Tuesday, December 02, 2008

“Well if you don’t want our kids you don’t get us.”

So once again I should probably preface this post by saying that T & I do not have kids and maybe my thoughts are skewed a bit when it comes to what happens to a person once they have a child. Though I will say that I hope I am not SO wrapped up in my child that I forget about how important it is to spend grown up time away from my kids and with my husband and friends.

So here it is. When Terry and I got married we made the decision to not have young kids at our wedding. We had some teenagers there, but decided that we wanted to have an evening where there were no worries about what kids were doing or not being able to dance because of kids (we have been to those weddings) or worrying about the open bar or having to walk around running kids. We wanted people & parents to have a nice and fun night out for a few hours and many of our friends at the time did not have kids anyways, so this decision only affected a small group of people. So when my cousin & his wife said “well if you don’t want our kids you don’t get us” it caught us a bit off guard. Our intention was not to offend anyone, it was just our choice because it was OUR wedding.

So over the past two years many of our friends have started to have kids. Though this isn’t a part of life we are ready for at the moment, we love our friend’s kids very much and think it is fantastic. We even understand that things change and know we may not be able to do certain things with our friends like go to the bars on the weekend, have spontaneous nights out to dinner, or long nights of Euchre and wine like we use to be able to do. But I will admit...we really miss these things.

Now I know some people who have kids say, well we have kids now and you need to be respectful of that, my priorities have changed. (I have been told this) But in turn, I feel that just because we choose to NOT have kids people need to be respectful of that decision as well. I feel as though we are looked at as outsiders when we are with some of these people because we are not in their little “we have kids” group (as they call it).

So, we wanted to have a Christmas party this month. We told a few of our friends who have kids about the party but that it was for adults only. We explained why in a nice way not to hurt feelings....like I guess we did at our wedding. It has been 2 years since our wedding and this is the FIRST time we have asked to do something sans kids. A couple loved it and were excited for a night with the adults. However others were not so open to this decision we had made and said they will not be able to attend. They did not even say we will have to see, it was flat out we will not be there without a second thought. I feel bad they won't be there, I really do, but I don’t feel that I was wrong in saying that it is an adult only party. For one, our house is NOT child proof at all. Marble tables with hard edges, open electrical outlets because we are remodeling rooms, an open door to the basement so the cats can get to their box, cords everywhere, tons of collectible and breakable stuff…I could go on. Our house is just not safe. Plus, our house is not big and when you add a bunch of people and a bunch of kids it leaves little space. And plus, if those were not the most logical reasons, we would like one day…..just one flipp’n day alone with our friends and not their kids. We want to talk about grown up things with them again and not about teething, what food the child eats, if they are walking, who walked first, and so on….we listen to that all the time and we don’t mind because we love our friends and their kids. But just to have ONE night a year where we can have fun without the worries of kids and talk about the things in OUR life as well that are not related to kids would be fantastic. I really do not think that is too much to ask AT ALL. Infact, I am honestly a bit hurt by the whole thing in that it seems they don't even want to make an effort to be with us.

I think we just feel out numbered at times and like we don't really know what it is like to be in their "situation". Maybe I am wrong and so I know many of you have kids and this is why I ask these questions. Is it wrong of us to say no kids to something we do once a year? Is it wrong of us to ask our friends to spend time with us without their kids, even if it was more then once a year? Isn't it healthy to take even a couple hours away from your kid and work on your marriage and friendships by being with other people? Any thoughts on this?


  1. i don't have kids. and i won't say much, except that it's not too much to ask (considering the state of your not childproof house alone) to have an adult Christmas party.

  2. I, too, do not have kids. Obviously. I am biased, yes, because this involves you and Terry. But as a third party, I think it is perfectly reasonable to not want kids to this event.

    First, a couple of your friends come over to your house at least once a week and typically every week. They have a child. You have not once told them that they cannot bring their son. Moreover, you have friends that live 100 feet away. Although they have not been over in awhile, they have stopped by unexpectedly with their kid. You have not complained.

