What Happens When You Are No Longer Eating Your Emotions

So in January of this year I started my journey to not only lose weight but to stop binging/emotional eating and cut my emotional ties to food.

And while I am not exactly at the weight I thought I would be at by this time, I am still down 33lbs and very proud of THAT accomplishment!

Even more than the weight loss, I am proud of the fact that I have not had a full on binge in TEN months.

WHAT?!

You guys. This is HUGE for me.

I have had some times where I have snacked a little more in the evening than I should and overate, but it definitely doesn’t qualify as a binge.

Binge eating – When you frequently consume unusually large amounts of food and feel unable to stop eating.

Emotional eating - the practice of consuming large quantities of food -- usually "comfort" or junk foods -- in response to feelings instead of hunger. 

Any time now I think I may start a binge, I have stopped myself very quickly.

I have learned to control my overeating, though it happens and is perfectly normal.

For me, binge eating was tied with my emotions that ranged from happy to sad to stressed to bored to mad to overwhelmed to, well whatever. 

I am learning to NOT eat for comfort but to fuel my body. 

I am learning to not immediately turn to food when I am stressed or happy or sad. Though it happens.

I have started eating whole foods 80% of the time, which allows me to eat healthy food but still have those indulgences.  This also helps to avoid overeating and/or binging on food because I no longer feel deprived with what I am eating.

I believe I have the healthiest relationship with food I have EVER had.

So then, I ask myself regularly, why am I so miserable?  Why am I unhappy?  Why am I SO angry all the time?

Yesterday I was leaving home and said goodbye to my 4 year old.  We said our normal, bye, have a good day, love you’s and then he said:

H: “Don’t come home angry today, ok mom!!”

(Feeling like I got punched in the gut, though this little boy has no idea of his brutal honesty that I needed to hear) 

Me: “Ok buddy, I won’t be angry today.”

H: “You promise?!”

Me: sigh “Yes, I promise…love you.”

Ugh. Tears.

It has been something that I have kept thinking about for the past few months.

I am losing weight. 

I am getting a hold of my binge eating. 

And yet I am ANGRY. 

EVERYTHING annoys or frustrates me.

WHY?!?!?!?!

The other day it came to me.  Now of course, I am not a psychologist, so I could be WAY off on this.  But to me, it makes sense.

For 20 years I have used binge eating as my emotional release.  When I get stressed I turn to food.  I would eat a large amount of food quickly and just to feel this release. I would FEEL better after my binge, even if my stomach hurt or feel guilty for eating all that food.  BUT I was satisfied and whatever those stresses I had before were temporarily gone and forgotten as I sat in a combination of food bliss and regret.

To fully explain those feelings I got when I binged is hard and may not make sense to someone who doesn’t have those ties.  But it is a form of addiction and has similar effects to your body.  Am I comparing myself to a heroin addict? Come on…of course not.  BUT, foods high in fat, sugar and salt (the ones I would normally binge on) are known to release and trigger those same “feel-good” chemicals in the brain that certain drugs do.  And then of course when the sugars and stuff wear off, you come down and don’t feel good about yourself so you eat more to feel better about yourself.

Even now, I think about binging nearly EVERY day.  Even as I write this, I think with a sense of comfort and happiness in eating a big plate of nachos and some cookies without care.  While I know now I shouldn’t do it as I have made so much progress, I still have a part of me that WANTS to do it. Every. Single. Day.  

When it comes to stress, some people write in a journal.  Some workout.  Some talk to a professional.  People have different ways of dealing with stress.  FOR nearly TWO decades MY way of dealing with stress is food.  And now THAT is gone.

I am no longer binging.  I have drastically reduced the amount of high sugar, fat, and salt I consume. So when I am stressed I have no release.  I am not saying food was a healthy release, but I have yet to figure out a way to release my stresses in a HEALTHY way and I think that is part of what is causing these feelings of unhappiness and anger. 

I have never dealt with my stress in a healthy way, but I would temporarily ignore it with something that gave me enjoyment.  Now, I am just not dealing with any of it.  I am holding it in until I literally explode at whoever is around me….usually my husband or son. 

As I am nearing the end of my first year journey to a healthier self, my new goals along with continued weight loss, is to figure out how to handle my stress and emotions in a healthy way.  That most likely will involve speaking to an actual professional which will also help with my OCD, which is worse than ever….but that is an entirely different post!!!

But that is also part of the reason I am a beachbody coach.  It is giving me the opportunity to find a more balanced and healthy lifestyle.  It is allowing me to connect with others and share my feelings and listen to theirs.  It is encouraging to work on myself physically AND mentally and leave the emotional ties to food out of the picture.

I still have a long way to go, but am getting closer.

So how do YOU deal with stress?  Emotional eating?

How are you helping YOU?!?!

Things I have Realized Today.

1. Sometimes you need to cry in your minivan on your way to work because it was a rough morning and you feel bad for screaming at your kid because they refused to get ready.

2. I need to find a way to communicate with a stubborn, highly independent three year old who only listens to half of what I say.  Any advice is appreciated.

3. While I thoroughly enjoy pumpkin flavored pastries, I am not a fan of pumpkin flavored coffee….especially when the office is out of cream and sugar. (Send a vanilla latte now!!!)

