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Suicide.

I have been surrounded by this more than I care.  Just once, is too much.  

Even saying the word makes my stomach drop.

Three times with people I love who thank goodness are still here and have gotten help. Once I cleaned the wounds and took the person to get help.  Once with a friend who lost her father to this.

I know I have been at fault in the past for saying it was selfish for someone to take there own life.  But having known people, it is not that.  It is actually the opposite in many cases, feeling they are making things better not being here.  There is a struggle.  They feel there is no other way.  To feel there is NO other way for you to overcome the depression and sadness....that breaks my heart.  And it is far too common than it needs to be.

This article says it better than I ever could.

READ HERE.

Tell those you love how much you care about them daily.

When It Just Becomes Too Much Then It Is Time To Ask For Help.

I am sharing this post because I need to be accountable for my actions and recognize that the way I act and feel not only affects me, but my family and work and others around me.  This has been going on for awhile now, but the past few months have been a constant struggle for me.  It isn't every minute of every day, no I have many happy moments....but the stress is hard for me to deal with.

It didn’t take me long into the New Year to lose the award for “Most Patient Mother of the Year”.  I mean, December 30^th AND 31^st we were in different ER’s and we rang in the New Year with not only us sick, but one extremely sick child (temps up to 104 sick).  Though June Cleaver would have taken it all in stride, this mom didn’t stand a chance to win. 

We finally started feeling better early January and then of course the end of January we ALL came down with the sickness again.  So on top of being sick 75% of the time since the end of October, there is stress as we wait for Henry’s EEG appointment, financial stress, work stress, home stress, my yearly January/February winter blues, independent toddler trying to find his way in this world stress, and everything else that just compiles until…

…BOOM…

…You scream (I mean scream) at your kid because you are trying to make the bed you just made a few hours before (because twice now he has coughed and puked on the clean sheets) and while you are trying to maneuver a crib mattress your kid starts grabbing the mattress and putting toys on the springs.  Nothing horrible, no.  But in THAT moment it was too much.  And you yell.  A real yell.  A yell that hurts your throat and actually makes you take a step back and catches you off guard because you have no idea where it came from.  A yell that after you put your kid down for a nap makes you cry with guilt and frustration.

Or perhaps it is the time you just breakdown because your child will not listen to any direction you give what-so-ever.  I mean after trying to convince your child to pick up the 50+ flashcards he threw all over the kitchen and then just left them there to go play with other toys you lose it because it is a constant battle and fight.  And after he screams and cries and hits he then pees all over the place.

That was it.  That was the thing that set me off.  After not listening, dumping juice on the floor, laying sideways in his timeout chair, me nearly burning dinner, the constant back and forth, the tears, the screaming, the hitting….I reached my limit when he stood there screaming and peeing.

But most parents would have reached their limit, that is normal...but I went further. I yelled and screamed and hit the cabinet door.  (ugh….I never want him to see me hit things, nor do I want to YELL at him)  But it happened. 

Sigh. 

Moments later terry walked in and I just lost it.  Yep, lucky man.  He didn’t even have his coat off when I started yelling and crying about what happened.  My frustrations.  The fact that I have NO IDEA how to discipline him.  The fact that the past few months I have been losing my cool and becoming SO ANGRY so easily.

I feel I yell and say “NO” more than I say “yes” and ENJOY my time with my family. It wears on you.  It has been like this for months and I am just exhausted.  I don’t want to say NO all the time.  I don’t want to always yell.  I don’t want to repeat myself 20 times trying to get a 2 year old to listen to me or pay attention.  I want to enjoy this time because I know it is short lived.  I want to make sure I mold Henry, through proper love and discipline and not the back and forth of love and screaming.  I feel I am focused on the wrong thing.  The things being done wrong instead of right.  Basically, I have turned into a real pessimist the past few months.  I am always thinking worst case scenario and constantly second guessing EVERY decision I make with him for fear it is the wrong one and because of this just get easily frustrated with not just him, but myself.  Mostly myself.  And I am becoming absolutely ridiculous with anything that involves Henry.

I mean a week ago Henry got water on his shirt right before bed after I got him all ready and I had to change him into a slightly warmer shirt to which made me mad as he already had an elevated temp to which I said: “Great, now we have to change his freakn clothes AGAIN!  And now we are putting him in a warm shirt, that other shirt was perfect.  How about we just put him in a freakn parka!!!”  Yes, I really said that.  Terry of course rolled his eyes and let me throw a tantrum like, well my two year old.  Only difference is I didn’t go all limp and throw myself to the floor….though had something else gone “wrong” I may have.  Of course, my comment made me feel like a total jackass later after I calmed down. But the point is…THAT IS ME.  That is how I am right now.  I over-react. I am ridiculous.  I have never been this bad until the last few months.

That same evening as the ridiculous parka comment, Henry must have known I was having a rough night because that night he didn't ask after his story to go to his bed.  He ALWAYS asks to go to his bed.  Instead he asked for a hug. Sigh.  I put him up on my shoulder and held him to me as close as I could and we hugged and just cuddled.  I held him SO incredibly tight and he was squeezing and hugging me and he fell asleep in my arms.  I just sat and rocked him after he fell asleep for another 15 minutes, crying and crying and soaking in that moment….not want to letting go.  Even through it all he still loves me and wants to be with me….I don’t even want to be with me because I am acting a fool.  But HE does.

I do get so frustrated with Henry, but mostly I get mad at myself because I really don’t know how to discipline him and get him to listen to me and I don't how to control my emotions in those frustrating moments.  And when I get stressed I breakdown and go from 0 to 11 in no time at all.  When I have to deal with confrontation, yes even with a two year old, I lose it.  I am not good with that stuff and my temper ALWAYS gets the best of me.  I have always been like this, but could walk away.  Take some time for myself.  Get better.  I can’t walk away now.  And I hate it.  I HATE that I get mad and lose my cool infront of Henry.  I hate that I handle some situations poorly.  I really hate that I cannot figure how to get my own son to listen to me. I HATE that I don’t feel like ME at all.  I HATE that I am so sad one minute, angry the next and happy the next.  I REALLY HATE that I get so worked up and emotional that I feel this urge to hit a wall or cabinet door….and that I have.

I am a mess.