    Second, this is your party. At your house. And the only expense that your friends are asked to spend is the gas to drive over to your place. You are providing the food. You are providing the drinks. I think that you should be able to have a night, for a few hours, without the children.

    Third, many of the children are over one year old. Kids should be fine with babysitters after one year old.

    All in all, I don't think you're asking too much. I understand that parents want to be with their kids to make sure they are safe. But it is unhealthy for your life to surround itself around one thing. One night is not too much to ask.

  3. I as not currently having kids, do not think that you are in the wrong. Is it really the right environment to bring kids with a bunch of adults drinking? A. has made the statement that we are going to get a babysitter and go out alone once in awhile, once our child is old enough. I think your friends are being immature.

  4. You have every right to exclude children from events like YOUR wedding or YOUR party. I have a kid, and I have hosted parties or organized get-togethers with an explicit NO KIDS rule. We have also been invited to events with that same rule. If we feel like a night with grown-ups and can find a sitter, we go. If we don't feel like leaving Rhys with a sitter, or we can't find one, we don't go--but we don't make a big deal about it. I, personally, would have no desire to bring my child to an event where adults are drinking and trying to relax and socialize. It's unfair to the adults and the kids.

    I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

  5. Parents who won't leave the house for a party sans kids need to GET OVER THEMSELVES! Hello?! I'd JUMP at the chance to be invited to an adults only party because then I'd have an excuse to get all gussied up and have a date with my husband, without being worried about screaming kids and who has or has not gone poop in their pants. Are your friends' kids young - still babies?? That might play a part in it. I don't know though - since my girls were little bitty things I've always been open to leaving them at home (with a babysitter of course) and having some fun. It's HEALTHY.

    I do have a friend who refuses to leave the house without her children. I've asked her to do things with me - just me and her - and she won't do it. I think that's sad, because everyone needs a little adult time. Because she's with her kids 24-7 (she stays at home) she's often-times burned out and complaining about it. Our relationship has suffered because of it and I rarely ask her to do things anymore. So you see, you'll get pushback about this issue whether you have kids or not! Just stick to your guns and do what YOU want.

    And by the way, if we lived closer, I would SO be inviting ourselves to your party! :)

  6. yes, it's absolutely OK to have a no-kids party!!! it's your party!

    most parents i know would JUMP at the chance to leave the kids w/ a babysitter and go to an "adult only" party! seriously...sometimes you must get away from the little ones.

  7. What if they don't bring their kid but they want to bring their pet? Is that ok? :)

    No, you're not being unreasonable. It's your party and you should be the only one crying if you want to.

    It just stinks that you'll have to wait until the next baby shower to see some of your friends.

  8. Pets are always welcomed!

    They ARE young, yes. And B. they are immature as well. It was just the shock that the two times we said no kids, big deals were made out of it by parents. I didn't really think it would be a problem, but after the reactions I thought maybe I was being unreasonable in my request. It is good to see that isn't really the case.

    And you know, it is frustrating b/c we DO go to everything for their kids. Every shower, birthday, confirmation, party they have we are there...and yet we do something and we get a big ol' hell no.

    Ok, next question. Is it wrong to not invite people who are shorter then 5.5, or with red hair, or who like Rod Stewart music? Nope, I don't think this is too much to ask either. ;)

  9. W.K. - I'm clearly a bit late in chiming in but I'd like to write a loud and resounding, "It's TOTALLY OK TO HAVE A NO-KIDS PARTY." Seriously.

    Now, if you're sticking to the under 5 ft. 5 inch rule, it appears that I wouldn't be able to legally attend. And, I don't know how it happened, but I do have Rod Stewart's greatest hits on my iTunes.

  10. I'm even later...

    I agree... why would you WANT your kids at a party that is intended for adults? The ONLY time I get pissed off at Athena being excluded is when a particular duo in my family makes a HUGE deal about wanting to do something as a whole family, then when I say "Great! Athena will love it!" and they say she's not included. That's NOT the whole family, dude... then the following day I was uninvited.