4. I drink too much coffee.  How do I know? Well because I am rather impatiently waiting for the girl to return from the store with creamer. Need. Coffee. NOW.  (See, drink too much coffee.)

5. I need some time away from work.  Annoyed.

6. I am burnt out.  This isn’t necessarily a new realization, but I don’t admit it often.

7. I just found some more long black hairs on my neck and chin.  I think I need to start waxing. OH. MY. GOSH. I. AM. OLD.  Not fair. Grrrrrr.

8. I am getting my first massage in 3 years this Friday!!!  But that does mean I am going to have to shave.  The ying and yang of life….

Have a good day!!

Lenten Sabotage!!!

So is anyone giving up or doing something for lent this year? 

Is anyone’s significant other NOT giving anything up and trying to sabotage YOUR Lenten promise?!?!

So I have not done the lent thing in a few years, but this year I knew I wanted to give something up and exactly what that something would be.

Sweets.  {GASP}

Yep, I wanted to give up sweets for Lent this year.

Why, you ask?!  Have you really lost your mind?!?!

Yes, I have lost my mind but that is besides the point.

SO MUCH TO DO! SO MUCH TO DO! Is This What the Holiday’s Are About?!?!

This time of year.  Oh this time of year.

I love this time of year.  It really is my favorite.  I love giving and let’s be honest, receiving.  I love the snow and the decorations and the cookies and the festivities and the music and family.  I love it all!!

And it is all those things and so much more that also make this time of year so stressful and that make me frustrated during the time of year that I love so much.

Sigh.

I am sure I am not the only one.  We ALL do this.  It is almost like a ritualistic form of torture that we put ourselves through this time of year.  We put so much on our plate (literally and figuratively) that by the time Christmas day gets here we are exhausted and over the holidays.  To say the holiday spirit is being sucked out of me quickly is an understatement.  Though at work I am trying to maintain the spirit I have left by dressing up!!

 (Those are ornament bulb earrings & a fun green braclet!)

And the thing that sucks, is most* of the time I do all this to myself.  I create the stress.

Right now I have this to do list:

- Order Christmas, nah, New Years Cards

- I still have Christmas gifts to buy (a few people I still have no clue what to get!)

- Make cookies (extra for his school)

- Clean House

- Wrap gifts

- Send gifts to a couple friends

- Figure out Christmas dinner

- Buy gift for work exchange

- Make food for work

- Go grocery shopping (which I don’t think I have done in a couple weeks except for basics)

- Put Henry’s gifts together

- Plan meals for the holidays

- Plan Christmas get together

Not to mention things I want to do with Henry like take him to the Lights Before Christmas, build a gingerbread house, bake cookies with him, play in the snow, enjoy this time of year!!!

On top of that we are ALL STILL sick and I have an ear infection and I have to go to the hospital for a chest X-Ray and all of it just makes feel blah.

I just have NO time to get everything I want done and I am stressing myself out and making myself feel like crap because I can’t get it all done.

IS THIS WHAT IT IS ALL ABOUT?!?!

"'And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not; for, behold, I bring you tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.  For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord.  And this shall be a sign unto you: Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.  And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace and goodwill towards men.'"

"...That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown……er, Jenn"

I need to STOP. 

I need to BREATHE.

I need to BE IN THE MOMENT.

I need to REMEMBER THE REAL MEANING OF THIS TIME OF YEAR.

(ok, I am done talking loudly!  I just have trouble controlling the volume of my voice….or fingers)

I feel some strengths of mine are also the weaknesses that create this stress. That is planning/entertaining/organization.  I envision things a certain way and get frustrated when they don’t turn out….and with a child, they don’t always turn out.  I get caught up in the moment and forget to STOP and take the moment IN.   I may not want things to be perfect by I want them to be loved by all and if I think one thing went wrong then it ALL went wrong.   I plan and plan and plan and want things to follow that plan exactly….if dinner is suppose to be at 5:15 it is AT 5:15, not 5:20.  

I am definitely not a go with the flow kind of person.  I have list upon list  upon list and cannot deviate from that.

You see where I am going with this?! 

Yeah, I sound AWESOME to be around during the holidays, no?!

As great as some of my strengths in the details and planning are, they also are the things that hinder me or that I obsess about or that make me miss the moments I shouldn’t miss.

I have tried hard since Henry was born to STOP.  Ok, this last year I have tried.  In some ways I have succeeded and others I fall back into my old ways. 

Like last Friday Henry has his school program.  I was SO excited for this because I thought it would be a great memory.  I got off work a little early (not early enough apparently) and picked up Henry and made a cheese tray and got him some pizza and Terry and I got him ready.  We were rushing rushing rushing.  Henry is going the potty like a big boy (YAY!!), but I was just like…come on, wear a diaper don’t pee in the potty which he didn’t like.  I am not mad or yelling, just short and snippy because we have to go!!  We get there 3 minutes late and I grab Henry from the car and Terry parks it and we run in and I basically throw him to the teachers and see my baby reaching out to me, confused at what is going on….but I have to get him to the program, right?!  Well apparently they start right on time and we missed the toddler performance.  Then we see Henry at the end in the finale and he is looking for us and looks so sad, and we are in the back waving but he can’t see us.  He looks so uncomfortable and sad and I just want to grab him….but NO, I had to get him up there to make memories!!  And while I was recording him there must have been a smudge on the camera because it is always blurry and auto focusing so I have a horrible video.  So we were just going to leave because we were annoyed.  We get outside and I say “great, like the night wasn’t bad enough he now is going to miss Santa”.  