Since having Henry there as been a lot of stress with how Terry and I had to keep a schedule and all the other stresses that come with him working part-time in the evenings. And then for the past 6 months there has been extra stress with Henry's health. It just keeps building and building.  And then the past few weeks have been extremely hard.  Some of my worst and most emotional weeks ever.   And to be honest, I don’t think I have been completely myself for some time now.  It is up and down and I have always just assumed it is part of having a kid.  But I think I am reaching a breaking point that I can no longer handle on my own.

I need to change. 

After the above and other meltdowns the past couple weeks I started thinking about things.  Two things in particular:

1.) How can I (we) communicate better with Henry so he listens and I don’t have to say NO so much?

2) What can I do to practice patience and remain calm?

I have found some things online the past couple weeks that we are trying to communicate better with Henry and I am going to continue trying for BOTH Henry and I to communicate with each other better.  I will post them and the results soon as this post has already become way too lengthy….sorry. 

But for me, I think I am at the point where I can no longer “try” to handle this on my own.  I need to talk to someone.  I don’t like the idea of talking to someone because I hate opening up to strangers about my feelings.  But if multiple people who care about you are telling you this, and have been telling you for a long time, then perhaps you need to listen if you want to change. 

I WANT to change. 

I can’t continue to be like this for Henry, Terry, My Family, work…MYSELF.

It is just a lot sometimes.  No one and I mean NO ONE can push you as much as your child.  I mean, he already knows and is continuing to learn what triggers and pushes us.  If this was anyone else, you wouldn’t get so emotional about them.  But this is your child.  Someone you love more than any words could ever express.  You love them to the deepest part of your being and so much so that it hurts.  They are a part of you and because of that I have to recognize that if I am hurting inside, then perhaps that he sees and feels that too and I need to get help.

Sigh.

……

A Post For The Times When It Is "Just Too Much".

Last night we were awoken by that cough.  Parents, you know the one I am talking about.  At first you hear it as you are balancing in between reality and dreamland and are hoping that perhaps it was a dream and maybe a good dream, like one about going to the Zoo to visit a seal!

But no.

You hear it again and quickly sit up, knowing he is awake and his tears will soon follow and so will your morning...at 1:00am.

Luckily you have been through it before so you and your partner are on auto-pilot and just do what you need to do.  There are tears (yet you remain strong) there is screaming and hitting (yet you remain calm) there is lack of sleep (yet you remain awake) and after a few hours he is back asleep and you are laying in bed and the emotions just come rushing out.

You think those words that make you feel so alone....

"It is just too much".

You are annoyed and mad and frustrated and sad and feel helpless.

Now this...on top of everything else going on and everything I have been feeling.  Now my son is sick.  Now I worry more than I normally do about him. (Which is already a lot!)

BUT...you have been trying to be better.  Be positive.  Have perspective.

So you acknowledge the fact that you remained calmed and where a good mom and your little boy is comfortably back to sleep and you shouldn't be so hard on yourself...and soon you head back to dreamland for a couple hours.

Now, there is a point....just a little longer folks.

A little while later I am sitting at lunch, surprisingly not as tired as I thought I would be on just a few hours of sleep.

I want something mindless so I go to people.com and skim past all the BS (I don't care about Miley and her costume, People.com!!!) and I see this story.  A real story.  I story worth writing and reading.  HERE.

It is about these two who were dating in college when a horrible accident happened, leaving her boyfriend with traumatic brain injury.  They had only been dating 10 months and she could have left him knowing that the dreams she had may never be met.  But she stayed. And they got married a few years later.  There is a video...it is sweet.

I normally just skim quickly though these stories, but something drew me in.  Made me read and read again.  And then I noticed she had a blog and I clicked on it.  This selfless person had my curiosity.  Something made me want to read more about her story...folks, I never read more about these stories and am always just on to the next.

But I clicked and the first thing that caught my eye wasn't the first blog post but I blog entitled "For the days That Are Too Much".  HERE.

You have my attention.

It was a short blog and I read these words and instantly my eyes teared up (part of post below):

These are the days that feel like too much, that this isn't what I asked for because stress brought from the little just reminds me of the bigger losses I have.

But then there are the sweet gifts, like the new book in the mail that will show me god. The three hours by the fire with a girlfriend and his smile when I come into the room late. 

The fire and the conversation with her and the staying up late with him is worth it. Because those are the moments where I get to live and breathe.

Those are the moments where I see God filling me up, filling my emptiness.

I NEEDED to hear this.  You have no idea how much I needed to hear this.

It is more than my child getting sick.  So much more.  Nothing horrible, we are all OK and in good health.  Infact, this post isn't intended to say "i am sorry Jenn I hope you feel better", it is sort of the opposite as it is encouraging me to stay strong.

But I think we can all agree we go through ups and downs.  Life gets tough.  There are stresses.  There are things we could never in a million years plan for (good and bad).  Feelings we hate feeling.  Days we are not at our best.  Moments we question our self.  Times we just want to curl up in a ball and fade away into a different place in our mind...even just for a moment.   Days where it just feels too much.

And what do we do during these times?  We focus on all that is going wrong.  All the bad we feel.  All that we cannot change but want to.  All that makes us feel even more alone and like we are not good enough.  All that makes us want to yell and scream and cry.  (Which those are our feelings and it it OK until it is not OK.)  And soon we find we are lost and trying to figure out how to get back.  How to gain perspective.  How to be ME again.

What I am realizing, though, is just when you feel alone and you don't know how you are ever going to get better and find yourself......you find it.

Perspective.

Hope.

Reassurance that you are not alone.

Something truly inspiring.  Something that makes you feel better.  Something that gives you hope and confidence.  Someone who makes you open up and talk about what is wrong so that you can BE better.

As many times as I may question it, sometimes I think the universe really does have your back.  Sending you a friend at just the right moment to talk to or making you click a link you would normally just overlook or giving you a confidant you can share anything with without feeling judged or wrong in your feelings.  

Reminding you that you are NOT alone.  That others struggle and overcome and you can too.  That even though we all feel down sometimes, there is SO much to live for and be happy about.

It gave me perspective.

And while I know I have more to figure out and further to go with feeling better; admitting, opening up and remaining positive are key.  Just taking it one day at a time and just TRYING each day to be better and knowing it is OK to have bad days as long as there are also plenty of good ones.

