Back in February I watched the HBO Beyonce special “Lifeis but a Dream”.
I watched it out of curiosity more than anything. I also watched it during Henry’s nap and when Terry was at work because T. would tease me if I watched it while he was home. While I was half watching and half messing around with folding clothes, something she said caught my attention and made me rewind and listen again.
It was something, I think I needed to hear and was open to hearing at that moment because I wasn’t thinking about it. It was something that made me think about myself and beliefs and made me start to cry.
Yeah, I know….what is wrong with me?! I could have been on my period and that would probably explain the extreme emotion.
But basically Beyonce said the following [not exact, but close] “God is real and lives inside me, inside all of us. It doesn’t matter where I am, I feel it. Right now I feel it, I am hot/tingle. It’s that love and I feel it when I look at my child, at my husband. It’s God.”
Let me backtrack for a moment….
First, I have gone back and forth about writing this post. For one, it is maybe something that no one else really cares to read. Sometimes with blogs we want to step away from reality and want it to be light….not something deeper. But then again, as I have found more often than not, we are a community of friends and peers and sharing these things can actually be of comfort to others, or perhaps someone feels the same and it allows you to talk about it and explore your feelings and not keep it in. Plus, even if no one reads this post or responds, sometimes just writing things down and keeping it to read when you need to read it is truly valuable.
Also, with the events of recent….it does make you questions things more and think about death.
So here we go,
I have been afraid of death for a long time; really I think it is a fear of the unknown. What happens when we die? Where do we go? Are we aware of ourselves and the world as it exists now? Do we see loved ones that die? Will we see family that dies after us? Or do we just cease to exist?
Yeah, I know….
There are about a dozen other long blog posts with a 100 more questions that I could write concerning religion and my thoughts and beliefs, but that is not what this post is about.
But these thoughts I had/have, really picked up after I had Henry. So much so, that I think it is a part of the blame for my sad feeling the past year or so. I saw this beautiful being in front of me that my husband and I created and there was NO WAY I could question God’s existence when something SO AMAZING was in my arms. How could I?! Sure there is science involved, but this child…OUR child was always meant to be ours and could not be explained by science alone….there was SO much more to him, and so much more I felt when I held him and looked into his eyes. It was far bigger than anything I could ever grasp to understand.
However, because I could now see the work of God infront of me, I had no choice to start asking these questions over and over again. Why, because now I had proof God existed but had more questions than ever before. I struggled with rationalizing answers. I talked to Terry about religion all the time and some things comforted me and others just brought on more and more questions.
The fact is, like most people, I don’t want to die. I don’t want to leave Henry and I for sure don’t want anything to happen to Henry. It is just part of human nature for all of us to feel like this. Of course I wouldn’t have wanted to die before I had Henry, but when you are holding a piece of you, a tiny miracle….well then you never want to let that go. I kept constantly trying to rationalize the whole “what really happens when you die” idea instead of just having faith and living in the moment. All these thoughts regarding religion, God, afterlife; just circle in my head.
So, back to Beyonce.
For whatever reason, when Beyonce said the following “God is real and lives inside me, inside all of us. It doesn’t matter where I am, I feel it. Right now I feel it, I am hot/tingle. It’s that love and I feel it when I look at my child, at my husband. It’s God.” It gave me some comfort….which is SO weird!
It is nothing revolutionary or these profound words….it is freak’n Beyonce for crying out loud, not Gandhi!!! So I do feel a bit ridiculous. It was just one of those “ahhhh” moments….and then I watched her shake her ass and realized I need to work out.
And I am not saying that these questions and feelings will or have stopped, I think the fear of the unknown is just something we all think about to some degree. The difference being, while some people embrace and accept it, I think about it way too much and fear it. I focus on God as this physical being that I need to comprehend instead of a feeling, love, and something that is a part of all of us. But as she was talking I started thinking that I can take comfort in knowing God is in all of us. And I truly do see it EVERY time I look at my son.
And perhaps I need to stop fearing the unknown and embrace the here and now because God is ALL around us, if we just open our eyes to him. It can be hard to see that, especially with so much sadness and hate in this world….but maybe that is what he wants from us, to see HIM where others fail too, to see him in the good and actions of others when bad things happen. Perhaps I am not suppose to rationalize and understand what happens when we die and instead just appreciate the here and now and what is infront of me.
And believe me; I have heard all this many times before, I mean I am catholic and went to catholic school and so it is not like it really is that new of a revelation to me! But I don’t think it ever rang true until this point in my life….the point when I needed to hear it, I was open to hear it, and I actually listened and took it in.
Do you ever get that? You hear something and inside know it to be true, but it doesn’t actually click.
I still question the Church and death, but am trying to focus on the big picture. Finding a balance in myself, mentally, physically and spiritually. Not fearing the unknown and death, though I am not sure I will ever fully embrace it either, but not being scared at what happens after we die SO MUCH that I lose site of the present and it hinders me to fully BE in the present.
I NEED TO BE IN THE PRESENT and not worry so much about the unknown.
I NEED some spiritual relationship and a balance of my physical and mental well-being.
I NEED to breathe and just be and when I need God, I need to just look into myself or others.
Any day could be my last and I have to come to terms with that and just make the most of every single day I have on this earth. I have to make the most with the PEOPLE I love and care about. I need to stop pushing myself away because of my fears and start embracing ever single moment, even those that make me uncomfortable.
So yeah…it was that. That was my “revelation” from Beyonce.
Well that and that the girl can shake her ass like no other and I want to have her body and hair because they are amazing. But the first was a bit more profound ;-)