I stopped.  Why did he have to miss Santa.  We had nowhere to be.  We were just annoyed that things didn’t go as planned.  Henry could still have fun with his friends & see Santa.  So we went back in.  Henry had cookies and talked to his teachers and saw (the jankiest) Santa and HE HAD FUN!!  The joy on his face with Santa was like no other.  (be still my heart)

That is what matters, right?!  So I got a crappy video, I was there and saw HIM.  So he missed singing, he sings at home.  We then drove around and looked at Christmas lights and the night as a family wasn’t perfect or as planned…but it was also pretty darn awesome!

I am trying to accept that not everything is going to get done.  That not everything will be perfect or go as I planned.  That if I keep focusing on what I “need” to do I am going to miss the most important things.  If I keep trying to create memories I am going to miss the ones infront of me that happen all on their own.

I admit it is hard, but I am trying.  Tonight I am going home and making a list of what NEEDS done.  Ok, really…you can’t change everything about me.  This girl still needs her lists.  But I am trying. 

What is more important to me, a clean house or making a gingerbread house with my son?!  Getting out Christmas New Year Cards or curling up on the couch and watching Christmas movies with Henry?!  Planning a big meal for Christmas or playing in the snow with Henry?!  Um, no question….my son wins EVERY time. And those, those moments are where the memories are made.

THAT is what I need to focus on. The time spent with my family.  Of course, there are things that I can’t get around and need to do….but I also don’t need to make everything “perfect” or try to do it all. 

Sigh.

So how do YOU handle the holidays?!  Have you learned to relax and take it easy?  Are you crazy like me?!  Somewhere in the middle?  What do you do to relax and ENJOY this time of year?

(Yep, this is how I feel too little buddy.)

*I say most because there are other people who do make this time of year more stressful then it needs to be…but that is an entirely different and private post.  But we all know who those type of people are!

This Is My Brain.

Lately I feel like my brain is totally out of order.  

There is SO much going on inside that I cannot sort out my thoughts or what I need to do next.  Basically, I cannot FOCUS. 

I even have about 7 blog posts and can’t finish any of them.  Even writing this post, my brain is about 20 other places.

Between bills, holidays, work, finances, home, family, things I have to do, things I want to do, things I have forgotten but pretty sure I was suppose to do….my brain is a MESS! 

And I am the type of person when I feel overwhelmed and can’t focus then I stop and I don’t want to do anything and then BAM I will go crazy and try to accomplish everything at once.  For the record, I am currently still in the “I don’t want to do anything” phase.

I tried to write everything down and get organized....and then I lost the note pad.

Yep....THIS is my brain at the moment. (including the tiny little cowboy hat.)

Let me ask, how do you focus?  How do you sort through the clutter in your brain so you can think again and get stuff accomplished?! 

I think I need Peter Walsh, de-cluttering extraordinar, to get all up in my brain and organize it.

Talk to Me - Getting Older

I totally acknowledge this post may come off as vain or like I am complaining, even though I am trying to make it fairly light and funny.  However, I don’t know of any woman who likes the changes that happen to our bodies as we age and especially changes post kid.  And what is even more frustrating is men seem to get younger looking as they age which makes women look even more broke down as they get older even if that is NOT the case and they look great.  Feminist….back off!!  So I am not complaining (maybe a little) because I am OK with getting older, I am just not OK with looking the same age as my husband who is 7 years older and having more facial hair then my husband...

Ok Ladies (and men if any read this blog) let’s talk getting older.  Specifically, getting older and your look.

Now let me preface and say by NO MEANS do I think I am old, but I also think I am reaching the age where I can no longer deny the fact that I am getting older and things are changing and I am looking older.  My body is changing.  My look is changing.  I feel different and am noticing things I have never noticed before.  And the last time I went to the store I wasn’t carded and she just put in a random birthday, so there is that...

Now I never thought I was someone who cared about my appearance.  I very rarely wear make-up, I don’t use lotions and creams, I wear my hair up and messy about 96% of the time, my clothes…well you could say they are dated and ill fitting, I get a haircut once or twice a year, and if I don’t like the way I look I just don’t go out in public….which is OK with me. 

I mean honestly, it is too bad that What Not To Wear is ending because I probably could benefit from a makeover.  But I just have not put too much effort into my appearance, which I think can be good and bad.   I probably should have made a little more effort over the years, I just always felt uncomfortable with beauty and fashion.  Perhaps it was because for so much of my life I tried to go unnoticed by my peers, just blend into the background, that for me to wear makeup or fashionable clothing I feel like it would draw too much attention to myself and that makes me uncomfortable.  Though I totally get that by NOT doing those things I am also drawing attention to myself, but it is hard to argue with crazy person logic!!

So what does this have to do with changes in my look and getting older?!?!

Well, now that I am getting older I am finding it harder to continue the way I have all these years.  I am thinking I need help.  I need to hide stuff.  Cover things up.  

So what is changing, you ask.  Well let me tell you.

1. I am growing a beard.  Ok, maybe not like this…

….but I have so many little dark and light hairs on my chin.  I am going to be that lady that has one really long hair growing on her neck that I don’t see but everyone else sees it and stares at it and thinks “WHY WON’T SHE PLUCK IT” but they never say anything and it is the big elephant hair in the room that no one talks about.  UGH.