Yeah, i got ALL that from the post.  You may not, but I did.  It may not make sense to you, but it does to me.  And I need to remember that I did gain some perspective from this post.  You know, for that time in the future (and there will be a time) where I need to be reminded of this again.

I needed to hear this today and I KNOW there are others who may possibly need to hear this too.  So I am sending this back into the universe in hopes it finds those who are also having a rough day, week, month, year or just feeling lost and need a little perspective or just want to read a good love story to put a smile on their face!

A simple and inspiring story about love and hardship and dedication and persevering through those struggles.  A reminder that no matter how tough it may seem and when you just feel it is too much that sometimes right around the corner there are those moments that give us hope, make us feel loved, and remind us we are not alone....no matter what we are going through.

This and That Friday

- It is FRIDAY!  I am not joking when I say that I look forward to this day from about Sunday at 8pm until it gets here.


- I think I will get this book. Corey Feldman Coreyography.

1. I don't think it will be a hard read.
2. I have had a crush on him FOREVER. I am talking, all the way back to The Goonies and even as a voice in the TNMT III!! Turtle power.
3. I think it will also be interesting to read about his life. He hung out with Michael Jackson when he was younger, has gone through addiction, and the death of his friend Corey Haim.
4. I sort of think he is still kinda hot.  Yeah....I know.


- I had a cookie for breakfast today....don't judge.  Someone brought them in for a coworkers last day.  She made them with pudding. Uh, these cookies are amazing!  So soft and chewy. Recipe HERE.


- I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooo excited for summer movies.  Seriously, I cannot contain my excitement for all the great movies coming out this year.  Only issue, we need to find a babysitter so we can actually go SEE all these awesome movies coming out.  I am bummed I didn't get to see Oz The Great and Powerful....but there are some I can't miss.  Summer movie list HERE. I was truly surprised just how many movies are coming out.  There are also a ton this fall not listed below.....can we take out a movie viewing loan?!

What movies do you want to see this summer?!

The Top 5 I MUST see this summer at the theater:
1. Iron Man 3
2. Star Trek Into Darkness!!!!!!!!!!
3. Man of Steel
4. Despicable Me 2!!!!!
5. The Wolverine

The Top 5 I want to see but will have to wait for DVD:
1. The Great Gatsby
2. Monsters University
3. Now You See Me
4. World War Z
5. Red 2


- The weekend is almost here....anyone have any big (or not so big) plans this weekend?!  We need to get our butt in gear and start sorting through all the shit stuff we have to prepare for our garage sale. UGH. Can't someone just come do this for us?!  I will pay you in food and positive encouragement for a job well done.

Did I Just Have a Revelation Because of Beyonce?!

Back in February I watched the HBO Beyonce special “Lifeis but a Dream”.

I watched it out of curiosity more than anything.  I also watched it during Henry’s nap and when Terry was at work because T. would tease me if I watched it while he was home.  While I was half watching and half messing around with folding clothes, something she said caught my attention and made me rewind and listen again.

It was something, I think I needed to hear and was open to hearing at that moment because I wasn’t thinking about it.  It was something that made me think about myself and beliefs and made me start to cry.

Yeah, I know….what is wrong with me?!  I could have been on my period and that would probably explain the extreme emotion.

But basically Beyonce said the following [not exact, but close] “God is real and lives inside me, inside all of us.  It doesn’t matter where I am, I feel it.  Right now I feel it, I am hot/tingle.  It’s that love and I feel it when I look at my child, at my husband.  It’s God.”

I Think We See It Time And Time Again....

....That even in the wake of such a tragedy that was propelled by what I can only see as pure evil and hate, we see pure love and kindness from the greater part of people out there.

In those minutes, the minutes where we feel all hope is lost, people come together to prove that love and compassion for our fellow man lives on and is stronger than ever.  In the tears of those that have been hurt or from the families of those that were lost forever and from all those whose lives will be forever changed from one act of cruelty, we see compassion from complete strangers who are offering to mend a wound, a shoulder to cry on, a place to sleep, or whatever support they can provide.

Whether it is because of natural disasters from Katrina to Sandy or from senseless and horrific events like the 9/11 terrorist attacks to recent public shootings and now to this bombing; we prove time and time again that no matter what religion, political background, race, or connection to those affected that we will come together in the face of such devastation to help and/or lend support however we can.

When things like this happen I think of my family. I think of my friends.  I think of my husband.  I think of my son.

I think HOW? WHY?

I think of what this world has come to and wonder where it is going.  I wonder how we can continue to live in a world filled with so much hate and violence.   I get scared.  I get angry.  I get sad.

But then I have to stop and remember that we will never understand why, nor is it in most of our nature to understand why.  Sure we can and should get angry and be sad and try to figure out why it happened.  But it is the goodness and compassion that we have inside of us that will prevail.  I know it sounds like some naive outlook, but we cannot become numb to this.  We can not accept this as OK.  And we can not let our children grow up in a world where violence towards others is the answer or the way to prove a point or get people to listen.

We must continue to help our fellow man.  We must continue to be the best people we can be and make sure our children show even more compassion than us and are better at resolving conflict than us.

Even in the midst of such a tragedy I still have hope.  I need to have hope.  Hope that things will get better and differences will be put aside for the greater good of all of us.  Hope in the good of people.  Hope in the future.  Hope in our children. Hope that these evil acts will not bring us down or tear us apart even more.

And it is with that hope, that I send my deepest and most sincere thoughts and prayers to those affected by the senseless act of yesterday.   There is nothing that any of us can say to make things better, but we are here and our hearts go out to each of you.



I wrote this blog, not to sound preachy but because I wanted to write it.  It is how I feel and want to remember how I feel.

A New Year = Fresh Start & Admitting You Are Not Always OK.

So 2012 has finally come to a close and I have to admit, I was ready and I am excited for 2013. 

Don’t get me wrong, 2012 had many wonderful things…the biggest being Henry turned one!  And in the three months since Henry turned one I think he also turned 2 as well :) 

But 2012 hasn’t been all great, unfortunately.

