Since we have to exist in this world together and since it is impossible to keep you out of our house I would like to suggest that we come to some sort of living arrangement. So may I propose the following?
That when you are in our house that you stay out of and away from items we use regularly, such as towels, wash cloths, blankets, near any food related items, or the inside of toilet paper rolls, and rather stick to places we do not frequent like vents, behind the stove/refrigerator, or in the back corners of the basement. I know the house isn’t that big but considering your size our house is like a state to you. Therefore, I believe that you should be able to find plenty of small nooks and crannies to settle down in without having to invade our main living space.
What is in it for you? Well for starters I won’t kill you or let my cat kill you making your already incredibly short life even that much shorter. Um, do you really need more of a reason than that?!
I know that we need to cohabitate and I know God put you on this earth for a purpose and I respect that. And believe me, I do not like killing one of God’s creatures (mainly because it is just gross), no matter if you have a ridiculous amount of legs or you are gross looking or you just freak me out even though you are smaller than a quarter. But when I am taking a shower and reach for my wash cloth and you come crawling out of it, or if it is 3 in the morning and I am half asleep and go to the bathroom and you are hanging on the toilet paper roll and catch me off guard I have to say that I will NOT think twice about crushing you. At that point it is just self defense.
In summary, stop scaring me and stay away from me and the things I use in my house and stick to the dark yucky places and then we won’t have to kill you. I really think this could work and I know you will do the right thing.
P.S. Belle wanted me to tell you that she 100% disagrees with this letter and is mad that I wrote it because she actually enjoys when you come out and visit as it gives her something to do.