I am seriously obsessed with trying to pluck every hair and I feel like they are just multiplying and it is so frustrating.  I know that most people don’t get close enough to me to really see them, but I see them and know they are there and on really sunny days there is no hiding them.  Dim lighting is my friend.

2. I have been getting pimples. Yep, 33 and breaking out on my face and my back like I was 15 years old boy!!  I have been lucky that I have not had a huge problem with pimples in the past, but apparently now it is an issue.  Sure hormones and stress can be a cause, but it is just weird and annoying that now I am breaking out.

3. My skin.  Yes, in general my skin is changing.  It isn’t as taut as it once was.  It is blotchy and dull and just blah.  I have circles under my eyes the size of half dollars and my once wrinkle free forehead now contains a crevasse that I feel I could store my change in.  And just wait until the winter months….I will turn my head and half of my face will flake off!  Awesome.  

4. Hair.  Besides losing tons of hair on a daily basis, I am also the proud owner of grey hair.  After I had Henry I found my first grey hair.  I heard that happened post pregnancy so of course like any normal person I quickly pulled it out and denied that it even had happened.  And all was good.  Until this weekend when I saw this…..

Grey hairs!!!!  WTF?!?!  When did those get there?!  If having blotchy skin, pimples, and a beard wasn’t enough, now I have grey hairSSSS?!  I really thought that being grey free was the one thing I had going for me, the one thing that didn’t make me feel like I was getting older.  And then I was bitch slapped by a stray coarse grey hair and reminded that, yes Jenn, you are aging. 

5. Boobs. All I am going to say about this is that boobs post kid fuck’n SUCK.  Pardon my language, but your boobs should hit you in the face when you jump, not smack you in the vagina or rest comfortably on the post baby jelly belly you still have.  But I still have hope for this as I promised Terry that when we were in a better place financially I would get a boob lift and he can get a ball lift.  :-) So there is hope!!!

6. Body.  My body is just different.  Things are jiggling more and sagging more and clothes just fit weird.  And I just feel at this in between with clothes.  Like, what is appropriate and what doesn’t make me look old but what also doesn’t make me look like I am trying too hard or trying to look like my 25 year old sister.  I know working out would help some of this.  I will get on that.  

There is also just things creaking and snapping that shouldn’t make noise and haven’t in the past.  Or soreness that I have never had before.  Like today with the weather, I feel and sound like a 90 year old!  And don’t get me started on things happening below the belt.  That is just a hot mess.  Probably literally. Sigh.

Someone at work told me some of this could because I am off birth control and haven’t been on it for 4+ years and my hormones are just a crazy mess and that is what is causing some of these issues. WHAT, YOU THINK ME AND MY HORMONES ARE A CRAZY MESS?!?!  YOUR HORMONES ARE A CRAZY MESS!!! 

She may be right…..

And while she may be right and getting my hormones readjusted may help a little with some things, I think I have to face the reality that with each decade I enter things change and therefore I need to adjust. 

First adjustment is signing up for AARP and bingo night at the senior center Fridays at 6:30. 

Second is taking care of my skin. I have always said I need to do this, but just hate the feeling of anything on my face.  But it is more than apparent that I need something now.  I am looking at different lotions for my face. (What do you use?!?!)  I also think my first trip to a dermatologist may be good.

Third, I need to lose weight.  Mostly for health, but I also think if I can be happy with my weight I will be happier with my overall appearance.

As for my beard, well I am still trying to figure that one out….

I know that aging is inevitable and though it may not sound like it and this post has sounded totally vain, I think I am OK with getting older.  I am just not OK with all these things that seem to be showing up all at once that make me feel older than what I am.  I mean, can’t I just have ONE of these as a problem?!

Talk to me!!  This is the face of someone who needs advice!!  And some strong moisturizer.  And her bangs cut. And some concealer.

What do YOU do in regards to aging?  Deny it?  Use lots of lotions and potions?  Seek help from a witch doctor?  Use natural remedies?  Take lots of vitamins and supplements?  Stay indoors and avoid all mirrors or reflective services?! All of the above?

This and That

I haven’t been blogging much the past couple weeks and I have to say part of the reason is the past couple weeks have just been FULL of emotions.  Good, bad, scary, frustrated….all of them! So here is my This and That - Emotion Edition.  

P.S. This is probably the most random, unorganized, wordy post I have written!  My mind is just everywhere and out of control!!

1. Excitement coupled with a hint of sadness: My son turned TWO this weekend.  Sigh.  Leading up to this I was excited but sad.  The idea of two has been harder, he will always be MY baby but he is no longer A baby.  But the day came and went and as I rocked my two year old to bed Sunday night he cuddled up to me and held my hand and we sang our song like we do every night.  I loved this so much.  I think Henry is going to let me ease into this two year old thing…..and I can handle that.  Birthday post and pictures coming soon to a blog near you!!  

2. Joy: “Boppy, Baby” I sing this song (in henry’s words) to him every night, while he cuddles up on me and quietly whispers “boppy, boppy baby” along with me. It is Baby of Mine from Dumbo. See HERE.  I tear up nearly every night singing it to him.  I love this time, our time together.  No one else, just me and my son singing together.  So much joy.