Terry is working part-time and going to school which is stressful not only financially but just mentally and physically.  Because he watches Henry during the day, he works every weekend and most evenings.  A few days during the week I see Terry for 15 minutes within a 24 hour period and it is after I get home from work and before he leaves.  We say our quick hello’s while Terry is in the shower and Henry is running around.  This routine has been going on since Henry was 7 weeks old, but school on top of that was a new addition last August and will continue through summer.  Most times we are solo parenting far more than we are together.  It can be hard and exhausting and sometimes you feel like you never have one minute of relief.

Here is the thing.  I wasn’t myself much of 2012.  I was and still am at times, just OFF.

I don’t know exactly what it is or how to explain it, but I know I haven’t been myself for about a year.  Was/is it post partum depression…not sure, but right now I am just focusing on MYSELF and what I need to be ME.  To continue to get better.

It isn’t that I feel like this every day, I have great days…even weeks.  But there are far too many bad days, bad moments….and the moments, well they can get ugly.  There is this anger that is hard to control, I want to hit things (not people, unless they are people at the store... just things), I curse and say mean things and I then get extremely sad.

It is not that I am unhappy either.  I know it may not sound like it, but I am happy most of the time.  The issue is, when something does set me off I go to this extreme place and I go from being perfectly fine and happy to yelling, cursing and being flat out mean.  Most of the time it is over something stupid…. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DIDN’T F&$KING PUT THAT IN THE DISHWASHER!!” “DON’T TOUCH THAT!” “WHY DIDN’T YOU ANSWER MY TEXT?!!”  “WHY IS THIS MOTHER F&^K’N CHAIR SQUEEKING EVERY TIME I ROCK IN IT?!?!” Things that should not require me to be filled with SO much anger.

If you know me, you know I am pretty relaxed.  OK, yes, a little high strung at times and I do have a temper on occasion….but snapping to this extreme, so often and for no good reason is not normal for me.  And the fact that it has been going on for a year and has gotten worse over the year is definitely not normal or healthy.

At first I thought it was the stress of having a new child and I was actually not bad the first few months.  Probably totally normal for any new parent.  But it (me) started getting worse but I then attributed it to breastfeeding. (oh how I loathed pumping and Henry never took to the breast. Many many many sessions were spent crying while pumping. I HATED everything to do with pumping, but felt I needed to do it.) I also thought, coupled with pumping that it was the lack of sleep I was getting.  Again, I blew it off and figured when I was done pumping I would get better.  I finally finished pumping around 8 months and things were OK for little awhile.  But shortly after that, Terry started school again and the stress just amplified.  Now, even when Terry was home he was studying and though Henry was getting easier and more independent I just couldn’t get myself out of this funk that I was quickly falling deeper in. 

I then thought, “when he turns a year it will be all good, just hang in there”.  Henry’s birthday came and went and I tried to de-stress, but then Henry started with the attitude.  Now for most his attitude may not be that bad as he is a great child and it is normal behavior, but as I am sure all of you parents know and can relate too; when you are already stressed and off that the constant battle to change a diaper or the crying EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I wash his face off after eating or just even whining because he can’t communicate that well can just push you too much and you snap at little things and more quickly.  It shouldn’t happen, but it does.

And then enter the guilt. 

The guilt of feeling so emotional, at getting angry at the people you love the most, the guilt of feeling like there is something wrong with you, the guilt of feeling like as hard as you try you just can’t be your best self, the guilt that you are letting your husband and even your son down as a wife and mother….it can just really drain you and pull you down even more making it harder for you to feel better. 

I try to keep a happy face for everyone, but it becomes too much and when I get home from work that I become reclusive, I don’t take care of myself physically (which then my weight and lack of exercise affects my mood and attitude even more - circle), I put blame on myself for everything, and I shut down.  Then because I keep everything inside, am stressed, frustrated, exhausted I become angry or emotional so very easily.

When I do yell and become crazy Jenn, it always feels like an out of body experience.  Like I am looking at myself saying “you are crazy, why are you acting a fool?!  You are ridiculous Jenn, calm down!”  But I can’t stop.  I just become so filled with rage and anxiety that it makes things worse. 

A few months ago I said something not nice to Terry.  Yelled at him and used a few not nice words.  He waited a moment and calmly asked if I still wanted to be with him and if I still loved him and if he was the problem.

I felt like I had just been slapped in the face, and I probably should have been.

Tears, instantly.

YES.  Yes I wanted to be with him!!!  Why would he say that?!?!  But I could see how, because he was the main person that I lashed out on and who took a brunt of my anger and though it wasn’t because of him, it was directed towards him…..and in reality it wasn’t because of him at all, it was me.

The reality hit…..Jenn, you need stop and refocus.  You are not yourself and cannot continue like this and ignore this and keep putting it off.  It is not healthy for you, your marriage and definitely not for your son. 

REALITY CHECK COMPLETE.

After a long talk and the suggestion of talking to someone, Terry told me that whenever I start getting angry and going to that place that I feel I can’t control, that I need to refocus on something that makes me happy.  At first I was skeptical but I recall the first night I tried it.  I was rocking Henry and we had this old rocking chair that just squeaked and was driving me crazy.  I didn’t want to go off while I was holding Henry but the anger just kept building and I remember I was about to push the table beside me over in anger but instead I took T’s advice and thought of the first moment I saw Henry.  I went back to those moments where I was filled with pure joy and love and I saw his beautiful face, this miracle we had created.  Of course I cried, but the anger was gone.

That is what I do now.  When I start feeling it come on, I just think of that single moment.  Nothing before, nothing after….just seeing my son for the very first time.  Now sometimes I still need to walk away from the situation…you know, redirect like you have to do with toddlers :)  BUT, it has helped.  That little mental exercise, I guess you could call it, helps me calm myself down enough to refocus.  That is a huge issue; I just focus on things that make me angry instead of letting them go.  (I am most likely going to have to talk to someone about that in time, along with the other thing that sets me off which are sounds.)  But I have come a long way the past two months, and I am very proud of that.

And that is why I am looking forward to 2013.  A new start and being able to refocus.  The past couple months I have been focusing on controlling my anger.  Now that I am aware of it, I try SO hard to prevent myself from going there.  If I start to feel angry or am in a situation that I know may make me stressed and angry I think of something happy and/or walk away.  If Henry does something that he shouldn’t, I try SO hard not to yell and get mad first and instead breathe, talk softly, and redirect the both of us. 

