!

You guys. This is HUGE for me.

I have had some times where I have snacked a little more in the evening than I should and overate, but it definitely doesn’t qualify as a binge.

Binge eating – When you frequently consume unusually large amounts of food and feel unable to stop eating.

Emotional eating - the practice of consuming large quantities of food -- usually "comfort" or junk foods -- in response to feelings instead of hunger. 

Any time now I think I may start a binge, I have stopped myself very quickly.

I have learned to control my overeating, though it happens and is perfectly normal.

For me, binge eating was tied with my emotions that ranged from happy to sad to stressed to bored to mad to overwhelmed to, well whatever. 

I am learning to NOT eat for comfort but to fuel my body. 

I am learning to not immediately turn to food when I am stressed or happy or sad. Though it happens.

I have started eating whole foods 80% of the time, which allows me to eat healthy food but still have those indulgences.  This also helps to avoid overeating and/or binging on food because I no longer feel deprived with what I am eating.

I believe I have the healthiest relationship with food I have EVER had.

So then, I ask myself regularly, why am I so miserable?  Why am I unhappy?  Why am I SO angry all the time?

Yesterday I was leaving home and said goodbye to my 4 year old.  We said our normal, bye, have a good day, love you’s and then he said:

H: “Don’t come home angry today, ok mom!!”

(Feeling like I got punched in the gut, though this little boy has no idea of his brutal honesty that I needed to hear) 

Me: “Ok buddy, I won’t be angry today.”

H: “You promise?!”

Me: sigh “Yes, I promise…love you.”

Ugh. Tears.

It has been something that I have kept thinking about for the past few months.

I am losing weight. 

I am getting a hold of my binge eating. 

And yet I am ANGRY. 

EVERYTHING annoys or frustrates me.

WHY?!?!?!?!

The other day it came to me.  Now of course, I am not a psychologist, so I could be WAY off on this.  But to me, it makes sense.

For 20 years I have used binge eating as my emotional release.  When I get stressed I turn to food.  I would eat a large amount of food quickly and just to feel this release. I would FEEL better after my binge, even if my stomach hurt or feel guilty for eating all that food.  BUT I was satisfied and whatever those stresses I had before were temporarily gone and forgotten as I sat in a combination of food bliss and regret.

To fully explain those feelings I got when I binged is hard and may not make sense to someone who doesn’t have those ties.  But it is a form of addiction and has similar effects to your body.  Am I comparing myself to a heroin addict? Come on…of course not.  BUT, foods high in fat, sugar and salt (the ones I would normally binge on) are known to release and trigger those same “feel-good” chemicals in the brain that certain drugs do.  And then of course when the sugars and stuff wear off, you come down and don’t feel good about yourself so you eat more to feel better about yourself.

Even now, I think about binging nearly EVERY day.  Even as I write this, I think with a sense of comfort and happiness in eating a big plate of nachos and some cookies without care.  While I know now I shouldn’t do it as I have made so much progress, I still have a part of me that WANTS to do it. Every. Single. Day.  

When it comes to stress, some people write in a journal.  Some workout.  Some talk to a professional.  People have different ways of dealing with stress.  FOR nearly TWO decades MY way of dealing with stress is food.  And now THAT is gone.

I am no longer binging.  I have drastically reduced the amount of high sugar, fat, and salt I consume. So when I am stressed I have no release.  I am not saying food was a healthy release, but I have yet to figure out a way to release my stresses in a HEALTHY way and I think that is part of what is causing these feelings of unhappiness and anger. 

I have never dealt with my stress in a healthy way, but I would temporarily ignore it with something that gave me enjoyment.  Now, I am just not dealing with any of it.  I am holding it in until I literally explode at whoever is around me….usually my husband or son. 

As I am nearing the end of my first year journey to a healthier self, my new goals along with continued weight loss, is to figure out how to handle my stress and emotions in a healthy way.  That most likely will involve speaking to an actual professional which will also help with my OCD, which is worse than ever….but that is an entirely different post!!!

But that is also part of the reason I am a beachbody coach.  It is giving me the opportunity to find a more balanced and healthy lifestyle.  It is allowing me to connect with others and share my feelings and listen to theirs.  It is encouraging to work on myself physically AND mentally and leave the emotional ties to food out of the picture.

