*Please note: These are
my personal thoughts/opinions. Your thoughts and opinions on
breastfeeding may be different based on your experiences. Please feel
free to share your thoughts on breastfeeding but be respectful of others
thoughts as this is not a debate, simply a new moms experience thus far.
Looooooooong post. I haven’t been around too many adults lately,
so please forgive me for wanting to talk!
Picture this.
A new mom who just held
her baby for the first time.
She has been up since 7
am the previous day with very little sleep during her hospital stay. She
has been pumped with fluids and medicines and her hormones are all over the
place. She has been in labor since 6:30 am and that evening she was cut
open in front of a bunch of strangers and at 8:46pm she got to hear and quickly
see her son for the very first time. She was then “put back together” and
finally got to hold her son for the very first time 40 minutes later. She
is filled with so many emotions and is trying to take it all in as this tiny
little miracle cuddles up against her skin and while nurses and doctor still
poke and fuss around to make sure both mom and baby are ok. Family want
to see this precious life and everyone is just overjoyed during this time while
mom is trying to take in what has just happened.
Then, amongst all this,
someone comes in to see if you can feed your baby. Your boobs are out and
being manhandled but it is all to no avail as your son won’t latch. Tears
fill her eyes and at that moment this new mom has no idea what to do and how to
provide her son with the one thing he needs. She is being told by
different people what to do but all she feels is overwhelmed by something as
simple as feeding her son.
This is how I got
introduced to breastfeeding and honestly, it left me feeling so overwhelmed and
completely discouraged about the entire thing.
Up until this point I had
always thought, or assumed, breastfeeding was easy. Why did I think this
you ask? Well because that is how it is made to look. I read a
little bit about breastfeeding and from what I read the baby will know what to
do. I had heard from people (including my Doctors) that breastfeeding is
wonderful and an easy way to feed your little one and such a great way to bond
with your child. I even watched a couple videos on breastfeeding and it
looked easy! (In retrospect I think the children in the videos were at least 4
months, no way they were showing a newborn trying to eat….because it is
hard!) Because of all this, it always
seemed like breastfeeding would be the “easy” part of all of this new baby
stuff.
Boy was I wrong and
totally unprepared.
I will say it.
Breastfeeding is HARD. It is painful. It is frustrating. And
it is not something every child (or mother) easily gets.
I will also say this, and
it may very well be an unpopular opinion, but 7 weeks in and I am not a fan of
breastfeeding…at least not 100%.
First off, IN MY OPINION,
I feel that breastfeeding advocates (such as nurses, doctors, baby websites)
are so focused on encouraging breastfeeding and all the benefits of
breastfeeding that they play down how frustrating it can be at first. I
can only assume that it is because maybe if they talk about the negative people
may not want to breastfeed….especially a new, tired and emotional mother.
But in the research I did, I did not see a lot about how hard it can be.
Sure, they mentioned issues but the way that they talked about how easily these
issues can be resolved made me think that I had nothing to worry about. Put baby to boob; let him/her eat until
finished. If the baby isn’t latching
properly, just keep trying and he will. UH…OK?!
So the frustration I felt
begged the emotionally charged questions from a new mom. “What am I doing
wrong?! What is wrong with me?! Why
can’t I do this?!” Which are all
questions a new mother should not have to feel or ask…..though I am learning
are very common questions in all aspects of child raising.
Now, had I known that
breastfeeding could be hard would I have chosen to not breastfeed? Absolutely
NOT. I would have still given it a try. But as an already stressed
mom I would have been a little more mentally prepared and not so shocked by the
process and confused by what I was doing wrong and why I couldn’t get it.
So like I was saying,
Henry didn’t latch properly right away. We ended up having to use a
nipple shield to help him latch. I was actually not stressed about that at
first and it made sense as the lactation consultant said it was like nipple
training wheels and in a week he should be fine. Of course a tiny little new
person may need a little help at first….that makes sense!
But to try to get him to
latch and suck properly was a constant struggle from day 1. We found out
early on he was tongue tied, which made it harder for him to latch properly as
he couldn’t reach his tongue out far enough to fully get around the breast.
(And boy do I gots some breasts for him to get around!) He would get
frustrated because he couldn’t latch properly and couldn’t suck properly.
I would get frustrated because, well I had NO idea what the hell I was doing
and couldn’t feed my child in the most efficient way. I felt horrible
because I couldn’t feed him correctly and I was in pain as he would just suck
and suck my nipple to try to get food. After a few days he was drawing
blood and not producing enough wet diapers in a day so that is when I decided
to pump milk for him so he could eat. Of course our little piggy loved
it. Honestly, I was willing to ignore the pain I was in when I fed him IF
it meant he was eating well and taking to breastfeeding. But he wasn’t.