Overall, I am just trying to take back control of my emotions and be aware of my triggers and prevent myself from getting to that angry place.  I haven’t been perfect, but I have been sooooo much better the past couple months! And for the first time in a year, there are FAR more happy days then sad/angry ones.  I know I am a great mom.  I have questioned that a lot over the year….but seeing Henry reassures me that even with all my issues, that when it comes to him I have done something right.

So why am I sharing this long and totally boring post.  I think it is good for me.  Even if no one reads it (and if you still are, I am sorry for taking your time!), but I need to put it out there for ME.  I need to be accountable for my actions and how they affect those I love and by acknowledging that I have been angry and sad and probably a bit depressed, I think I will keep getting better….I know I AM getting better!! 

And I am not looking for sympathy at all; I really am getting to a better place.  I have been writing this stuff down for over a month, unsure if I will post it or just keep it for myself.  Then a friend of mine with twin 8 week olds (God bless her!!) emailed me and she is experiencing things and feelings I had that I ignored.  I think so many new moms ignore or are embarrassed or perhaps are even unaware of these feelings because they are so focused on their child/children that they don’t take care of themselves….physically and mentally. It isn’t easy. I told her to talk to her doctor and provided her with what little and unprofessional advice I could.  But the fact is that no matter what our situation, we all have to make sure we don’t overlook our mental well-being.

I never make resolutions, but this year I am.  I need to refocus this year. 

I need to refocus my anger/emotions, my marriage, my health, my lifestyle, my relationships with people that I have ignored the last year, my habits, and even my home.  I need to get out of this FUNK that I have been in this last year or so and focus my attention on myself, my husband and my son.

And with all that said, I am ready for 2013.  I am hoping it brings a new outlook for me.  Better health, mentally and physically and a much calmer attitude!

I am sure those around me wish that too :)

Because 2012 was so stressful and Terry and I have both been off, we decided to go at this together.  We have a motto - "It is 2013, The Year we Handle Our Business and Get Shit Taken Care Of!" Yes, a long motto :)  So here is to a new us and doing new things, being more positive, getting our shit together, and refocusing our lives!!  I think 2013 is going to be a great year.

Happy New Year!! 

Random Wednesday. This and That.

Just some things on this Wednesday.

I miss blogging.  I am trying to blog more.  Hence this post.

……

I can’t believe there are less than two weeks till Christmas. Nope. Cannot.  Believe. It.  Perhaps since we have had unseasonably warmer weather and things have been soooo busy, I just haven’t thought about the fact that Christmas is RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER!  I have a few things bought, but still have a bunch more shopping to do.  Christmas cards are printed but not addressed & mailed.  The Christmas tree is up and spinning, but there is nothing on it.  I have not even thought about dinners, brunches, or snacks for Christmas weekend.  Yep, I think it is safe to say I am 100% NOT ready for Christmas.  I am sure no one will mind if they get their cards after Christmas or if we sit around a plain white tree Christmas morning and open presents that are still in the shopping bag and eat chips and dips?!  And then I think, actually....they wouldn't mind.  That is the great thing.  The ones who love you don't care about all the little details that we put so much unnecessary pressure on ourselves to try to make "perfect".   I know my family wouldn't care and Henry, well he thinks that plain white spinning tree is the most amazing thing ever.  And I also know the memories we make with him over the years are not going to involve having everything picture perfect but will rather be things that involved us together and laughing and things not going so perfect!  Now that doesn't mean that I am not going to try to get stuff done, but I am going to try to calm down a bit and not put so much pressure on myself or this time of year.

……

We bought new cell phones a couple months back.  My 2008 LG envy just couldn't keep going anymore and finally died.  I knew it was coming, but it was still sad.  At the store I wanted to get just a basic phone…no bells, no whistles, NO internet.  Just a phone that was a PHONE.  What did we walk out of the store with?  A Droid 4 and Droid Razor. Sigh.  The initial cost was cheaper (though still freak’n expensive!) and they managed to get us a plan that was $30 more than what we were paying but had everything.  I still think $30 more is ridiculous.  I actually think the cost for phones and plans are ridiculous, but that is another rant.  However, if one did the smartphone we both had to do it…and so it was.  Two months later and I am still not sure.  Of course I enjoy getting certain apps, uploading photos to social media, and all the fun stuff.  But when it took me TEN minutes to figure out how to make a phone call, well that just annoys me.  And I still have issues with making phone calls and finding people in my contacts.  Thank goodness I hate talking on the phone and I never call anyone.  But come on….IT IS A PHONE not just a device to use for facebook.  The phone part should be the easiest thing to use.  And it isn’t.  And it still bothers me.  I will say that I did opt for a phone with a keyboard even though it was bulkier because I refuse to type on a touch screen.  Anywho, I have finally entered the smartphone era.  If it was up to me, I would still use a rotary phone :)

……

Speaking of phone apps, I have been sucked in to Instagram.  When people were using it at first, I thought it was stupid.  Why do you need to post a picture of everything you are doing?!  So of course when I got a smartphone I had to get it.  I can see the appeal to it and I enjoy using it.  I am sure some people over use it, like they do other social media….but it is fun to use!  I do think it has taken away from me wanting to blog.  Why blog, when I can just post a quick picture, huh?!  While that has fit the pace of my life at the moment, I don’t know if I will continue to like that.  I enjoy blogging when I get around to it and I am a wordy person and like to share and like the relations formed through blogging.  It is nice to “heart” something and see pictures of friends, but sharing thoughts and experiences like we do on our blogs is so much nicer and fulfilling.  Now excuse me while I go post a picture of this blog post on Instagram.

……

I looooove Christmas music, like I listen to it ALL year round.  And right now I am really loving Cee Lo’s new Christmas CD “Magic Moment”.  It is fun and a bit retro sounding and the Muppets are on one song, so how can you not enjoy it!

…....

Speaking of The Muppets, I wish they would bring The Muppet Show back.  I think it would be fun to have that show on again. mahna mahna

…….

I would like to admit right here, right now….I am a Made for TV Christmas Movie addict.  There.  I SAID IT.  I have seen a rather embarrassing large number of the Christmas movies on the Hallmark channel this year and I just watched The Mistel-Tones on ABC Family Sunday night.  The movies are highly predictable, cheesy, many have bad acting, and have no real substance to them.  But I LOVE them.  They make me happy and are fun to watch.  I will need rehab when Christmas is over.

