Stress and Routine

The two biggest issues I tend to have with staying on a diet are stress and routines, or lack there of with the latter. 

Currently my stress level is at an all-time high and my routine has been seriously lacking for the entire month of February due to my son being sick a majority of the month.  Which also means most of the food we are buying is geared towards my son, so hello crackers, bread, soup and extra calories.

I need routine to stay on my diet.  When I don’t have the routine I don’t have meals planned, I make last minute decisions on food, I go for easy or convenient which is not always healthy.

And add stress on top of that and I am done for. 

I have always been an emotional eater, so between the emotions caused by life and the emotions and lack of sleep caused from illness in our house, I have not had the best few weeks in regards to my diet.

Sunday night my 3 year old and I were once again having confrontation after confrontation.  Partly due to the fact he is getting sick…AGAIN.  And partly caused by the fact he is 3 ½ and thinks he knows everything and can do everything, no matter what I tell him.

By bedtime I was almost at the breaking point.  As I sat in the rocking chair and he laid in the bed playing with the toys I told him to stop playing with a half a dozen times and then crying because I took the toys away....my thoughts drifted between frustration and wanting food.

It was weird, like this natural reaction I don’t think I ever noticed I did before…or maybe more accurately, never admitted I did before.  “Nooooo, I am not a stress eater!!  I just like food.” I call bullshit now.  But it was like this urge growing inside of me.  I needed something comforting after having a rough day and that is what I thought about.

I sat in that chair trying to justify the calories and then trying to talk myself out of eating everything anything  when I went downstairs.  “Oh Jenn, you can spare a few calories” (um, have you seen me…no I can’t).  “Jenn, you have come so far and haven’t lost anything the past 2 weeks…DON’T DO IT.”

After he fell asleep I still carried this conversation on with myself.  “DON’T GO IN THE KITCHEN!!  GO TO BED”  “Just have a bowl of cereal or something small.”

I gave in and went to the kitchen and just looked around.  And then this feeling came over me and I grabbed some cheese and crackers (260 calories).  And I ate them.  And I breathed this sigh of relief. It calmed me.  That feeling of eating relaxed me and took away the anxiety that had been building up inside me.   I then had a mini snack bag of dorritos (150calories).

And then as quick as it made me feel better, I felt so sad after.

I have been working so hard, that was 410 calories….almost a 1/3 of what I have been allowing myself each day.  In mere minutes (literally), the food was gone.

Sigh.

Now, in the past that would have just been the appetizer.  The start of a binge that could last an hour.

I did stop, unlike in the past.  Progress?!

But I still felt I needed food.  In that moment of stress, exhaustion, frustration, loneliness…I turned to food.

Obviously I have only been doing this diet for 3 months and I am a work in progress and I am trying not to be too hard on myself.  But it did hit me.  Even though I KNOW and acknowledge now what I am doing, I still went for it.  I haven't decided yet if that is better or worse.

I haven’t lost any weight the past couple weeks.  I haven’t gained.  

I went to bed reaffirming  that tomorrow is a new day and this is just a small bump and I know now I CAN do this and I will get back on track.  I have my food in the fridge again and not just stomach bug kid food.  I calculated everything I would eat for the day and am sticking to it.  I am feeling that hunger again and that is good.

This is a journey, a long journey.  I will not be “fixed” overnight and I accept that.  But I also know, that unlike before, I am not going to get discouraged and fall back into my old routines.  I have already come too far to go back.   I won’t go back…I just have to keep moving forward.

Hopefully in a week I can come back and tell you I am now at 20lbs lost.  That is my goal.

Febrile Seizures

Today Henry had another seizure.

This is number eight since the  end of August.

EIGHT. 

My sweet little boy has and EIGHT freak'n seizures the past 4 months.

It has gone something like this.

One in August with croup.  This was the first and at the time we were not even sure he had a seizure because we caught the tale end of it because it was at night and this was all new to us.  But the ER doctor said it may have been a febrile seizure (a seizure brought on by a fever)  We read up on it.

Then the end of September, he had another one at night when he had croup AGAIN.  This time we saw more of the seizure and knew.

Then the saturday after Thanksgiving he had three.  THREE in one day.  He had a sickness and had a seizure at nap so we  went to the ER again and they diagnosed the ear infection.  However his temp got to a scary 104 on the ride home and he had a seizure in the car and again at home.

Then a week ago Henry had a bad cold and had a seizure at night and then again in the evening when I tried to give him a bath. NOTE: IF YOUR KID HAS A FEVER DO NOT GIVE THEM A BATH!!  If they shiver even a bit their body thinks it is cold and their temp rises and this is what caused his seizure because his temp was rising.

That brings us to today.  Henry had been feeling better.  His fever broke Christmas morning and the last few days he has had a cough and lots of snot, but no temp.  He was in a great mode this morning.  His temp was a perfect 97.3 and he was happy to go to school.  Then around 4:15 I get a call from his daycare and just knew.  Henry had just had a seizure and was coming out of it.  I can't even remember if I turned my computer off, I just grabbed all my shit at work and left as I talked to the teacher.  Apparently he had been outside playing and was running around when they noticed he stumbled a few times and then fell to the ground as the teacher was grabbing for him.  She noticed his eyes rolled in the back of his head and him shaking.  The shaking lasted a minute or so but his body was tense for about 10 minutes. (longer than normal) They had carried him inside while they were talking to me.  sigh.

The thing about this seizure is we don't know if a temperature was involved.  When I got there he didn't feel hot.  But he had been outside playing in a snow suit, coat, mittens, gloves...so did he have a mild temp and overheat?!  Is that even possible?!  (the doctor we talked to said not as likely, but i still wonder.)  Was there a temp and it just went down or is this infact a real seizure?!?!  

We took him to the ER and he still didn't have a temperature.  He also showed no signs of an ear infection (though those come on quickly and he could always have one in a day), no respiratory problems, no major red flags or concerns....well except for the biggest concern, that our child has had EIGHT seizures the past 4 months with SIX in the last month and ONE that we don't have a cause for.  Febrile or not, that is WAY to many seizures in a short amount of time for a two year old.

At this point we have NO answers.  Three trips to the ER, many doctor appointments, and we have no answers on what this is.  And in the meantime we have a doctors appointment not scheduled until the 28th to get him into a neurologist.  It was agreed tonight that myself and Henry's doctor will try to get an urgent appointment.  If nothing, we are looking in Cleveland or Columbus.  This child NEEDS to get into a doctor.  Like yesterday.  We need to make sure he is OK and figure this all out.

For me I am a mess.  As I write this post I have looked into his video monitor no less than 8 times a minute.  I crank it up so loud at night it is almost impossible to sleep, not like I can sleep anyways.  I take his temperature ALL the freak'n time. I even went in his room tonight and took his temp while I wrote this.  I can't concentrate on anything but him.  I am tempted to pull him out of daycare so he isn't around germy kids.  The questions in my head.  What it could be.  What it couldn't be.  What does it mean for him and his future.  Yes, things I shouldn't think about but I do.  I am a total mess and with no answers and him having a seizure with no temp or a very low temp throws a curve ball in everything we have thought the past few months.  New questions and new thoughts and again....no answers.

My little boy.  My sweet, sweet boy.  I hope we find out answers really soon.

(On the upside he had his first Popsicle today and loved it!)

Update: December 31st in the ER again with seizure 9.  On the upside we got seizure medicine and an earlier Neurologist appointment.