You hear it again and quickly sit up, knowing he is awake and his tears will soon follow and so will your morning...at 1:00am.
Luckily you have been through it before so you and your partner are on auto-pilot and just do what you need to do. There are tears (yet you remain strong) there is screaming and hitting (yet you remain calm) there is lack of sleep (yet you remain awake) and after a few hours he is back asleep and you are laying in bed and the emotions just come rushing out.
You think those words that make you feel so alone....
"It is just too much".
You are annoyed and mad and frustrated and sad and feel helpless.
Now this...on top of everything else going on and everything I have been feeling. Now my son is sick. Now I worry more than I normally do about him. (Which is already a lot!)
BUT...you have been trying to be better. Be positive. Have perspective.
So you acknowledge the fact that you remained calmed and where a good mom and your little boy is comfortably back to sleep and you shouldn't be so hard on yourself...and soon you head back to dreamland for a couple hours.
Now, there is a point....just a little longer folks.
A little while later I am sitting at lunch, surprisingly not as tired as I thought I would be on just a few hours of sleep.
I want something mindless so I go to people.com and skim past all the BS (I don't care about Miley and her costume, People.com!!!) and I see this story. A real story. I story worth writing and reading. HERE.
It is about these two who were dating in college when a horrible accident happened, leaving her boyfriend with traumatic brain injury. They had only been dating 10 months and she could have left him knowing that the dreams she had may never be met. But she stayed. And they got married a few years later. There is a video...it is sweet.
I normally just skim quickly though these stories, but something drew me in. Made me read and read again. And then I noticed she had a blog and I clicked on it. This selfless person had my curiosity. Something made me want to read more about her story...folks, I never read more about these stories and am always just on to the next.
But I clicked and the first thing that caught my eye wasn't the first blog post but I blog entitled "For the days That Are Too Much". HERE.
You have my attention.
It was a short blog and I read these words and instantly my eyes teared up (part of post below):
These are the days that feel like too much, that this isn't what I asked for because stress brought from the little just reminds me of the bigger losses I have.
But then there are the sweet gifts, like the new book in the mail that will show me god. The three hours by the fire with a girlfriend and his smile when I come into the room late.
The fire and the conversation with her and the staying up late with him is worth it. Because those are the moments where I get to live and breathe.
Those are the moments where I see God filling me up, filling my emptiness.
I NEEDED to hear this. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this.
It is more than my child getting sick. So much more. Nothing horrible, we are all OK and in good health. Infact, this post isn't intended to say "i am sorry Jenn I hope you feel better", it is sort of the opposite as it is encouraging me to stay strong.
But I think we can all agree we go through ups and downs. Life gets tough. There are stresses. There are things we could never in a million years plan for (good and bad). Feelings we hate feeling. Days we are not at our best. Moments we question our self. Times we just want to curl up in a ball and fade away into a different place in our mind...even just for a moment. Days where it just feels too much.
And what do we do during these times? We focus on all that is going wrong. All the bad we feel. All that we cannot change but want to. All that makes us feel even more alone and like we are not good enough. All that makes us want to yell and scream and cry. (Which those are our feelings and it it OK until it is not OK.) And soon we find we are lost and trying to figure out how to get back. How to gain perspective. How to be ME again.
What I am realizing, though, is just when you feel alone and you don't know how you are ever going to get better and find yourself......you find it.
Reassurance that you are not alone.
Something truly inspiring. Something that makes you feel better. Something that gives you hope and confidence. Someone who makes you open up and talk about what is wrong so that you can BE better.
As many times as I may question it, sometimes I think the universe really does have your back. Sending you a friend at just the right moment to talk to or making you click a link you would normally just overlook or giving you a confidant you can share anything with without feeling judged or wrong in your feelings.
Reminding you that you are NOT alone. That others struggle and overcome and you can too. That even though we all feel down sometimes, there is SO much to live for and be happy about.
It gave me perspective.
And while I know I have more to figure out and further to go with feeling better; admitting, opening up and remaining positive are key. Just taking it one day at a time and just TRYING each day to be better and knowing it is OK to have bad days as long as there are also plenty of good ones.
Yeah, i got ALL that from the post. You may not, but I did. It may not make sense to you, but it does to me. And I need to remember that I did gain some perspective from this post. You know, for that time in the future (and there will be a time) where I need to be reminded of this again.
I needed to hear this today and I KNOW there are others who may possibly need to hear this too. So I am sending this back into the universe in hopes it finds those who are also having a rough day, week, month, year or just feeling lost and need a little perspective or just want to read a good love story to put a smile on their face!
A simple and inspiring story about love and hardship and dedication and persevering through those struggles. A reminder that no matter how tough it may seem and when you just feel it is too much that sometimes right around the corner there are those moments that give us hope, make us feel loved, and remind us we are not alone....no matter what we are going through.