……

I need to lose weight. Like NEED to now.  I am just unhappy with it and frustrated.  I have been trying and I have a ton of excuses why it isn't working or happening.  But at the end of the day it is just me and not focusing on myself.  I am hoping that things in my life will calm down a bit after the first of the year and I can really focus on weight loss….ON ME.  I am going to start my weight loss blog again to help keep me accountable.  Wish me luck.

.......

I got my hair cut, and while I have heard people say they like it, I think they may just be crazy nice as I am still not sure.  How come we ignore the 10+ compliments from people we know and trust just because we don't want to see what they are seeing?!  sigh.  I got bangs, got my hair shortened and got a few "face framing" highlights.  I think it was too much at one time!!  I think I may like the bangs, but they need to be a little longer.  I am sure in a few weeks they will be better, but right now I look like a 6 year old who took a pair of scissors to their own hair. I also made a mistake letting her cut 3-4 inches off the length.  I think it would be cuter with longer hair.  I also think I want to go with dark red low lights and not highlights.  Live and learn, at least it grows back....and I can wear hats!

(Me before, please note I do not like taking a "real" picture of myself, so I apologize for what you have to see.  The picture on the right is how I wore my hair 95% of the time)

 With bangs, highlights and a shorter cut. blah.

I hope you all have a wonderful day!!

A Good Reminder During The Holidays

If you haven't read this story, read it HERE.  Basically, a police officer in New York saw a homeless man sitting outside on a very cold night without shoes and went in to a local shoe store and bought him a nice pair of boots with his own money.  The only reason there is a photo is because a tourist just happened to be out and noticed it and took a picture.  He wasn't doing this for attention, he was doing it out of pure generosity.

I think it is easy this time of year to get caught up in the holidays, the commitments, the running around, doing the things we think we need to do, and losing site of the magnitude and importance of this time of year.

It isn't about giving or getting the biggest, newest or most expensive gift.  It is about reflection, compassion, LOVE, joy, and family & friends. (to name a few things)

Whether or not you believe in the religious aspect of Christmas isn't what is important, it doesn't matter what you believe....but all those things above should still ring true.

If having a child has done anything for me (and it has already done so much) it has made me STOP.

Stop and embrace the little things, the things that he finds so enjoyable and that I have managed to overlook for years.

Stop and think of how would I want HIM to act towards others.  Would I want him to be mean and yell at others or learn to forgive and BE a good person to others.

Stop and relax and enjoy the time we have together and not worry whether or not everything is "perfect".

Stop and help those that need help, whether it is giving someone with no shoes a pair of boots or holding the door open for someone with their hands full. 

Stop and reflect on what this time of year means to you.

I know personally I am going to try really hard to make sure I remember this, not only during the holiday season, but ALL year round. I will admit, it is not always easy.  But whether it is holding the door open for a stranger, offering a kind smile to someone who looks down, helping those less fortunate than yourself, being KIND even when others forget to do so, not rushing all around and losing site of the holidays and overall embracing this time of year and stopping to really enjoy those MOMENTS and the people that I love the most in my life and doing whatever I can to be a better person to those around me..... yes, that is how I want to be.  That is what I want to teach.  

"And there were in the same country shepherds, abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them! And they were sore afraid ... And the angel said unto them, "Fear not! For, behold, I bring you tidings o great joy, which shall be to all my people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ, the Lord."

"And this shall be a sign unto you: Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger." And suddenly, there was with the angel a multitude of the Heavenly Host praising God, and saying, "Glory to God in the Highest, and on Earth peace, and good will toward men."

In Search of the Elusive “ME” Time?

Let's talk ME time, shall we.

We have all heard of this or even have had an abundance of this at some point in our lives, right?!  Before full time jobs or kids or bills or more schooling or busy adult lives….I vaguely recall having plenty of time to myself to do whatever I wanted. 

Come back with me if you will to the days where ME time was my priority…..[Insert flashback/dream sequence music and wavy fading image]

I remember back in my college days, even though I had a job at night/weekends and school, I had a plethora of ME time.  Infact, ME time was my priority and I was totally OK with being selfish about my time.  I managed to find time to work, go to class, workout, do my homework and do whatever else I wanted to do for ME.  Sometimes that would consist of taking a nap in the middle of the day.  Maybe walking to the tanning bed and then on the way back to the apartment stopping with some friends at the bar for happy hour and a few drinks (this happened way more frequently than I like to admit).  Maybe it meant playing cards for 6 hours straight, because well, when you have a good game of euchre or phase 10 going, why stop .  It meant leaving with friends to go to see a band play or staying out late because I had nothing important to do the next morning.  And honestly, even if I did have something to do I still seemed to have the energy to not be bothered by only a few hours of sleep at night. Who needs sleep at 22 years old….that is for the weak!!!  And it also meant I had time to be healthy-ish and workout whenever I wanted.  I was the thinnest I ever have been and was in shape and made time to for myself to be healthy.

Ahhhh, that was the life.

And then I graduated and got a job and got married and bought a house and had bills.  ME time turned more into WE time and while ME time was always around; I didn’t always make time for it or ignored it to do stuff with Terry or even stuff around the house instead.  I started putting ME time on the back burner, but maybe because I had been selfish for all those years I openly embraced this.  But then over the years and especially after having Henry, I have continued to take less and less time for myself, I seem to be finding it harder than ever to MAKE time for me or even feeling like I should take time for myself.

Now I am not trying to be all like “whoa is me, I never take time for myself….feel bad for me” or act like a martyr because I am putting other people before me and I should be commended for that. 

HELL NO, that is not the case at all!!

It is sort of two-fold. 

1)      I do find it difficult to find time for myself.  4 out of the 5 days a week I go to work, come home at 5:30 and T. leaves at 5:45, and then I am home with Henry all night.  He goes to bed around 9 and after he is in bed I wash bottles, straighten up the house and just unwind for a minute before I go to bed.  The last thing I am thinking about is working out for 45 minutes.  On the weekends I am also home alone with Henry until early evening and as I have hardly seen Terry all week, cherish what little time we get together in the evenings on the weekend.  Getting up early is an option, just not an option I have managed to succeed at doing.