Shortly after that we got
his tongue clipped and we attempted breastfeeding again. He wouldn’t
latch properly so we used the nipple shield and went to a lactation consultant
(who was great, and took so much time to work with us and giving us advice but
it still didn’t work for Henry and I). He would take forever to eat and
never seemed satisfied or he would also fall asleep on the boob; I mean he had
to work so damn hard for food and it took so long to eat I could see why!
And we both got frustrated with the nipple shield as it would fall off and I
would have to put it back on with a hungry and frustrated rooting baby trying
to find the nipple. We would feed him
bottles, but every day I would try to breastfeed. The lactation
consultant called him a lazy eater and said he was now use to a bottle and I
should stop the bottle and just feed him for as much and as long as I could for
a few days to get him use to breastfeeding. I, on the other hand, being
at home by myself after those first 2 weeks could not physically or mentally
just feed him ALL DAY LONG and was not willing to give up the bottle. Was
that selfish? On the contrary…..it was best for BOTH of us. He got
to eat and rest at regular times and I had my sanity.
However, feeding him on a
bottle meant I had to get up every few hours and feed him, put him to sleep,
and then pump. It was daunting. A nighttime feeding that should
last 30 minutes would last an hour or sometimes more if he was fussy. And then an hour later it was time to do it
again. There were many nights I would
cry as all I wanted to do was sleep and not have to get milk for Henry.
Then amongst the
frustration we find out he has reflux. For a week, nothing could soothe
him except constant sucking. The nipple shield became an ubber pain in
the ass because he would just want to suck and suck and it hurt so much and
wouldn’t calm him down. After week 3 we got him on reflux medicine and
his temperament changed drastically. Bottle feeding was great because we
could monitor how much he ate plus keep him upright to help with his
reflux.
At this point I still had
frustration with breastfeeding but it was mainly coupled with my exhaustion,
getting use to taking care of this new little life, and not being able to
properly feed him using the breast (I was seriously determined to nurse him,
particularly at night). But I didn’t
HATE breastfeeding at this point and though I didn’t like it I was still thought
I should try it because that is what the nurses and my doctor said was best.
And then amongst the
reflux, inability for him to latch, the lack of sleep…..my supply began to
decrease. *sigh* I would go 5 – 7
hours between pumping some times because I just didn’t have TIME to pump.
I don’t think I was mentally at a good enough place to just let him cry for 20
minutes while I pumped, so I didn’t. Or when he napped he didn’t always
like to be put down so I held him when he wouldn’t nap in bed just so he would
infact sleep and give me a chance to mentally unwind. But because of that
my supply decreased while he increased how much he was eating at each
feeding. I went from producing enough milk to freeze some of it to barely
producing enough to feed him. One night we even had to defrost frozen
milk because I didn’t have enough.
It was at this point I
HATED the idea of breastfeeding.
I was SO frustrated and
nearly gave up right there. However, thanks to fenugreek, friends advice,
and just forcing myself to pump, I started to get my supply up but it was two
weeks of constant pumping that did it.
Which luckily he was sleeping longer periods of time
so I was getting a little more sleep which helped. But I thought; was this really what I had to
do to feed our son? I mean I will do
ANYTHING for him, but I have never heard other moms talk about how SO MUCH of
your day is wrapped up in feeding or keeping your body ready to feed. This
can’t be normal. Maybe I just had high expectations for a newborn.
Then when he turned 1
month and was really fussy as he was waiting for his bottle I decided to just
try the boob….and he latched! No nipple shield, straight up boob. I
was thrilled and so proud of our son!! I thought “great, I will be able
to nurse him now at night and get my supply back!” But as it turns out,
just getting him to latch didn’t mean nursing would be easy. He would
either eat out of both my boobs and still be hungry, eat and keep throwing up (mostly
due to the reflux and laying flat while he ate for 30 minutes), or eat for 5
minutes and fall asleep. It was short-lived excitement followed again by
frustration. Why is this so hard for
us?!!!
So after another little
breakdown I decided it is back to the bottle and pumping. I pump before I go to work (and get the
largest amount of milk at this time), pump at 10am, 1pm, 4pm and 7pm. Occasionally I nurse him before he goes to
bed if we are both OK with it as it helps him to sleep and then I pump again
before I go to bed. And that is what I
am doing now. It works for Henry and I
and I am not going to keep trying something that doesn’t work for us. Sometimes nursing works and sometimes it
doesn’t (seriously, it is like we both have to be in a good mood for this to work right), but I am not going to feel guilty anymore because I can’t always nurse
properly.