3. Fear: We went to the ER a couple weeks ago because Henry had croup.  It started when we were awaken at 3:15 in the morning to him making a noise, sort of convulsing and when we picked him up he had puked everywhere and was just very lethargic and non-responsive.  He also had a very high fever.  That was the most scared I have EVER been. My stomach still turns thinking about it.  After an hour of getting him fluids and awake and cleaned up we took him to the ER.  Of course by the time we got there he was walking around, talking and didn’t even look or act sick. He got a steroid and by the next day started feeling better! But those moments....scary.

4. Anticipation: I am listening to Christmas music already and getting so excited for not only Christmas but FALL.  I feel like I am jumping out of my skin with excitement for fall, pumpkins, thanksgiving, Christmas…everything!

5. Frustration: The terrible twos have made their way into our house and it has come in the form of extreme independence and not listening. 

I feel like this is the only thing I say anymore:

Henry, NO.  Put that down! NO, Get away from that! DON’T touch that!! You will get hurt!  Don’t stand on that!  Don’t put that up your nose/in your ear! Henry, STOP IT!!!

To which his verbal response to me is usually: holds out hand in the stop motion “STOP IT” or “No Means No” or “No, Go!”. And most of the time continues with what he was doing.

I feel like in his mind when I am saying NO to him he is thinking:

What this, you don’t want me to touch THIS?!  This thing in my hand that is not a toy, I should put it down?!  You are not being very clear, do you want me to put THIS down or did you say put it in my mouth?!  So to summarize, I am putting this in my mouth like you wanted, right?!  Oh no, I am suppose to put this down…gotcha.  Ok, I will put this down in the microwave and turn the microwave on.  Great, I am glad we talked this through.

Now I have to give credit where credit is due and in some ways he is actually a very good listener.  He will hold my hand in the parking lot and around cars and is VERY good with routines.  It is mostly at home where he just feels he can do whatever he wants and get into everything or in places that there is just a lot to get into to, like a store.

And on top of that, everything, and I mean EV.ER.Y.THING. IS….NO.  ME. I DO IT. NO. MEMEMEMEME.  He basically thinks he is an adult and can do whatever we do.  Even grab a pot holder and open the oven (not on folks!) and pull out the tray.  Two time outs yesterday for that alone.

Sigh.  There is this constant battle between letting him be independent and teaching limitations.  It can be frustrating for all of us!

6. Confusion: I started couponing a couple weeks ago.  I have done really well a couple shopping trips and saved a lot, and a couple other trips I made a few mistakes and didn’t do as well.  I am still learning, but it has made me more aware of what we are buying and sales out there.  I spend a few hours a week clipping coupons and preparing for sales and it is so confusing and a bit annoying.  But it works and saves money so I am giving it a try.  I will update more in a month or two!

7. Anger: A while back Terry told me I was very angry and if I needed to talk to someone I should.  His words (which were a lot more than just that) hit me, pretty hard and then over the past few months things have happened that really have made me stop and gain perspective.  What is important.  Who is important.  Why am I acting this way.  I have been working to control those anger outbursts and feel like I am more focused on my family and this precious life we have and making moments count…not perfect, just making them count.  Just by stopping, talking a step back, breathing, and putting things into perspective has really helped me not get angry in some situations or AS angry as I used too.  In the sing-songy words of Daniel Tiger’s mom….when you feel so mad that you want to roar, take a deep breath and count to four. 1…2…3….4.  Ok, I will do that! Good bye anger :-)

8. Funny: I have my own sense of humor.  I think I am funny but many times it is a funny that I feel only certain people who know me really get.  With that said, I think it would be hilarious to make a FB page for Henry and post status updates like “Dids you see the last episode of Caillou?!  He got to go on a boat for real!!  Rosey was so scared…what a baby!!” or “Don’t tell my mom, but I hid her keys in the large drink mommy and daddy sit on!  I can’t wait to watch her run around looking for them and then finding them in there!!”  What, no one else thinks that is funny?!?!  I think it is hilarious!!  Coming from the girl who when she had a Myspace account she would post journals written by her cat. So…..

So there you go.  That is what I have been thinking about the past few weeks and what is going on in my mind right now.  

What are you up too?!

Talk to Me – Yes Ma’am

So I was just curious, what are your thoughts on getting called Ma’am?  Or in turn, calling others Ma’am?

This question was triggered by a few things. 

I first started thinking about it when I was watching an episode of Tia & Tamera (oh hell yeah I do) and Tia was throwing a fit complaining that she was called Ma’am. 

Then last week I went and got lunch and as the person handed me my sandwich he said “Here you go Ma’am.”

And then a girl I work with in her early 20’s (oh that age seems so far away) hates that another women older than her in the office calls her ma’am.

And on top of that Terry and I are constantly using Sir and Ma’am when talking to strangers.

It got me thinking, do women take offense to this?  Should only women of a certain age be called Ma’am?  What if it is someone my age? When is it appropriate vs not appropriate?

I can’t imagine men get offended being called Sir no matter what age, so why does it seem different for women?

What is the dealio – yo?!

Isn’t it just a term of respect you use when addressing other women?  That is what I was always taught.  Why has this turned into such a touchy word to be on the receiving end of?