I still have a long way to go, but am getting closer.

So how do YOU deal with stress?  Emotional eating?

How are you helping YOU?!?!

Pushing Through the Negative to Find the Positive in Myself

So, my first round of the 21 Day Fix I did AMAZING!   I lost something like 9lbs and 18 inches in just 3 weeks!!! 

And while I have managed to keep it off, this second round I have barely lost anything.  Between birthdays, our anniversary, and a head cold that will NOT go away….my motivation has been lacking big time and I am falling back into some of my bad habits.

A bad habit isn’t always physical….meaning binge eating, not wanting to workout, eating junk as I watch TV.  Infact, my eating has stayed pretty consistent, a splurge here and there.  And I workout when I can and feel up to it.

But bad habits are also mental.

Yep, I am mental! 

See, it is more so the frame of mind I fall back into that really brings me down and can be SO hard to get out of.

I get down on myself and focus on the negative.

“How could you let yourself become 100lbs overweight?”

“You still have so far to go.”

“You don’t have time for yourself, you have a family to take care of.  There isn’t time for you.”

“You lost 30lbs and your smaller clothes still don’t fit, you are never going to do this.”

Those are just a few of the thoughts that run through my head.  Perhaps I am a bit dramatic.

But after YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS of dealing with my weight and thinking about weight. And food and binge eating. And what you think other people are thinking about you….it wears on you.  It is hard to break that way of rationalizing when things don’t “go your way”.

I was being all pitiful and mentioning this to a dear friend (also my beachbody coach) and she reminded me that I didn’t put this weight on all at once and it is going to take time to get it all off.  And that I can do this. 

I agreed and cherish how much support she gives me, but still stayed in this funk.

I read how well other people are doing in our challenge group and for a minute got mad….not at them, but at ME.  I kept thinking, that could be you Jenn and you didn’t give it your all.

Then my mom said this week she wanted to help me become a coach because I am doing so great and she wants to help so I can keep going.  I appreciated this beyond words, but of course I was like…well I haven’t done so great the past few weeks. (turned it to a negative)

Then today.  I was listening to this coach meeting and she said “You are more important than giving up.” 

I think, after a week of people telling me over and over what I was failing to hear and remember, I finally heard it ALL at one time.

It all resonated with me and sunk in.  (I know, takes me a bit longer!!)

You guys, my biggest obstacle in losing weight isn’t the amount of weight I need to lose or even if I can do it. 

It is ME. 

It is getting past these thoughts in my heading that are stopping me from moving forward.  These thoughts I have had for years and years.

It is remembering that I. AM. IMPORTANT. 

That this is going to take time. And be hard. And not always go my way and be frustrating BUT I can do this.  And that I have SO MUCH support around me right now if I just open up and accept it.

I CAN DO THIS.

I have to keep that in the back of my head.

I am worth it.

If I want to take care of my family and SHOW them how amazing eating whole foods is for your body and the benefits of working out, then I need to lead by example.

I need to get out of my head.

That may be my biggest challenge for me during this journey.  It is not easy.  Some people may be able to set their mind to something and just do it.  And in some ways I can.

But most of the time I am in my own head.

Questioning everything.

I realized early on this journey is far more than just losing weight.  There is so much more that has brought on this weight then just sitting on the couch and eating.  There are these mental blocks I need to push through.  I need to change up the way I think and view things.  I need to address WHY and HOW I got here and what is stopping me from moving forward.  The answer always come back to me.  I am stopping myself.

It is "funny" how that works, no?!

So today I am trying to refocus.  To take away the negative and focus on the positive.

“How could you let yourself become 100lbs overweight?”  It doesn’t matter how you got here, what matters is that YOU want to change and you CAN change.

“You still have so far to go.”  But you are closer today than you were yesterday!

“You don’t have time for yourself, you have a family to take care of.  There isn’t time for you.”  If you want to take care of your family you MUST take care of YOU first!  There is always time for YOU!

“You lost 30lbs and your smaller clothes still don’t fit, you are never going to do this.”  This will come, but it is more about how you FEEL right now!

I must get out of my head if I want to succeed. 

I am going to try to stay positive.

So, in an attempt to do this I have wrote down some of my thoughts and motivational quotes that I will repeat when I start getting down and falling back into my “bad habits”....

