I know this weekend you will be moving in with us - sucker. I will admit that I am very excited but I think it is only fair that I give you some words of advice, bits of knowledge before you move in about this transition and what to expect. Please consider all that I am about to say to you as your only warning.
1) First, I want to say we are not your parents and we want you to enjoy your college experience exactly like you would if you were living with your friends. Of course we (I mean, I) do expect you to do whatever we (once again, I) say.
2) Rent is due the first of the month. We WILL make you sleep in the basement if rent is not paid on time. And for every day late it is we will add on a $50 service charge. Oh, we would also like our $1200 non-refundable deposit paid by this weekend. We will take cash, all in $20’s.
3) I hope you realize this is your home now too and that you should feel comfortable to do what you want. Of course I use the phrase “do what you want” loosely…I really mean if you want to do something in our house ask us first and then it is up to our discretion on what we will allow you to do. Chances are we will say no to everything that does not benefit us.
4) If you would like to invite anyone over please make sure you fill out the Request to Have House Guests Form, which will be located in the basement next to the washer and dryer (don’t worry, you will become very familiar with this area and will be down there frequently). We will need three weeks notice for a request as well as a $20 non-refundable transaction fee. The fee is due when you turn in the RTHHG form. We welcome your friends, however I don’t see how you will have time to have a social life with all the stuff you will be doing for us (me).
5) Please be aware that Terry likes to walk around in the nude. To avoid any uncomfortable moments please make sure that before you enter a room you yell 3 times “Kristen is entering the room. Please lock and load any loose valuables.” You will either get an all clear from Terry at which time you may enter, or if there is no response it really is at that point a “enter at your own risk” scenario.
6) We do like to use the bathroom facility and leave the door open. Please follow the rules for #4 when walking near one of the bathrooms. Also, it would be in your best interest to keep away from these “danger” areas as we call them if you know T is taking care of business, as the toxic waste radiating out could smell very bad and bring tears to your eyes. People have also been known to pass out.
7) Any therapy you may incur due to your stay with us is not covered under our lease. Sorry for any inconvenience if you go crazy but honestly, maybe you should have thought out this living situation earlier.
8) Please do not eat the food T&I buy from the store, but if you have anything that looks good you will have to share with us & any of our friends.
9) There will be a chore board for the entire house. You are expected to complete ALL chores in a timely fashion. If there is a problem completing all the chores then let us know and we would be happy to sit down with you and talk about your time management skills….or lack there of.
10) The cats pretty much can do what they want in the house. If they want in your room - let them. If they drink out of your water cup - then you shouldn’t have left it unattended. If they want to meow all night and annoy us - we will lock them in your room. On the hierarchy list, they are above you.
So now that the formalities are out of the way I am sure we will have a blast living together!!! It should be fun, right?!?! You excited!!