I personally was not offended when I was called Ma’am at lunch, I thought it was very polite.  But I am not going to lie; there was a part of me that felt older.  And well, no one wants to feel older. But is it because I already had it on my mind from watching that episode that triggered it or was it my own thought of feeling old?!

I mean, IS THAT IT?!?!  We feel old when we are called Ma’am because that is how we have addressed adults when we were kids or how we address people older than us?!  And like I said, after a certain age we never want to feel older.

Definition of ma’am: Used as a form of polite address for a woman; short for madam: used as a title of respect, esp for female royalty

I like to consider myself a princess (that's for you mom & dad), so I shall be OK being called ma’am.  Well unless it is by some gorgeous 20 year old with perky boobs and great hair and she says it to me all valley girl like….then I will punch her (in my mind of course).

What are your thoughts? YAY or NAH on the Ma’am?!

Talk To Me….Are Blogs Becoming a Thing of The Past?!

I don’t know exactly where I am going with this post or if there is even a point.  I think I am just “talking” out loud on the blog.  Opening the door for communication.

So for the past 2 ½ years or so, blogging for me has been low.  Between work and having Henry and random life stresses, things got in the way and my ability/desire/time/creativeness to blog decreased tremendously.  Sometimes I have wanted to be away from the blogs, but more often than not I just have been too wrapped up in myself and family and work and stresses to even compile an understandable blog post to write down.  Seriously, you should read some of the drafts I have saved; they make zero sense and are nothing more than random ramblings! (That should be my new blog!)  :-) 

I know for me the battle between finding time and finding something interesting to post about are a constant struggle.  (What, you are telling me you wouldn’t get bored seeing daily pictures of my child or cats?!?!)  I look back at some of my old blog posts and I thoroughly enjoyed writing them and thought they totally reflected me at that time in my life, and let’s be honest…..were  pretty darn funny!  Maybe it was because I knew there was an audience who “got me” or perhaps I just had more time or perhaps blogging was new and the only social media in my life and I just enjoyed it more.  But, after 7 years of blogging (first post July 25, 2006!!) I just feel a bit lost when it comes to blogging.  Besides the time and energy it takes that I am just not always as willing to give I have thoughts go through my head: “have I written all this before, are you tired of hearing my rants, tired of seeing my kid, is there anything new to talk about?!?!”

But it doesn’t seem like it is just me who has slowed down (or even stopped) blogging.  It seems like the frequency to which many of us post or comment has become less over the past couple years.  Sometimes a few days go by without a blog post, where as I recall in the past barely being able to keep up with all the bloggers and their posts!!

I know sometimes I will read posts but may not comment at the time or refuse to comment from my phone (loathe typing on my phone) and then just forget to comment.  Or I see that many people are not commenting so I don’t post anything new on my blog.  I think this is common for others.  I think when posts are low and comments received become less frequent, the motivation to post more decreases because let’s be honest…..while we do post some things for just ourselves, there are other posts we are writing to share and receive feedback and acknowledgement.

And I can’t help but wonder….is it just our age and the points we are at in our lives that has caused us to turn our attention away from blogging?!  For me personally, seven years ago (at the young age of 26) I didn’t have a kid, wasn’t married yet, didn’t have a house, wasn’t trying to balance a husband in school and work with my work, there were fewer additional stresses…..really life was centered around only myself.  And that is OK!  If I wanted to come home and nap after work I did.  If I wanted to blog I did.  I was a few years out of college, had a great job, new friends and was coming out of my shell.  I had plenty to say about everything!  Now, other things/people take up much of my time.  Even if a child wasn’t in the picture, I know I would still be giving more in other areas of my life and the motivation to blog would decrease.

So is it as simple as life just got busier for us when we got into our 30’s and that is why blogging has decreased?!  Or is it something else?

Many times I also wonder if people move on to other types of social media.  Blogging does require a bit more time and now there are many more avenues out there to be a part of and allow us to socialize with others.  So has the ease and quickness of things like twitter, facebook and instagram provided us with that instant communication and gratification from social media that we desire, without having to put the time into a long blog post. A “like” or a “heart” on a status or picture still provides both parties with that curiousness, sharing, and acknowledgement that we are looking for without asking others to make too much of a fuss and without us having to spend too much time posting it.

I know for me, I have started (reluctantly) moving to easier outlets (damn you instagram), especially when things get busy or I am on the go.  

But don’t get me wrong, I love blogging.  I love having this “journal” to look back on.  I like to be wordy (obviously) and I adore the relationships I have made through these blogs the past 7 years as well as the relationships that have continued to grow through the blogs.  I love not having status updates all the time, links to things I don't care about, pictures of things I am suppose to like if I care about others, people's political views (UGH).  

But sometimes, you still want the relationship and communication with those individuals without all the fuss.  And now that relationships have been made, communication outside of social media is happening and therefore maybe it isn’t always necessary to seek advice on the blogs when I can just send an email or get together.  The thing is, you KNOW these people now.  You may see them outside the internet in the real world!! You may even care for many of them and have a vested interest in their lives and family.  You have moved past the creepy stalker stage and the courting stage and truly have formed friendships with these people.  So because of that, maybe your only communication with them isn’t just on the blog now….like perhaps it was before and therefore the desire to blog as frequently has declined.

Or maybe…..Yes, I have lots of "maybe's".... 