Run when you can, walk if you have to, crawl if you must but never EVER give up.

Focus on how far you have come and not how far you have to go.

When you feel like quitting, think about why you started.

I want to be a before and after. 

(This is something I keep saying to myself.  I want to have those before and after pictures that make people gasp....I want to show how much I have accomplished!)

Weight loss is not just a physical, but mental.

Don’t stop trying just because you have a hit a wall.  Progress is progress, no matter how small.  (This sounds very Dr. Seuss like….this pleases me)

This is a slow process.  Don’t make it slower by quitting.

I am WORTH this.  I CAN do this.  

YES.

I am worth it and YOU are worth.  We can do this.

What are some things you tell yourself to keep going?  



*I will becoming a beachbody coach in October.  If you are interested in more information, please let me know.  I want to help people just like they are helping me!!  I want to do this together!

21 Day Fix Review – My Life Is Changing

Ok, perhaps not a review, but more my thoughts on the 21 day fix.


I just completed Round 1 of the 21 Day Fix and I must say the past 21 Days have been truly life changing.

I know, that is a pretty powerful statement, but it is true.  And keep in mind this is coming from the girl who is a [past] binge eater, loves food, hates working out and has NEVER been able to stick with a diet.

But of course, this isn’t a diet.  This truly is a lifestyle change.

The past few weeks have been emotional, busy and I have been far from perfect with the program.  Good thing the program is not seeking perfection.

Did I work out every day?
Nope, but as many days as I could and FAR more than I have in the last 5 years. (maybe missed 4)

Did I ever “cheat” with my food? 
Yep, I may have had a couple bites of cake or a few bites of cheese dip one day.  But the majority of the time, I was spot on with my eating.  And actually loved what I was eating! (pics below)

But honestly, none of that matters to me anymore...the "did I follow everything exactly".  (Big change!)  I am not trying to feel guilty for my choices of working out or what I eat, because when I put the guilt with food, or any emotions for that matter, then that is when I eat poorly.  I am doing the best I can and focusing on all my healthy choices.

What matters to me now is HOW I FEEL.

Plain and simple. 

And eating whole foods and working out regularly makes me feel amazing….and I haven’t felt amazing in a long time in regards to my body.

I have waited a few days to write my recap because I wanted to see what I did after the program was done.  I didn’t want to check in with the group that is still open.  I didn’t want to plan.  I didn't want accountability.  I know it sounds weird or backwards, but I wanted to see what I DID, back in my “normal” life. Would I go back to my old ways or would I stay with it naturally.

As it turns out, I am naturally gravitating towards the healthy way of eating/living because it really does make me feel better.

Yes, I will admit, I haven’t worked out the past few days (and I notice it and am going back to it) and I have strayed from the meal plan a couple times, but folks I am actually craving that lifestyle.  I want my salads and containers of WHOLE food and packing it for lunch EVERY day.  I actually am still drinking coffee with raw sugar….YEAH, the girl who bitched and complained and cried, literally, about giving up her creamer is still drinking black coffee with raw sugar.

Boom.  Changed.

Yes, I had a piece of pizza Tuesday, but I had a huge salad with it. AND, I didn’t have four pieces of pizza like before.  I am learning to incorporate this into my life and make the healthier choices.  You know that "binge" mentality of not being able wanting to stop, being obsessed with eating as much as I can and if I can't I get mad.  Nope, I just wanted a taste.  I enjoyed the food, but I wasn’t obsessing over it like I have always done in the past.  Same when I had a few bites of a cake, that was enough.  I didn’t need a piece of cake and then another later that day.

To some this may not seem like a success.  But for an emotional binge eating, overweight, food obsessed person….it is HUGE.

This program has done far more for me than I ever expected.  I went into thinking, I really hope this helps me get over this plateau and lose weight and is the quick fix I need.  But instead, I came out feeling like it truly changed my life.

It changed how I feel.  I have more energy.  I feel healthier and not weighed down by the processed foods.

It changed my desire to workout.  I still dread working out simply because finding time to do it can be more of a challenge and is not ideal, but I know I can workout now.  I feel myself and see myself getting stronger.  I am doing moves I couldn’t do three weeks ago.  When I go a day without working out, I am excited ready to get back at it.