My initial goal is to
make it to three months doing the pumping thing….which if everything goes as it
is now will not be a problem. After that
I will try for 6 months. If we make it to 6 months
I will reevaluate our situation and see what is best….but not feel ONE ounce of
guilt if we switch to formula at any time.
Infact I hate how parents are made to feel guilty if they formula feed
their children….Terry and I were formula fed and we are just fine! Well you know
except for the unexplained twitches and spasms we get. :) heehee
Here is the thing, I
believe breastfeeding/nursing CAN be a wonderful thing but that is only if both
mom and child are into it. My son does
like nursing but pretty much because he enjoys the comfort of being close to me. It sucks because Terry can feed him and he is
content after his bottle. If I feed him
a bottle he will have eaten plenty but still root and want to nurse for comfort…which
leads to him eating way too much and throwing up. But as I said above, if I try just nursing we
run into other problems. Overall, he
just loves eating and has no problem with just taking a bottle….and when he is
hungry prefers the bottle. But then
after the bottle wants the comfort of being close to me. I really have no idea what to do. What do you
do?!?!
Besides the feeding
issues with Henry, I also am just not a fan of breastfeeding in general. It is partly because I feel like I have my
boobs out half of the day! Pumping in
general is just ridiculous. I mean I am
milking myself. Like a COW.
Yes, it is absolutely
beautiful and amazing what our bodies can do.
But that doesn’t mean I have to enjoy it. Though it has only been a week at work, I
absolutely HATE grabbing my bag and all my stuff and heading to a back office
to pump where I lock the door and sit in the corner of a dark room so none of
the construction workers outside the window can see me. And I sit there, hoping I infact DID lock the
door and no one walks in on me. I sit
there holding two bottle up to my boobs just ready to be done pumping.
I think from the
beginning I became frustrated with breastfeeding because I had a difficult time
with it amongst all the emotion and frustration and it put a bad taste in my mouth (teehee) and though it has gotten
better and keep trying, I have yet to enjoy it because neither Henry nor I still have the hang
of it. As amazing as it is, it really
doesn’t seem natural to me. And at this point I don’t love it…..but I
don’t hate it either. I am totally
indifferent about it and want to do it for my son for as long as I can. But to me it is nothing more than something extra
I am able to do for Henry. And for him I
will do it and not regret doing it AT ALL.
But that doesn’t mean I have to enjoy pumping 7 times a day. It doesn’t mean I like that my nipples always
feel sore and are freak’n HUGE. It doesn’t mean I like to leak when I get too
full. It doesn’t mean I like sitting in the back seat of my car pumping with a
hand pump because my husband and I are out all day and I need to pump. It doesn’t mean I enjoy 20-30 minutes of the
same sound the stupid pump makes. It
doesn’t mean I like cleaning ALL the bottle and pieces to the pump and taking
with me a cooler to keep the milk in. It
doesn’t mean I like that I feel it is ALL about pumping/breastfeeding in my
life right now. It doesn’t mean I like
that I feel I have NO control over my body and that it is no longer mine. And I don’t like that in the 5 hours I spend
with my son when I get home an hour and a half of that I have milk coming out
of my boobs.
So to end this
ridiculously long rant and post I guess I am just sharing what was never really
shared fully with me…..that breastfeeding is frustrating and hard. And that it is 100% OK if you don’t enjoy it
or don’t get it right away. Do what YOU
want to do and don’t feel an ounce of guilt if breastfeeding doesn’t go as you
planned. You may love it and do it for
as long as you can and that is fantastic!
You may not nurse but just pump and that is great too! You may decide that breastfeeding isn’t for
you or maybe you are unable to do and you feed your child formula and that is just
fine too!
I think what all these
people forgot to tell me was that it had NOTHING to do with how I fed him but
the emotion and time I spend with him when I DO feed him. Feeding him when we are both annoyed and
nearly in tears (or in many cases IN tears) is not a special experience for
either of us. But feeding your child
(however that may be) when you are both happy and looking into each other’s
eyes or holding hands and just being content is what it is about. The way you feed him isn’t what matters. And if you do breastfeed, know that you are
not a failure if you can’t do it and that it is not always easy and chances are
it is hard for most people at first instead of easy for most people. And finally, don’t be afraid to
talk about it or ask people for advice. You may get comfort in the fact that
you are not the only one who has gone through this.
Soooo….what are your
thoughts/experiences on breastfeeding/nursing?!
How did it go for you at first?