Maybe sometimes we all just need to step away.  Perhaps because we DO put ourselves out there so much on blogs, instagram, twitter, facebook, LinkedIn, text messages, emails, and the tons of other things we get involved with that maybe something has to give.  Maybe at some point we STOP sharing so much and take pleasure in in our privacy.  Sometimes I just have to STEP AWAY from technology and social media.  Between sitting at a desk infront of a computer for 9 hours a day and then having a stupid smart phone, both that gives me easy access to the internet, I just constantly feel CONNECTED.  Connected to everyone and everything and what is going on with everyone that I “follow” every minute of every day.  And sometimes, I want to be disconnected.  I NEED to be disconnected.  I think it is too much for my brain….my brain actually feels like mush by the end of the week that by the time the weekend comes around I just want to be disconnected from everything and everyone!!   I feel a struggle between my urge to know what people are up to and the need to ignore it and focus on just myself, even if it is just for a little bit.

Or could it even possibly be as simple as the fact that I have grown and now my blog needs to grow and evolve and reflect who I am now and since it hasn't, that is why I feel a disconnect to it.

Perhaps the lack of blogging is a combination of everything. 

Perhaps it is none of the above and nothing more than the fact that blogging is a passing fad, and like all fads and many things in today’s society, they fade away when something newer comes along.

Perhaps this entire post was me just rambling because my brain has turned into mush from all the access I have to technology and people and knowledge and random information that I just need to write it all down in an attempt to reboot and make room in the jumbled mess that is my mind!

Perhaps it means I miss this blog.  That I miss blogging.  That I miss the interaction I have with friends and sharing my thoughts….as random as they may be. (I do miss blogging.)

Perhaps it is also the realization that I need to find a balance between technology, social media, and life that I seem to be lacking.  Something has to give.  I need to find the outlets that make me happy, but I don’t need to do it all nor stay connected all the time. 

Perhaps I should ask YOU what you think!!

Do you blog regularly? Comment regularly?  Do you find you have more/less/same amount of time to blog now than when you started?  Do you prefer other social media outlets over blogging?  

Did I Just Have a Revelation Because of Beyonce?!

Back in February I watched the HBO Beyonce special “Lifeis but a Dream”.

I watched it out of curiosity more than anything.  I also watched it during Henry’s nap and when Terry was at work because T. would tease me if I watched it while he was home.  While I was half watching and half messing around with folding clothes, something she said caught my attention and made me rewind and listen again.

It was something, I think I needed to hear and was open to hearing at that moment because I wasn’t thinking about it.  It was something that made me think about myself and beliefs and made me start to cry.

Yeah, I know….what is wrong with me?!  I could have been on my period and that would probably explain the extreme emotion.

But basically Beyonce said the following [not exact, but close] “God is real and lives inside me, inside all of us.  It doesn’t matter where I am, I feel it.  Right now I feel it, I am hot/tingle.  It’s that love and I feel it when I look at my child, at my husband.  It’s God.”

Random Wednesday. This and That.

Just some things on this Wednesday.

I miss blogging.  I am trying to blog more.  Hence this post.

……

I can’t believe there are less than two weeks till Christmas. Nope. Cannot.  Believe. It.  Perhaps since we have had unseasonably warmer weather and things have been soooo busy, I just haven’t thought about the fact that Christmas is RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER!  I have a few things bought, but still have a bunch more shopping to do.  Christmas cards are printed but not addressed & mailed.  The Christmas tree is up and spinning, but there is nothing on it.  I have not even thought about dinners, brunches, or snacks for Christmas weekend.  Yep, I think it is safe to say I am 100% NOT ready for Christmas.  I am sure no one will mind if they get their cards after Christmas or if we sit around a plain white tree Christmas morning and open presents that are still in the shopping bag and eat chips and dips?!  And then I think, actually....they wouldn't mind.  That is the great thing.  The ones who love you don't care about all the little details that we put so much unnecessary pressure on ourselves to try to make "perfect".   I know my family wouldn't care and Henry, well he thinks that plain white spinning tree is the most amazing thing ever.  And I also know the memories we make with him over the years are not going to involve having everything picture perfect but will rather be things that involved us together and laughing and things not going so perfect!  Now that doesn't mean that I am not going to try to get stuff done, but I am going to try to calm down a bit and not put so much pressure on myself or this time of year.

……

We bought new cell phones a couple months back.  My 2008 LG envy just couldn't keep going anymore and finally died.  I knew it was coming, but it was still sad.  At the store I wanted to get just a basic phone…no bells, no whistles, NO internet.  Just a phone that was a PHONE.  What did we walk out of the store with?  A Droid 4 and Droid Razor. Sigh.  The initial cost was cheaper (though still freak’n expensive!) and they managed to get us a plan that was $30 more than what we were paying but had everything.  I still think $30 more is ridiculous.  I actually think the cost for phones and plans are ridiculous, but that is another rant.  However, if one did the smartphone we both had to do it…and so it was.  Two months later and I am still not sure.  Of course I enjoy getting certain apps, uploading photos to social media, and all the fun stuff.  But when it took me TEN minutes to figure out how to make a phone call, well that just annoys me.  And I still have issues with making phone calls and finding people in my contacts.  Thank goodness I hate talking on the phone and I never call anyone.  But come on….IT IS A PHONE not just a device to use for facebook.  The phone part should be the easiest thing to use.  And it isn’t.  And it still bothers me.  I will say that I did opt for a phone with a keyboard even though it was bulkier because I refuse to type on a touch screen.  Anywho, I have finally entered the smartphone era.  If it was up to me, I would still use a rotary phone :)

