*insert heavy sigh*
I have been trying to write this post for a long time. There is so much I have wanted to write down, for my own record, about him turning one and this first year. From all of his firsts, to what he loves now, to how I feel about the first year coming to an end, to how much this little one has changed my life. The problem is I just keep writing and writing about this first year because, well, what a year it has been.
You see, this has been a year full of different emotions and experiences. Some of which have been truly wonderful and yet others have really pushed me in different ways. Because of this it has been hard for me to capture in words all the emotions associated with this first year because there are just so many, including some that I haven't been proud of.
The thing is that even though you have 9 months to prepare, you are never prepared for all that comes with having a kid. I know, it is such a cliché thing to say and yet so true. One day it is just you and your husband and then in one magical moment you have this tiny little stranger, whom oddly enough you already love unconditionally, come into your life. This little person requires 100% of your attention, love, affection, patience, and just your overall being. You don’t even really know this little person, you are but strangers, and yet you know you would do absolutely anything for them and you push yourself to places emotionally you never realized you would go for another person.
And while you always know you will do ANYTHING for this person, you have some days where you wonder how you will get through, days where you just feel like you can’t give anymore, and days where you wonder if you are going to give up.
Yeah, some first birthday post Jenn.
But friends, in those moments….the moments that people hardly share, the ones that challenge you as a person, a wife, and a mother. It is there where you find out just how much love you really have to give to this little part of you. Your child.
In those moments where you are crying and wondering if you can keep going, you look into the eyes of this amazing little miracle that you and your husband created together that is totally dependent on you, and you know that you will never give up because you know this love is so strong and the kind of love you are physically unable to give up. These are the moments that make you not only stronger but make that love even stronger. It is when this little person learns that he can always count on you to be there for him, no matter what. And it is when you learn just what you are capable of as a parent and how far you will go for this tiny person and just how much love you really have to give.
As I said, this first year has been bit challenging at times for me (and I know going into the second year will be no different)…..but it has also been THE MOST AMAZING year of my life. Any frustrations I feel along the way are worth it 100 times over, just to feel this kind of love and to see the way my son looks at me. Oh to see him look at me. *sigh* I feel privileged to be a part of HIS life.
Looking back I no longer see a tiny little stranger that I held in my arms those first few months but this little boy who is developing his own personality and who has managed to change me forever. He feels like he was always suppose to be OURS....and to imagine life without him is impossible. And while I am sad to see this year come to an end, I am also looking forward to see just how much more he will grow and continue to amaze me in this next year. Before becoming his mother I didn’t realize that you could love someone the way I love Henry and I also didn’t realize that this love just grows and grows over time. In the coming year I am excited to see myself grow into this humbling role of a mother and to see just how much more love I have to give.
My dearest son. I love you more than any words could ever express and I feel so blessed to have you in our life. I am sorry for any times I may not have been at my best as your mother, but I can promise you that not a second has gone by that I didn't love you with all my being and that I will always strive to be the best mom I can be for you. I guarantee we will both have days where things aren't perfect, but know that I will never EVER give up on us.
First year video HERE. (For some reason it won't let me insert it into the blog)
I have sung this song to Henry many nights and have sat crying to it many more nights. It just speaks to me and everything I have gone through this year, so I only felt it appropriate to make some totally sentimental video montage to the song. Of course I did. Now excuse me while I go cry.....again.
**I have pictures from his birthday coming later this week after we go to the doctor for his 12 month visit and get his latest "stats". But overall his birthday was wonderful and I can't believe I now have a ONE year old!!