Is My Husband Trying to Kill Me?!

Ok, for the record I am very certain my husband is not trying to kill me, however I would not be surprised if he is trying subconsciously to have me take off a few appendages.


Last week Terry came home with a “present” for me. It was a rather large pocket knife. What I have always wanted. When it is out in its full glory it is about an 8 1/2” long & 1” wide (hey oooooooh) pocket knife that on the handle also has one of those knobby things (technical terminology) that breaks through your car windows. He said he got it for me for my safety, which I would agree with if it wasn’t for the fact that I am incredibly clumsy. Seriously, my parents call me Grace and it is actually pronounced with a hint of sarcasm over the long A and prefaced with “way to go”. So because my husband knows I absolutely can NOT walk down a hall without at least bouncing off one of the walls or objects in the hall along the way, I don’t see how he can even think for a moment that giving me a knife is a good thing. Well unless of course he wants me to take off a few un-needed appendages.

Example. Sunday I went to Rite Aid to pick up a few things for the house. While there I found a cute headband and decided to purchase said headband. When I got in the car I noticed the headband was tied to a cardboard holder with industrial strength, government approved, Area 51 tested plastic. There was no getting this headband free with my weak little hands. But wait, I have a knife in my car….let me use that. Now before we go further and to remove any unnecessary suspense…yes I have all my fingers & toes and no blood was drawn.

So, I easily opened my knife and sawed my way through the packaging and was very proud that I didn’t hurt myself…..but figuring out how to close the knife was where things got tricky. I first tried to just bend it down – nope. Tried squeezing parts of the knife thinking it would unlock it – nope. Pushed anything that looked like a button on the knife and handle – nope. Tried hitting the back of the knife on the floor of my car thinking I just needed more force – nope. Seriously, I sat there for 5 minutes thinking what the hell I should do with this knife all awhile envisioning the many ways I could cut off a finger or stab myself in my attempts to close this knife. For a brief moment I thought I would drive with the knife open and let Terry close it at home, but as quickly as that thought came into my head so did the thought that I would slam on my brakes while driving and the knife would wiggle its way out from under my purse, fly in the air, and stab me. So I quickly nixed that idea for very obvious safety reasons. I also wondered if I could try to see if someone could help me, but was afraid that a suspicious looking girl with a knife might yield a scared response and not the helpful one I was looking for. And I didn’t want to call Terry, because honestly I didn’t want to let him know I was on to his plan….it is just better that way.

So I sat in my car in the Rite-Aid parking lot just looking at this knife (in the most inconspicuous way possible of course) trying to figure out how the hell to close this damn thing. And then I see it. At the base of the blade this little piece of metal I can push in WITH MY FINGER to release the lock and then push the blade down at the same time with my other hand just like a  little finger guillotine. Riiiiight. Tricky and again just another attempt for T. to get me to chop off my fingers. But alas, I got it closed and safely put away with absolutely no bloodshed. IN YOUR FACE TERRY!

I feel more comfortable with my knife at the moment, and by more comfortable I mean comfortable for someone who is clumsy, doesn’t like weapons and is pretty certain that I will one day draw blood but not actually cut off an entire finger with this knife. My husband also wants me to take gun classes so in a year when he moves away to school I will be safe…..riiiiiight again. I think instead of gun classes I am going to start with the ancient art of Karate and just get me some nunchucks instead.  I can just practice that on the Wii.

Ok, so maybe he isn’t technically trying to hurt me either….but come on it does seem just a little suspicious.


P.S. Looked....I blogged! Seriously it has been over a month!