……

Speaking of phone apps, I have been sucked in to Instagram.  When people were using it at first, I thought it was stupid.  Why do you need to post a picture of everything you are doing?!  So of course when I got a smartphone I had to get it.  I can see the appeal to it and I enjoy using it.  I am sure some people over use it, like they do other social media….but it is fun to use!  I do think it has taken away from me wanting to blog.  Why blog, when I can just post a quick picture, huh?!  While that has fit the pace of my life at the moment, I don’t know if I will continue to like that.  I enjoy blogging when I get around to it and I am a wordy person and like to share and like the relations formed through blogging.  It is nice to “heart” something and see pictures of friends, but sharing thoughts and experiences like we do on our blogs is so much nicer and fulfilling.  Now excuse me while I go post a picture of this blog post on Instagram.

……

I looooove Christmas music, like I listen to it ALL year round.  And right now I am really loving Cee Lo’s new Christmas CD “Magic Moment”.  It is fun and a bit retro sounding and the Muppets are on one song, so how can you not enjoy it!

…....

Speaking of The Muppets, I wish they would bring The Muppet Show back.  I think it would be fun to have that show on again. mahna mahna

…….

I would like to admit right here, right now….I am a Made for TV Christmas Movie addict.  There.  I SAID IT.  I have seen a rather embarrassing large number of the Christmas movies on the Hallmark channel this year and I just watched The Mistel-Tones on ABC Family Sunday night.  The movies are highly predictable, cheesy, many have bad acting, and have no real substance to them.  But I LOVE them.  They make me happy and are fun to watch.  I will need rehab when Christmas is over.

……

I need to lose weight. Like NEED to now.  I am just unhappy with it and frustrated.  I have been trying and I have a ton of excuses why it isn't working or happening.  But at the end of the day it is just me and not focusing on myself.  I am hoping that things in my life will calm down a bit after the first of the year and I can really focus on weight loss….ON ME.  I am going to start my weight loss blog again to help keep me accountable.  Wish me luck.

.......

I got my hair cut, and while I have heard people say they like it, I think they may just be crazy nice as I am still not sure.  How come we ignore the 10+ compliments from people we know and trust just because we don't want to see what they are seeing?!  sigh.  I got bangs, got my hair shortened and got a few "face framing" highlights.  I think it was too much at one time!!  I think I may like the bangs, but they need to be a little longer.  I am sure in a few weeks they will be better, but right now I look like a 6 year old who took a pair of scissors to their own hair. I also made a mistake letting her cut 3-4 inches off the length.  I think it would be cuter with longer hair.  I also think I want to go with dark red low lights and not highlights.  Live and learn, at least it grows back....and I can wear hats!

(Me before, please note I do not like taking a "real" picture of myself, so I apologize for what you have to see.  The picture on the right is how I wore my hair 95% of the time)

 With bangs, highlights and a shorter cut. blah.

I hope you all have a wonderful day!!

Oh You Want Flashback Photos, I will GIVE You Flashback Photos!! Are You Ready For This?!?!

So I have said I wanted to post flashback photos, but as I started looking I decided that I just couldn't decide on one picture...so how about a bunch of pictures!!

Here is a look at Jenn through the ages rocking out awesome clothes and fabulous hair. Don't be jealous, I can't help it.

(Make sure you went to the restroom before, you may just pee your pants!)

Let's start at the beginning, shall we....

Little baby Jennie!  Where do you look first?! 

The couch, the shoes, the outfit, the bonnet(???).... how about the look on my face which I believe says "Really, mom?!  I am not criticizing, but could this be a bit too much."
P.S. Ask my family...I still make this face.

Little baby Jennie is adorable.

Yellow phone in one hand, a banana in the other, wood paneling in the back, and on the phone with the census bureau telling them I really am a little girl even though the haircut says otherwise.

Classic 80's school photo.

Uh, I totally picked out those blue glasses! Jealous?!  

The feathered bangs are compliments of my mother. Well done mom, well done.

How about some dance pictures!!

Tap....all I remember was that costume was damn itchy.

Ballet - Loved this costume, loved the hair, and loved my gloves!

Acro - Fringe is IN!  And so are big bangs...HOLLA.

Jazz - It wasn't easy pulling this look off, but I managed to rock it.

Where am I in this picture?!  All I see are some high-waisted jeans with a t-shirt tucked into them!!

Oh, wait....there I am.

That folks....is a mullet.  You are welcome.

I totally asked for that perm, who wouldn't?!

Here is Jenn.  She is a freshman at a new school.  This is her first day.  

She chopped her hair short (too short), is wearing tapered jeans, suede shoes, and a silk shirt.  

She never stood a chance in HS and of making friends.
(She soon threw this look away and opted for the grunge look. Flannel all the way baby!!)

Prom - Junior Year. You probably thought that was some fancy designer dress, but alas....that dressed was handmade and of the finest satin!  Only the best.

Did you ask for a close up of the big hair?  Well you got it!

And how about one last picture...me in 2002 during my internship, dressed up as a bird.

Again, you are welcome.  (April, this is for you!!!)