It changed how I look at food.  This may be the biggest.  Right now marks the healthiest relationship I have ever had with food.

Yep, that is worth repeating.

At 35, I have the healthiest relationship with food I have ever had.

I respect how the “right” foods can fuel my body and the wrong foods make me sluggish.  I am looking at portions differently.  I am cutting those emotional ties that I have towards food.  I am learning (yes still learning) the difference between my needs vs my wants.  And I am learning how to control my desire for those wants.   Now, I am not giving up all those “wants", no, we like those things in moderation.  But I am carefully choosing what I prefer to put in my body instead of putting it ALL in. The 90/10* rule folks...well, it may be more like 80/20 for me, but I am working on it.

Here is what I got to eat....still great food, but in the right amounts and HEALTHY/WHOLE foods.

It changed what I thought I was capable of doing.

It changed what I thought was healthy and what I now realize is healthy. 

It changed my body and my mind.

I am seeing myself for ME.  Something I have always struggled with.

Was this easy?  No.

Does the group help? YES.  They keep you accountable and are amazing!

Am I still learning? Of Course.

Do I still have a long way to go? Duh….but focusing on the NOW.

Does the program make sense? Yes.

Can I follow it and stick with it? You bet.

Can I do this for me?  Absolutely!!

I am currently down 9lbs and 18 inches (counting arms, chest, waist, hips, thighs and calves) in the past three weeks.

You guys.  That is 28lbs total since I started in January.

 (from January - August)

So with all that said, why do I say this is life changing? 

Because, this is my life and it needed changed and this is the program that is finally helping with that.

I am not just doing the 21 Day Fix to look great in bikini or tone up a bit (which are still great reasons to try it!).

But for me it is so much more.

It is about my health now and as I get older.

It is about my future.

It is about how I feel.

It is about no longer missing opportunities with my son because I am too embarrassed with the way I look to go somewhere or do something with him. (this one makes me cry all the time)

It is about no longer worrying if I will be able to fit in a seat or something, because of my weight.

It is about no longer not going places with my husband because I am embarrassed that he will be embarrassed (though that has never given me reason to think that, I still do because of my own insecurities).

It is about me not getting so angry with myself about the way I look and feel that I take it out on those around me.

It is about not feeling guilty when I eat, especially in public, and instead learning to appreciate food and feel comfortable eating so i don't want to hide and binge.

It is about so much more than just losing a few pounds.

It is about finally feeling LIKE ME and not this person “trapped” in this body.

So would I recommend this program? YES.

Is it tough? YES. But a good tough.

Is it worth it? Without a doubt.

Can YOU do this? YES!!  If I can, you can!

If you put in the work and time.  Plan your meals.  Workout. You will not only see results, but FEEL the results!!!

I will be starting my second round in September!!  The group dynamic is truly amazing...all about the accountability and probably the only way I got through this with the results I did!


What are YOUR thoughts of the Fix? Has it changed YOUR life yet?

.....

Other posts on the 21 Day Fix from me HERE and HERE.



I am at the point where in the next few months, I want to be a coach and continue my journey while also supporting those who are on a similar journey.  I want to inspire those who are in a similar place and have tried everything to lose weight and continue to BE inspired as I move forward with my weight loss journey.  I truly feel this is a program that can do that.

*90/10 Rule - if you eat healthy and workout 90% of the time, it allows for that other 10% of the time to have that leeway and enjoy those times where you do not follow the healthy eating.

Am I Hurting My Weight Loss by Eating TOO FEW Calories?!?!

So, I have mentioned the last couple months my weight loss has sorta plateaued.  I would aim to eat 1300-1400 calories during the week and 1400-1500.  On the weekends my calorie count really fluctuated higher and more like 1700-2000…because, honestly I was HUNGRY.

During the week I was tired and had no energy.  Many nights I would go to bed when Henry did because I was so tired.

I lost 24 pounds pretty quick, but as my weight loss stopped, I would get mad and eat even fewer calories and then it seemed like one day a week I would eat close to 2000.  This is still less than what I used to eat, especially when I had a binge.  But still, to eat 1250 calories for 3 days and then 2000 the next seemed to be causing issues and confusing my body more than actually helping it.

I started talking to friends and reading as much as I could about eating TOO FEW calories and the effects.