2)      Then there is the guilt I feel when I take time for myself or do something for myself.  Oh, I don’t want to go get my hair cut and colored because I will be gone for two hours plus I could spend the money elsewhere.  Or I feel bad putting Henry in his bouncer while I walk on the treadmill because I only get 3 hours with him at night, 1 of which is spent with him eating.  I don’t want to be doing something else; I want to hang out with Henry.  It makes me happy to be with him and have that time together.

But then there is that thing where because I don’t make time for myself I get easily stressed or frustrated and I get mad at the way I look and feel and I know I need and want to do something about it.  I want to crochet and get my hair done and I really want to lose a lot of weight.  And even though I am happy spending time with Henry in place of doing stuff for myself, I am unhappy with how I feel.

Vicious circle, no?!

And while I don’t want to go back to the college days above as I really do enjoy my life now and having mostly WE time, let’s be honest…..WE ALL NEED SOME ME TIME!!

So let me ask all of you, how do you not only find “ME” time but MAKE yourself take that time?

I know in theory the answer to this question is easy…..just take time for yourself and don’t feel guilty about it.

Um, I think that answer is easier said than done. 

Mother or not, how do you managed to find time for yourself with your busy life to do the things that make you happy or feel better?  (whether it is working out, crocheting, blogging, going places)

And if you do have kids, how do you find time for yourself?  Especially without feeling guilt.

Then and Now....

The other morning while I sat alone in our living room pumping and listening to the repetitive drone of my pump, basking in the only 20 minutes each day that are truly all mine, I thought about how my life has changed in the last year.  I thought about how things were then compared to how they are now.  And I thought I would share some of those things that have changed in my life the past 6 months!  

Then:

Sleeping in usually meant sleeping until 11am and not getting out of bed until noon.

Now:

Sleeping in means getting to sleep IN my own bed instead of on the futon in the baby’s room because Henry keeps waking up at night and it is just easier to stay in there.

Then:

Saying you were tired and actually being tired were two different things.  Usually when I said I was tired it just translated to being bored.

Now:

You are in a perpetual state of exhaustion and simply too tired to even say or think about how tired you really are.

Then:

Your boobs were perky, the same tone and when you had them out in front of your husband he got excited because it meant something special was about to happen!

Now:

Your boobs are just sad looking, you can see every vein, your nipples are cracked, and when you have your boobs out in front of your husband he doesn’t even notice you or them; and instead of your husband getting excited when he sees them, now your baby gets excited.

Then:

You could take as long as you wanted to eat dinner and even enjoy multiple courses at an actual restaurant!

Now:

Dinner consists of you scavenging for food from anywhere you can find it and eating as quickly as possible.

Then:

You sang your favorite band’s songs in the shower or car.

Now:

You find yourself singing kids songs….and hating the fact that you sort of enjoy them.

Then:

Conversation on bodily functions, while funny, were usually limited to special circumstances.

Now:

The day is not complete without at least one conversation & an accompanying picture message about poop.

Then:

Running to the store to get something small you forgot, like soap, took no time and was not that big of a deal.  Well, running to the store in general was no big deal.

Now:

If you have to run to the store for something it has to be strategically timed between feedings and naps and involves 30 minutes of prep time that includes (but is not limited to) changing his diaper, making sure he is properly dressed, fighting him as you strap him into his car seat, make sure you have: a burp cloth, pacifier, toy, back up toy, back up pacifier, make sure you are fully dressed and have your purse (including your wallet – made that mistake!).  Then you have to awkwardly climb in your car to load and unload him out of the middle portion of the back seat. And let’s not forget about once you are actually IN the store.  Usually once you think about all you have to do to pick up something, like soap, from the store you realize the best option is to forego the soap all together.

Then:

You could pick up and leave for a long weekend whenever!

Now:

They idea of taking all the necessary stuff required to go somewhere overnight causes anxiety…so you just don’t leave the house.

Then:

7:30am – Wake up

7:30 – 7:45 – Shower and get dressed

7:45 – 8 – Pack lunch and leave for work

8:30 – 5 – work

5:30 – Get home

5:30 – 7:30 – Terry’s at work so I get comfy clothes on and lie on the couch and watch TV. A nap may even be possible!

7:30 – start dinner

8 – Terry’s home, eat dinner

9:30 – go to bed

Sleep and Repeat

Now:

6am – Wake up

6:15 – 6:45 – Shower and get dressed

6:45 – 7:15 – Pump (and enjoy the alone time)

7:15 – 7:30 – Pack lunch, pump, bottles and leave for work

8am – 5pm – Work (pump at 11 & 4)

5:30 – 5:45 Get home and briefly go over Henry’s “STATS” for the day with Terry on the days he works  i.e. When did he eat, how many bottles, when did he sleep, how did he poop, how much/little did he vomit, how was your day, love you and bye! (I prefer the days he doesn't work!)

6:00 – 7:30 – Feeding solids and a bottle and then a nap.

7:30 – 9:15 – Play time, mom grabs a quick bite to eat, get ready for bed, story time.

9:15 – 9:45 – Feed last bottle of the day and put him in his crib to let him fall asleep.

9:45 – 12am - Wash bottles, prep bottles for the next day, pick up living room/house,  pump for 30-40 minutes, relax, have an actual (non text message) conversation with Terry, and then off to bed.

12am-6am – Possible baby wake ups in the middle of the night.

Sleep and Repeat.

Then:

I was happy, loved, and my life was really really good.

Now:

My life with Henry in it is AMAZING.  I had no idea I could love someone in this way and this much and that one little person could bring so much joy and happiness to our life. My heart is full and I wouldn’t change any part of my life NOW.

(Ok, maybe I would want some more sleep and naps….but that will come!!)

This And That....

* I am sorta over reality TV.  It just seems like TV now is all reality shows but none of it has any substance and is the farthest thing from actual reality (Uh, Kardashians).  I have gone back to watching real TV programming; you know where real actors get paid too much money to make shows with real scripts and have real story lines. So no more reality TV for me. Well of course except for Top Chef. And Tori & Dean. And Project Runway. And…ok about 10 other reality programs. BUT THAT IS IT, NOMORE. For now....