Everything I read stated things like this…

“When you diet aggressively and make drastic cuts in your daily calorie intake, your body panics, signaling starvation mode; this actually slows metabolism. The best way to diet effectively is to cut 100 calories from what you normally would eat.”

“The truth is that cutting calories below 1,050-1,200 per day is counterproductive, because you need strong muscles to be able to exercise effectively.”

"When you eat too few calories, you lose fat but also precious muscle, which is the worst thing you could do because it slows your metabolism and makes it more difficult to increase exercise intensity or duration,"

“It's one of the most frustrating realities of dieting—if you cut out too many calories, your metabolism thinks times are lean and puts the breaks on fat-burning to conserve energy…”

Well Damn.

Frustrating is right.

You eat too few calories and you don’t lose weight. Eat too many calories and gain weight.  Eat the wrong calories and you don’t lose weight.

CAN SOMEONE JUST TELL ME WHAT TO EAT AND HOW MUCH!!

No wonder celebrities pay for personal chefs.

But it explains a lot.  It explains why I was SO tired.  Why I always felt hungry.  Why on the weekends I would eat more, because my body is telling me I need to eat more.

And I am sure the back and forth of low low calories and then higher calories was not helping and confusing my body more.

So last week I decided to follow the calorie count that EVERY calorie calculator (even when I manual determine my calories based on good old fashioned math) told me.  For my height 5’11” and weight (a lot!) and being 35 it was NO WHERE CLOSE to 1300 calories.  Infact, that 1300 was closer to someone looking to lose 2 lbs a week who weighs 160 pounds….you know, my GOAL weight.

Sigh.

For me to lose approximately 2lbs a week (maybe a bit more), not working out, I am looking at 1600-1700.

So this is where I am now, 1650 calories.  Not even counting ANY exercise, which I will need to adjust accordingly. 

It hasn’t been quite a week, but I already FEEL better.  I have more energy.  I haven’t lost anything yet, but the fact I am not tired and not thinking about food all the time is a good start. 

I am going to try keeping my calories around here for a month and see what happens.  If I am still not losing weight it is off to a nutritionist to see what they suggest.

Some other tips I have found that I will be using this month:

Eat lots of vegetables to help you feel full.

Drink plenty of COLD water. (cold water kickstarts your metabolism)

Stay busy -- you don't want to eat just because you're bored.

Eat only from a plate, while seated at a table. No grazing in front of the 'fridge. (Guilty!)

Don't skip meals.

Eat every 3-4 hours.

Workout!!!

Eat a healthy breakfast within an hour of waking up.

My schedule will look something like this: (approximately*)

7-8 a.m.: Breakfast 250 [calories]

10 a.m.: Snack 200

1 p.m.: Lunch 350

3-4 p.m.: Snack 200

6-7 p.m.: Dinner 650

Avoid eating after 8:30

I am trying to incorporate at least 20-30 minutes of exercise into my schedule.  It has been hard…

Trying to workout...about 15 minutes into it.

…but I will keep trying!

I still like sweets, I like love bread, and chips with any sorta dip cannot be in the house at all. But I still want to eat those things I love and have no plans to give them up…. just eating them in moderation.  I have a near 4 year old I have to cook for who is semi-picky and a husband who prefers hardy foods so I am trying to find ways to make sure we all eat healthy without breaking the bank and cooking separate meetings for all three of us. 

I have learned a few tricks the past 6 months on my diet like buy things like healthy Life bread (35 calories a slice), air popcorn or skinny pop for snacks, and if we eat a higher calorie dinner like pasta or pizza I always include a very large salad.

So I am trying this all again.  Just like my first post on this journey where I said I feel motivated and refreshed…that is me now.  Again. 

"If I quit now, I will soon be back to where I started.  And when I started, I was desperately wishing to be where I am now."  

I have come way too far in my weight loss, my binge eating, the way I look at food to let this little bump in my journey stop me.  I am really hoping by increasing my calories to a more realistic calorie count, working out, and eating every few hours my body will get the kick it needs to start losing weight again!!!  So this may take me a little longer than I wanted, but what is important is that I get to where I want to be…right?!?!

*As I have mentioned before, I adjust depending on what I am eating for dinner.  I plan meals out at least weekly, but normally bi-weekly or a month at a time.