*Speaking of TV, T. & I have been watching the series Metal Evolution.  I have realized the older I get the more I enjoy documentary type shows.

* I love cream soups, but I not a fan of how as you get down to the bottom of the soup it thins out and breaks down because of the saliva left on your spoon. ew

* Terry and I have always been that gross couple that share stories about poop or pick things off each other’s backs (we haven’t moved as far up the evolutionary chain as maybe some of our peers have), but I didn’t realize that poop and vomit would be the topic of many, I mean many of our conversations.  I also didn’t think I would have such an interest in my sons poop.  I am totally that mom who exams her child’s feces. No, not like I am all up in that shit; I just mean I like to keep a mental note of the consistency and look of his poop.  I also love picking toe jam from between his toes. 

* I am all about Half-Caff coffee right now.  We have a Keurig at work and we have half-caff cups.  I know I can have caffeine but I have really tried to limit my intake, not just for Henry but for me so half-caff coffee is perfect. LOVE IT! Of course, maybe having 3 cups of half-caff coffee instead of one cup of regular defeats the purpose of half-caff. hmmmmm

* There is a new movie coming out this summer called Magic Mike (HERE) and it stars Channing Tatum, Matthew McConaughey, and Matt Bomer (oh Matt, how I love thee) and they are male strippers. Yeah, I will be going to see that movie….alone.

* I really like new magazines.  I like the way they feel when you go through them the first time. I like the crispness of the pages. I like that there are no creases or wrinkles.  The same is true for new books, you know, if I actually read books.

* When I was pregnant and watched my belly grow it didn’t seem like it was all that big, maybe because it was such a slow progression of growth.  However, when going back and looking at pictures I think “DAMN GIRL! Your belly was huge!”  I also think, “HOLY SHIT, a baby was in there! A BABY.” (It still blows my mind that Henry was growing inside me. Really?! How?!)

Lets flashback shall! Me the day before Henry was born. HUGE BELLY!

 

* Our son is 5 months old, 22 weeks. WOW. I mean it, WOW. I remember thinking that first month that 5 months seemed so far away. And now we are here and it seems like it has gone by so fast (and also not fast enough some days, strange).  I just can’t believe how quickly our little one is growing. It is cramazing. 

(Yes, this is also a way for me to sneak a picture of H. into a post.)

* Parents are coming up this weekend to celebrate my dad’s birthday.  I am really looking forward to this.  Besides the fact that I get to see my parents, Henry gets to hang out with his grandparents, and my parents get to see Henry it is a much needed break from weekends where I am home alone with Henry until 6:30pm both days.  I hope it allows me to get down our Christmas tree (I KNOW!!) and clean the house.  Also on the agenda: eat, eat, eat, watch TV, eat.  Yep, sounds like a great weekend.

So what’s up with you?!

Sooooooo, I am 10-ish Days Away From Having a Baby…..Uh, Then What Do We Do?!?!

So this weekend we put up Henry’s crib and seeing the crib up was a HUGE reality check.  The reality being that at any time in the next couple weeks we will be bring home a child, OUR CHILD, and we have to take care of that child and try not to break him.

Riiiight. 

Easy, I can do this as I am positive they come with an instructions manual and wrapped in bubble wrap and basically take care of themselves!

WHAT?! THEY DON’T!!!  Well then what the hell are we suppose to do?!?!?!

AAAAAHHHHHHH!

Ok, deep breathes….I am ok, just a minor freak out.

Yes, this weekend I had a moment where I just looked at Terry and had the following conversation:

Me: Sitting on the couch and surrounded by three different baby books and a bit overwhelmed “Terry I don’t know how to take care of a baby.”

T: “Yes you do.”

Me: “No, I don’t. I have no idea WHAT to do. How do I feed him, how often do I feed him, how long do I feed him, what products do I use when I change his diaper, how do I swaddle him, how long should he sleep, I don’t even know if I should or how to give him a bath!  And did you know you can’t have blankets in the crib….I didn’t know that!  And what if he gets sick?  What else don’t I know?!?!?!?!”

T: Pausing the TV because obviously he knows I am having a little freak out. “Jenn, he will eat when he is hungry, sleep when he is tired, and we will change him when he needs it.  The rest of it we will figure it out together…we are not the first new parents.  It will be ok and will all work out, don’t worry about it” 

Me: Pausing for a moment. “OK, you are right.” Back to reading my baby books and T. back to watching TV.

I have been fairly calm during this pregnancy.  I have not been worried about many things and have just been trying to enjoy the last 9 months.  But this weekend, as I saw the crib up and his room coming together and realized we are just DAYS away from meeting our little one I just had this moment of thinking to the hospital after delivery and wondering:

“Ok, the baby is here, now what the hell do we do?!  Seriously, you are giving us this child to take home without someone to supervise us….is that safe?!”

Luckily I have a husband who is a perfect balance to me and I to him.  In most situations when he gets upset I remain calm and in the more likely scenario when I freak out he remains calm. It works.  And it is exactly what I need in these last days of the pregnancy and in the coming months.  T. is not a very emotional person , however he knows exactly when to comfort me compared to when to not sugar coat anything or “baby” me and say it is all going to be all right….he is direct and logical and that is exactly what I needed to hear. 

Of course I am still and will still worry about things; honestly I imagine this will NEVER EVER EVER stop once we have this child.  However, I just needed hearing from my husband, my partner in this journey that it will be OK and we will figure this out together.  When he is calm I am calm and I know we can do this.  We are bound to make millions of mistakes (maybe in the first year alone) and we will need help or need to figure out what to do as we embark on this new journey, but I need to remember we are also not the first parents out there and most things are natural and we will just learn as we go….and if we don’t know we will figure it out.  And if we don’t figure it out, well that is what therapy is for when our child gets older.

 I am not going to lie, while I am absolutely ecstatic about holding our son and taking him home – I am still scared shitless about the idea of being responsible for this new and fragile life that WE created.  It just blows my mind and freaks me out all in one.  But I am also SO happy that it is Terry by my side and I couldn’t imagine going through any of this with anyone else other than him.  I know, with him, everything WILL be OK even if that means I have no idea what the hell I am doing!!  I guess I need to just get use to the fact that I will most likely have no idea what the hell I am doing for the next 18 years. :)

Oh yeah – 10 FREAK’N DAYS!!!